Come on, you chaps, time to dig deep

HMS BeagleOccasional Gruts commenter, Friend of Charles Darwin, ship’s master, Yorkshireman, and all-round good egg, Peter McGrath, has finally started accepting PayPal donations for the Beagle Project. The project’s aim is to build a working replica of HMS Beagle, celebrating Charles Darwin’s 200th anniversary and helping to inspire a new generation of scientists.

This isn’t your typical half-baked, internet-based campaign. I’m in regular email contact with Peter, and, if anyone can get this thing built and on the water, it’s him. Check out his weblog for more background info.

Go on, I’ll be your best mate!

200% Owl

Twilight road

Owl Stump Bend.

About a mile from my house, there’s a picturesque bend in the road with a three-foot-high tree stump that always reminds me of a giant owl. A very giant owl.

I was approaching this bend on my way home this evening, when a tawny owl [Strix aluco] flew in front of my car and landed on top of the public footpath sign at the side of the road. I slammed on my brakes and watched the bird in the car’s headlights. It looked back at me for about 20 seconds, then flew up into the branches of a tree on the other side of the road.

I moved the car a bit closer and watched some more. Suddenly, a second tawny owl flew out of the darkness and attacked the first. After a brief altercation, the first owl flew off, and the second took its place on the branch.

Nowadays, owls are literally fighting each other to get a mention on Gruts.

See also:

Computer says, ‘No’

Here we go yet again:

BBC: Paedophiles to undergo lie tests

Paedophiles are to undergo lie detector tests to see if they are likely to re-offend, the Home Office confirmed.

OK, for the sake of argument, let’s assume the following:

  • lie-detectors have an accuracy of 90% (although I’m sure it must actually be far lower than this)
  • there is a 20% chance of a convicted paedophile re-offending if released (This figure is very difficult to estimate. The latest official recidivism figure for people conviced of child sex offences is 14%, but this doesn’t take into account recidivists who are not re-convicted, nor people who would re-offend, but are never released.)
  • 100 convicted paedophiles are tested to decide whether they should be released

20% (i.e. 20) of the 100 paedophiles will re-offend if released. The 90% accurate lie-detector will detect 18 of these. So, presumably, they will not be released, and the other two will.

80% (i.e. 80) of the 100 paedophiles will not re-offend if released. The 90% accurate lie-detector will say 72 of these people should be released, and 8 should not.

Overall Results:

  • 74 people released from prison, of whom two (3%) will re-offend
  • 26 people remain in prison, of whom 8 (31%) would not have re-offended

If, instead of 90%, I had assumed a lie-detector accuracy of, what seems to me, a far more realistic yet still generous 60%, the result would have been a 14% recidivism rate, with 44 people kept in prison, of whom 32 (73%) should have been released.

Does this inspire you with confidence? If you were being accused of a crime, would you prefer your liberty to be determined by one of these machines, or by a group of your peers?

But we’re talking about convicted paedophiles, so I guess it’s all right, then, isn’t it?

Meet Molly Carter

Molly

Molly.

Say my mum’s new puppy is the cutest thing you ever saw in your life, or I will run over your cat!

She’s called Molly, after my late grandmother. Had she been named after my other late grandmother, she would have been called Margaret.

So Molly it was.

I’ve given her the same speech I gave her much-missed predecessor when she was about the same age, explaining how she has a hell of an act to follow, but I’m sure she’ll do just fine.

Best birthday present ever, according to mum.

I think this is the best batch yet

The Finished Product

Caesar adsum iam forte…

Seville oranges are in season, so Jen and I made some marmalade today. We’d never made any before. It took bloody hours.

I worked out that, if you take the cost of the ingredients and our combined salaries into account, each jar cost us approximately £23. Perhaps we’ll stick with Frank Cooper’s in future: he can undercut us by about 90%.

While we were making the marmalade, it occurred to me that two of the best things in the world for eating on toast both begin with the letters M-A-R-M: marmalade and Marmite™.

I wonder what marmosets taste like.

Staying positive

According to my garden thermometer, last night was the coldest so far this winter: the temperature dropped to +3°C. Bearing in mind that I live 800ft above sea level in the Pennines, this is pretty remarkable: it’s a month after the winter solstice, and we haven’t had any frost yet, let alone snow and ice.

Last year’s hot, dry summer was bad news for my garden slugs, but what we really need now is some really cold weather to kick them while they’re down; the sort of cold, clear, frosty weather that hurts your lungs when you breathe in.

It’s hailing outside as I type, and the Met Office is predicting a cold snap, so fingers-crossed!

Perhaps there’s something in this global warming malarkey after all.

You can thank us later, Man U

BBC: Liverpool 2-0 Chelsea

Liverpool dented Chelsea’s Premiership title challenge in impressive style…

The defeat leaves Chelsea six points behind Manchester United – who visit Arsenal on Sunday – and puts Liverpool only five points behind Jose Mourinho’s troubled champions.

I never thought I’d live to see the day, but, a couple of weeks ago, an ardent Liverpool fan who shall remain nameless—so let’s call him Bill—stated quite unequivocally that he would rather Manchester United won the Premiership than Chelsea.

I’m totally confused. What is the world coming to?

Ya cannae change the laws of physics, cap’n!

Why I will never be an internet billionnaire

No commercial nouse, that’s my problem. That and scruples.

I’ve had a few freebies over the years, thanks to Gruts and my Darwin website: occasional Darwin-related books from publishers, and the odd unexpected present from my Amazon wishlist. Hell, I’ve even made over a tenner from Amazon referral fees. But I don’t have that killer business instinct—the ability to recognise and seize upon a nice little earner.

Take this proposition I received via the Darwin site the other day, for example:

I can offer you $35 if you’ll place an ad on [this page] for a website that provides information about LASIK eye surgery. I can supply the ad to you with payment if you’re interested.

You see, all I had to do was act the pimp, turn my personal hero, Charles Darwin, into a whore, and $35 could have been mine. That’s £15.22 in proper money. A few thousand more offers like that each year, and I could be living the life of Riley. If it weren’t for my scruples, that is.

DAMN SCRUPLES!

When you walk through a storm…

Mersey Storm

The River Mersey earlier today.

Holy crap, was it windy today, or what?

At lunchtime, I rather stupidly took a stroll down to the Pier Head in Liverpool to take some snaps. I now know what the River Mersey tastes like. It tastes like Golden Wonder ready salted crisps.

I’ll admit it, I’m a rather heavy chap, but I was nearly blown arse over tit at one point, as lamp-post fittings crashed to the pavement on all sides.

It was fun, in a daring-man-of-action kind of way.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say, it was so windy, that the wind powerstations of the nation must have generated at least 3 Watts of power before they were taken offline for safety reasons.

Right on queue

I don’t claim to be the world’s most patient man when it comes to queuing, but I usually manage to to bite my tongue and suffer in silence—with just the occasional, very British tut thrown in for good measure. But last week, they really were taking the piss.

It started at Tesco on Thursday. I’d queued very patiently while the man on the checkout had an item-by-item conversation with the elderly lady in front of me. She then took out her purse and paid in coppers.

But, when it finally came to my turn, the checkout man just stared at my bottles of wine on the conveyor belt and began to rearrange them. I coughed politely, and he rearranged them some more.

“That’s a particularly good one,” I said eventually, pointing at an Aussie Shiraz. It was the only way I could think of catching his attention.

“Ooh! Really?” said the man, who then proceeded to hunt around for a pen and copy down the name of the wine onto a piece of paper. “I might try that one next,” he said.

Then, on Saturday, I spent what seemed like 20 minutes standing behind some bloke who was evidently going for the high score on the local cashpoint machine.

Either that, or he was emailing home.

Previous queue-related zaniness:

email admin note

I just spent a couple of hours tweaking my spam filters. Emails from all my usual correspondents (including people who usually leave comments, but sometimes email) should get through unaffected.

If, however, any of you suspect your emails aren’t getting through to me, please re-send them with the word ‘carrot’ included anywhere in the title.

(This is not a wind-up, by the way.)

The :-

Whatever happened to the colon-dash punctuation mark. You remember the thing:

:-

It seems to have gone the way of bowler hats, Texan bars and white dog poo.

When I was a kid, we were taught that we should always introduce a list with a colon followed by a dash. But nowadays, all you ever see is colons. Granted, the colons look a lot tidier without the dashes, but I wonder who it was who decided that the dash was no longer necessary. Perhaps they thought it looked a bit too much like one of those godawful smilies. A smiley without a smile.

I seem to be spending far too much time worrying about this sort of thing these days.

The colon-dash, eh? Sounds like some sort of sponsored charity event in a hospital.

Tomorrow’s headlines today

BBC: Leo Sayer quits Big Brother house

Seventies pop star Leo Sayer has walked out of the Celebrity Big Brother house on the day he was up for eviction.

It is thought the 58-year-old quit the Channel 4 show after knocking down a door with a shovel…

Model Danielle Lloyd said she thought Leo had quit because he was “worried about being rejected” by the public.

All together now…

I won’t let the show go on!

Actually, Sayer’s actions are clearly a pathetic attempt to remind viewers of his biggest hit, which he will now, no doubt, be re-releasing. Just listen to a few of the lyrics:

Baby, there’s an enormous crowd of people
And they’re all after my blood
I wish maybe they’d tear down the walls of this theatre
And let me out… let me out

Baby, I wish you’d help me escape
And help me get away
Leave me outside my address
Far away from this masquerade

Coincidence? I’ll leave it to you to decide.

Overheard conversation

“I’m trying to get a bit fitter,” said the overweight man. “I got one of those rowing machines for Christmas. I’ve set it up in front of the telly. I’m taking it fairly easy at first: only a mile a day.”

“That’s a good start, though!” said his friend encouragingly.

“The little computer thing says it’s enough to burn up eight calories,” said the man, taking another swig from his can of 7 Up.