I’ve just realised that today is the tenth anniversary of my first internet dialup account. My first set of web pages went live about two days later. Unable to think of a better name for my website (they were called web sites in those days: two words), I decided to call it Gruts. The URL is slightly different these days, but I never got round to changing the name.

Unfortunately, I don’t appear to have kept a copy of my very first web page, but I have just managed to locate its original logo on my old Windows 95 (sic) machine:

Man, that’s bad. Hands up who remembers drop-shadows. They were all the rage back in ’95. To make matters worse, I also found the even trendier animated version that eventually replaced it (this won’t work if you’ve disabled animations on your browser, but I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it if I were you):

Is it physically possible to die of embarrassment do you reckon?

BBC: French voters reject EU charter
French voters have overwhelmingly rejected the European Union’s proposed constitution in a key referendum. Almost 55% of people voted “No”, with 45% in favour, according to final interior ministry figures. The vote could deal a fatal blow to the EU constitution, which needs to be ratified by all 25 member states.

I have a little conspiracy theory going here:

We Brits are seen as the worst Europeans: we turned up late; we keep siding with the Americans (and look where that got us); we insist on a rebate; we’re nearly always the last to agree to any new initiative. Never mind the fact that our rebate is totally justified, and that, when we do finally sign up to new European initiatives, we’re one of the few countries that actually sticks to them—the point is, we are still seen as the worst Europeans. Why do you think we keep coming near the bottom in the European Song Contest, for Pete’s sake?

Which is why the French have voted Non.

They’re using reverse psychology, you see. They know the Brits are never going to vote for anything with the word European in the title—especially when it was drafted by a Frenchman—so they’ve voted Non to make us think it might actually be a good thing. (Which it might well be.)

Cunning devils, the French.

BBC: Cataract op gorilla gives birth
A gorilla, who underwent a cataract operation after she was born blind, has given birth to a baby at Bristol Zoo.

Now there’s an operation that went very wrong.

New Scientist: Understanding sarcasm is a complex business

Yeah, right, understanding sarcasm is, like, soooooo complex.

Liverpool was buzzing today. Well, the bits of it that weren’t hung over were buzzing. I wonder if this could have anything to do with it:

BBC: AC Milan 3–3 Liverpool (aet)
Liverpool beat AC Milan 3–2 in a penalty shoot-out to win the Champions League after sensationally coming from three goals down at half-time.

…and this time the greatest club team in European football history (oh, shut up Madrid and Milan (looo-sers!), and read it and weep Manchester!) quite rightly gets to keep the silverware.

Well done, lads! Magic mustard.

Scotsman: Wind Farm Businessman One of Labour’s Biggest Donors

A venture capitalist with a major interest in the wind farm industry was one of the biggest donors to the Labour Party during the General Election campaign, it has emerged.

Nigel Doughty, whose investment company Doughty Hanson owns the Danish firm LM Glasfiber, a major wind turbine manufacturer, gave the party £250,000 after a dinner with Tony Blair held for potential donors earlier this year.

The wind farm industry is expected to expand swiftly over the next few years as ministers seek to encourage the development of renewable energy sources.

Can you imagine the fuss that would be kicked up if Nigel Doughty owned shares in BNFL? Strange there’s no mention of this story on the BBC News website.

Oh, hang on a second, what’s this?

Observer: 2,000 more wind turbines in countryside

A massive expansion of wind power involving thousands of new turbines will go ahead despite increasingly bitter wrangling over claims that they are despoiling Britain’s countryside.

In his first speech since becoming energy minister, Malcolm Wicks, will offer unequivocal backing to the green lobby by insisting it is ‘vital’ the government rides out vocal opposition to windfarms and sticks with wind energy.

Didn’t see that one in the Labour manifesto!

BBC: BBC defends new weather forecasts
The BBC has defended its new TV weather maps with realistic 3-D landscapes following complaints by viewers… Some viewers complained about the way Scotland was depicted on screen during the national forecast. The BBC spokesman denied any bias and said the bottom of the map appeared larger because it is a 3D forecast and the south is “slightly larger as it is closer to the viewer”.

Ah, but that’s the whole point: why did the BBC choose to display the map from a southern aspect? Why not show it from the north, where all the weather is? I know, don’t tell me, it’s because that’s where the satellite sees the country from. How very fortunate!

On second thoughts, why not display the map from directly overhead, in glorious 2-D (just like on the old maps)? Seeing the country in so-called 3-D adds nothing, simply distorting perspective and making it even harder to work out where the hell Hebden Bridge is.

Actually, this story involves two hobby-horses of mine: subtle (and not-so-subtle) media bias against the north, and unnecessary 3-D graphics. Whenever I am shown a new whizz-bang piece of software by a potential supplier, they almost invariably proudly demonstrate its 3-D graph-generating capability. The conversation usually goes something like this:

Supplier: Look! It can even produce 3-D graphs!
Me: That’s very clever. Does it do 2-D graphs as well?
Supplier: Erm… Why would you want to do 2-D graphs?
Me: Well, because in most cases they contain exactly the same information and are easier to read.
Supplier: Are they?
Me: Yes. So, does it do 2-D graphs then?
Supplier: Do you know, I haven’t the faintest idea. Nobody’s ever asked before. Can I get back to you on that one?

3-D graphs are a large part of what is wrong with this country. 3-D graphs and the weather.

As easy as pie: These two charts show exactly the same information. Now, you tell me, which is larger, segment A (blue) or segment B (orange)? Question two: which of the two charts was easier to read?

BBC (28-May-05): New BBC weather map gets facelift
The BBC has given its controversial new weather map a facelift after complaints it had a south of England bias.

BBC: Fulham 6–0 Norwich
Norwich’s hopes of Premiership survival were swept away by rampant Fulham. The Canaries could have guaranteed survival with victory, but never threatened to get the win they needed.

I won’t patronise you by explaining my damn clever (albeit obscure) headline. Work it out for yourself.

• Fanny Cradock
• Prediction Comes True: ‘Nor Canary Flight’

BBC: Glazer closing in on Man United
Sports tycoon Malcolm Glazer is within a whisker of taking full control of Manchester United with his £790m ($1.5bn) takeover bid.

Someone sees Manchester United, covets it, and buys the entire club. Oh, the irony!

I can’t believe it. I’m actually feeling sorry for the fans! Time to change allegiance, chaps. After all, it’s not as if many of you have any sort of affinity with Manchester.