Symbolic feature

(with the emphasis on the bolic.)

Hebden Bridge Times: Replica Fustian Cutting Knife

A giant replica of a fustian cutting knife is a step closer to being built in Hebden Bridge after plans were approved by the Town Council.

Hebden Royd councillors recommended approval of proposals for a “central paving feature” in St George’s Square, which would be part of the town’s traffic review and pedestrianisation scheme…

Its polished stainless steel blunt tip would point directly north towards Nutclough Mill, former home of Hebden Bridge Fustian Manufacturing Society Ltd.

The feature will replace 12 parking spaces in the parking-space-starved Pennine tourism hot-spot.

See also: Wikipedia: Fustian (in case you were wondering).

Technobabble

I’m sort of half-watching StarTrek Voyager on telly as I type, and I’ve just worked out that the so-called science officer is a total fraud. He’s just spent five minutes standing in the background pretending to be playing on a computer or something, while some alien doctor (whom I don’t trust one iota, by the way) spouted total pseudo-scientific bollocks to some other short-arse alien with spots on his face, whom I gather is one of the crew. So how come the science officer didn’t step in there and point out that the first alien was talking through his anus (assuming he has one, that is)? It’s obvious: he doesn’t know the first thing about science (and no, Mr Science Officer, don’t you give me any of your “Emergency containment field activated” nonsense, I’m not buying it!).

Oh, the alien doctor’s just died. I guess he didn’t have an ulterior motive after all.

See also: This evening’s Star Trek TNG

Incognito

Bashful Stense

Stense attempting to conceal her identity yesterday.

Stense was in town yesterday, so we went for what turned out to be an excellent meal in a local pub.

“Table for two?” asked the landlady.

“Yes please,” I said.

“Where about would you like to sit?”

“Somewhere we’re not likely to be spotted.”

The landlady laughed and gave us a table by the window.

Tolkien nerdish

Sunday Times: X-rated Tolkien: it’s not for the kiddies

A darkness is once again descending on JRR Tolkien’s fabled land of Middle-earth. An unfinished work completed by the writer’s son is such a departure from the world of hobbits that it may merit an X-certificate.

The manuscript for The Children of Hurin, to be published next spring, contains incest, suicide and a multitude of violent deaths. Any film version is likely to have restricted audiences because of the subject matter.

Christopher Tolkien has spent the past 30 years working on the epic tale that his father began in 1918 while on leave from the army. JRR, who was recovering from trench fever contracted during the battle of the Somme, later abandoned the work.

Much of Tolkien’s abandoned work was published many years ago in the book Unfinished Tales. I have to say, it’s a stonking tale, and it’s a real shame he never got to finish it. I don’t know why his son felt the need to finish it, as the published (albeit unfinished) version stands on its own two feet.

Anyway, be that as it may, I’ve just had a thought. Excuse me while I completely nerd-out for a few bullet points (I read an awful lot of Tolkien in my youth, don’t you know?):

  • The Children of Hurin goes by the full, made-up-Tolkien-language title Narn I Hin Hurin (literally The Lay of the Children of HurinLay meaning poem in obsolete English). So, the word Narn means poem (or poetic tale) in made-up-Tolkien-language;
  • Tolkien’s best friend was C.S. Lewis, but Tolkien got somewhat pissed off with Lewis because Lewis kept nicking his ideas;
  • C.S. Lewis’s poor excuse for a Tolkien-rip-off fantasy land was named Narnia;
  • … I reckon Lewis based the name Narnia on Tolkien’s word Narn—so Narnia would mean The Land of Poetic Tales.

Well, that’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it.

(OK, I know, I’ll get my coat.)

See also: A Rather Curious Number

My, this is getting almost embarrassing

BBC: Europe clinch Ryder Cup hat-trick

Sweden’s Henrik Stenson [no relation] robbed Darren Clarke of a fairytale ending but home fans were still in raptures as Europe strolled to a 18½–9½ victory over America in the 36th Ryder Cup at the K Club.

That’s 18½–9½. I repeat: that’s 18½–9½ (again).

Well done, chaps!

See also:

When all you’ve got is a hammer…

…everything starts to look like a nail [old Chinese proverb].

I was helping Carolyn review her CV today. Every accountant I have ever met writes their CV in Microsoft Excel. No matter that Excel is totally unsuitable for the job, it’s the tool of their trade; it’s what they’re used to; it’s what’s to hand.

Similarly, my farmer friend uses the plastic string that comes round bails of hay for just about everything. There’s a book in there somewhere: 101 Uses for Bailer Band (or 102, if you tie up your hay bails with it). No kidding, I’ve even seen her truss up a chicken with the stuff prior to broiling it (it turned the broth a lovely shade of blue).

Adapting/kludging solutions from what is to hand was a pet theme of my favourite writer, the late Stephen Jay Gould. If you’re not familiar with his books, you should give them a try. I particularly recommend Bully For Brontosaurus.

Abstinonsense

BBC: Many would ‘want to live to 100′

Many Britons would give up favourite things, including sex, to reach 100 years of age, a poll suggests.

Some 40% said they would give up sex—half of women and a third of men—39% food and drinks and 42% travel.

Why do people have to be so STUPID? Why elect to give up sex and food and travel and stuff in order to live to be 100, when they might just as easily have chosen to give up things they don’t like doing, such as filling in tax returns, or mowing the lawn? Me? I would quite happily give up decorating, going to the dentist, and queuing behind old ladies who prefer to pay with cash, if it meant I could live to be 100.

I mean, it stands to reason.

See also:

Hey, I’ve found just the place to store all those green boats!

More weird green boatery on Flickr

Symbolic.


Slovenian artist Matej Andraz Vogrincic has created a new artwork in the derelict shell of St Luke’s church, Liverpool, which was burned out by a German incendiary bomb in 1941. The piece comprises 56 green fibreglass boats, moulded from a 114-year-old original found on the coast of Slovenia.

My guess is that it is supposed to symbolise the emigration of Irish people to Liverpool (and thence to the New World) during the mid-nineteenth century… The church’s gardens are the site of a monument to the Irish Potato Blight.

It’s pretty damn cool, and the best use I’ve seen a church put to.

More photos »

Thinking-man’s strumpet

Observer: ‘This much I know’ by Joan Bakewell

Society has become obsessed about smoking. I smoked 40 a day for years, through two pregnancies. Never occurred to anyone then. I hit 40 and I remember thinking, ‘I really ought to give up.’ I thought of buying a pack the other day, though, just because I’m so irritated by this ‘don’t smoke within two miles of me’ stuff.

Ha-ha! Nice one, centurion!

Definitely maybe

From a instant messaging conversation with Carolyn:

Richard: Do you know if you’ll be in Liverpool on Thursday?

Carolyn: Not sure yet – I may well be. In fact it could be a ‘probably’ but I’m not definite.

And to think I was wondering why Carolyn and I haven’t managed to go out for a drink in the last five years.

Sadistic asshat

New Scientist: Enzyme shot restores memory in Alzheimer’s mice

It may eventually be possible to restore some of the lost cognitive function and learning ability of people with Alzheimer’s disease.

Michael Shelanski of Columbia University in New York and his colleagues knew that an enzyme called ubiquitin C-terminal hydrolase L1 (Uch-L1) is essential for ridding brain cells of unwanted proteins, and that the beta-amyloid protein that forms plaques in the brains of Alzheimer’s patients somehow stops production of this enzyme.

When they injected extra Uch-L1 into the brains of mice with the mouse equivalent of Alzheimer’s disease, the animals’ learning ability improved markedly.

What sort of sadistic asshat chooses a name like ubiquitin C-terminal hydrolase L1 for a chemical that might help people with Alzheimer’s? How the hell are they going to remember to ask for that down at Boots?

I’ll bet it was the same tosser who decided on the spelling of dyslexia.

Disinterested adjudicator

A colleague from another department asked me to act as an impartial, disinterested adjudicator in an internal, potentially controversial, prioritisation process yesterday.

It made me feel quite important until I found out they wanted me to judge the winner in a gingerbread-person decoration competiton.

True to form, I exercised the wisdom of Solomon, and plumped for the babe in the bikini.

You can’t pontificate and eat shit

BBC: Pope ‘meant no offence’ to Islam

The Vatican has denied that Pope Benedict XVI intended any offence to the Muslim religion, after a speech touching on the concept of holy war…

The remarks have angered clerics and commentators around the Muslim world.

I can’t help feeling that the Moslem world is over-reacting. If they would only study the entire text of His Holiness’s speech [37kb PDF] before jumping to conclusions, they would see that it wasn’t the Pope who insulted the Prophet Mohammed; he was merely quoting one of his illustrious, crusading Byzantine predecessors.

He’s an old man, for St Peter’s sake! He didn’t mean to cause any offence. Cut him a bit of slack, why don’t you? So he made a bit of a goof. We’re all fallible.

Oh yes, that’s right…

Stensil

Compare and contrast:

Stense

Fabulous work of art.

Stensil

Stense.

Yesterday was Stense‘s birthday, so I made her a special present. For obvious reasons, I dubbed it a Stensil™.

I’m glad to say, Stense was suitably impressed. She didn’t actually say she liked it, but she was certainly impressed all right.

If you’d like to know how I did it, or if you’d like to make a Stensil™ of your own, I have published full, illustrated instructions on a special page entitled How to make your very own Stensil (the instructions include a free PDF template for you to use).

You should give it a go: it’s a fun way to waste an awful lot of time, and Stense will be mortified.


See also: How to make your very own Scary Stense greetings card

Bumf

Information supplied on the side of a bottle of Buxton Natural Mineral Water:

Buxton Natural Mineral Water flows naturally to the surface having filtered for 5000 years through the ancient limestone of the Peak District. From a depth of 1500 metres, it arrives at the surface untouched by man or machine as pure as nature intended.

…And then they squirt it into a plastic bottle and slap a best before date on it.

Talking of apologies…

Guardian: Boris sorry for ‘cannibal’ comments

Conservative MP Boris Johnson has been forced to apologise for causing offence to the people of Papua New Guinea after linking the south-east Asian island state to “cannibalism and chief-killing”.

The gaffe-prone Tory education spokesman sparked the outrage of Papua New Guinea’s High Commissioner in London Jean L Kekedo…

Port Moresby’s British representative insisted cannibalism had been stamped out two centuries ago.

Phew! And to think I’ve been avoiding Papua New Guinea all these years for fear of being eaten. I feel so stupid.