61 years ago today, Hamburg radio announced that Adolf Hitler was dead. He’d topped himself the day before. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving chap. Do you know, he even poisoned his dog beforehand, the nasty, little turd!

Hitler went to a lot of trouble to become his nation’s leader. A dodgy election campaign was followed by a plebiscite conferring draconian new powers on the man with the stupid moustache. So Hitler always had the comfort of being able to claim that he was a democractically elected Führer. Dictators have a thing about being democratically elected.

But I think I’ve spotted a really easy way to get myself elected dictator of Britain, without any bloodshed or anything (and then it’ll be furry-pillowcase time for all those sodding cats):

BBC: Britain ‘needs compulsory voting’

Britons should be forced to vote in elections, a think-tank has said. The Institute for Public Policy Research’s report suggests those who do not vote should be fined to combat low turnout at the polls…

Under the institute’s plan, electors would be offered a “none of the above” choice or could simply spoil their papers.

If anyone is ever crazy enough to introduce compulsory voting, all I will need to do is change my name to None of the Above, put myself up for election in every constituency, and I will cruise to victory almost totally unopposed.

The British public takes its apathy very seriously.

It’s what grandad fought the Nazis for.