I gave Carolyn three pound coins yesterday, saying they were for her children. She was reluctant to accept, but eventually gave in.
I think you’ll find that constitutes a legal contract.
Carolyn, if you read this, I’ll collect them at the weekend.
In an attempt to resurrect my stalled campaign to become a Man of Mystery and Adventure, yesterday I secreted a carrot in a special pocket in my new work suit. I then went about, letting people catch a glimpse of the carrot. When they asked, “Richard, why have you got a carrot in your pocket?”, I gave assorted replies, such as:
Carolyn was particularly impressed, when I rendezvoused with her outside a jewellers’ shop:
“How many carats would you say that diamond is?” I asked.
“The label says 0.5.”
“Pathetic! How many carats would you say that other diamond is?”
“It says 0.6.”
“Feeble!” [Opening jacket] “And how many carrots would you say this is?”
“Did you just buy that specially to make that joke?”
It was a nice day today, so Stense and I had it off. We went to the Cheshire Show, where we saw many magnificent British animals, including Clarissa Dickson-Wright (photo left). We then headed off to a local aquarium, where I attempted (unsuccessfully) to bag Stense in the tunnel (photo right).
Tomorrow is Midsummer’s Day. Today, it hailed.
Global warming, my arse!
Quiz Master: “Question 7 was, ‘Which wood was used to build canal lock gates and sometimes even drain-pipes?’. The answer is ‘Elm’.”
Contestant: “I said that!”
Quiz Master: “No you didn’t, you said ‘teak’.”
Contestant: “No I didn’t; that was him over there. I said, ‘Something British, like elm’.”
Quiz Master: “Elm is Dutch!”
See also: Separated at birth (14-Dec-03)
BBC: Inhaler ‘may help men have sex’
Men who have difficulty getting an erection could soon use an inhaler to help them have better sex.
Maybe so, but who is this mysterious inhaler, and what precisely does the job entail?
I am currently sharing an office with a woman who can write shorthand. So this morning I invented The Shorthand Game, wherein one scribbles random shorthandesque symbols on a piece of paper and asks a shorthand expert what they say.
The following conversation took place:
[Showing random symbol] “What does this say?”
“Nothing.”
[Showing another random symbol] “And this?”
“Nothing.”
[Showing another random symbol] “And this?”
“…It looks remarkably like ‘And thank you’.”
[Showing another random symbol] “And this?”
“Oh my goodness!”
“What does it say?”
“I’m not telling you.”
“What does it say?”
“It says ‘Tits’.”
BBC: Ex-royal valet ‘sticks by claim’
An ex-royal valet who claimed he saw an incident involving Prince Charles has denied withdrawing the allegation.
So now we know that whatever it was that we were not allowed to know has been un-withdrawn.
Glad that’s cleared that one up.
Well, last year I said it was a fix, but I was clearly wrong:
BBC: History made as man beats horse
A man has won the annual Man versus Horse race for the first time in its 25-year history. Crowds of spectators at Llanwrtyd Wells in mid Wales saw Huw Lobb pick up the £25,000 prize – until Saturday, one of the biggest unclaimed prizes in British athletics.
Which just goes to show that Huw can lead a horse to Llanwrtyd Wells.
Phasianus colchicus, unless I’m very much mistaken.
Email from Carolyn:
How about this one then: if you turn your right foot in circles clockwise then draw a number 6 in the air, your foot will be turning anti-clockwise.
Dammit, she’s right!
Contrary to all expectations, I managed to view today’s Transit of Venus. My improvised pin-hole telescope could see the sun, but didn’t have enough resolution to distinguish Venus, so I resorted to a binocular image projected on to white card.
For those of you who didn’t manage to see it, here is a scientifically accurate artist‘s impression of the momentous event. I bet you’re kicking yourselves.
Reuters: Yuppies find peace in hippie hub
If you’re going to Hebden Bridge, you no longer need to wear flowers in your hair. Times have changed—but although the beads and incense have gone, the spirit that has made this town a hub of alternative Britain remains.
The beads and insense have gone?! Have you been anywhere near Hebden Bridge lately? Beads and insense is all they bloody well sell (apart from psychic crystals, wind chimes and pot pourri, that is).
Welcome to Hippie Central.
The incomprehensible meets the inarticulate:
A couple of months back, Carolyn told me that, wherever she goes, she keeps seeing adult identical twins dressed in the same clothes. I told her she was imagining things.
Ever since Carolyn told me about this X-filesesque phenomenon, however, whenever she and I have met for our weekly coffee, she has pointed out adult identical twins dressed in the same clothes. They have been different identical twins each time.
I’m beginning to find it a bit freaky.
Child next to the scales in the fruit and veg. section of the Co-op:
Hey, my hand weighs five pounds!
