What do you get if you guzzle down sweets, eating as much as an elephant eats?

BBC: Bogus Oompa Loompa admits lying

A 4ft-tall Nevada man has admitted he lied about playing an Oompa Loompa in the original 1971 Willy Wonka film.

Actor and hairdresser Ezzy Dame said he first made the false claim 20 years ago when his agent advised him to "pad" his resume with the bogus acting credit.

OK, I know I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I have also played an Oompa Loompa. Not in the 1971 film, but in the 1974 Christmas concert at my old primary school. Anyone who was in the audience is bound to remember my performance: I was the only Oompa Loompa wearing a hat.

I was also the only Oompa Loompa who didn't need padding.

Unlike Ezzy Dame, I have proof of my Oompa Loompa role: my mum still has the photo on display in her living room. No, you can't see it. Fortunately, she has lost the clipping from the local newspaper.

I'm not into any of that Sigmund Fraud bullshit, but I'm beginning to realise why I turned out the way I did.

See also: Note for my future biographers