Monthly Archives: September 2007

Lentils

Posted on by
2

I have no idea who Alicia Silverstone is. Sure, I know the name, but I don’t know why she’s famous. Perhaps her dad designed Formula One race tracks or something. I could look it up, I suppose, but life’s too short.

Anyway, Alicia Silverstone has got her kit off to make a pro-veggie ad. Never one to miss an opportunity for some gratuitous female nudity on Gruts, why don’t I show it to you?

Alicia Silverstone seems like a nice lass. For a veggie with an obnoxiously twangy American accent, I mean. They’re usually such miserable sods. Vegetarians, I mean, not Americans. Not all of them, you understand—some of my best friends are veggies—but an awful lot of them are such miserable, joyless, pasty-faced sods. Vegetarians, I mean, not my friends. And it’s no coincidence they’re miserable, joyless, pasty-faced sods: not enough meat, you see.

Anyway, the American pro-meat brigade have responded to the Alicia Silverstone ad with an identical one of their own. Identical, that is, except this one stars a fat bloke with a ‘tache. Never one to seize an opportunity for some gratuitous male nudity on Gruts, why don’t I post a link to it on YouTube instead?

Do you see what they’re doing, there? They’re trying to imply that being a vegetarian makes you into a sexy babe, whereas being a meat-eater makes you into a fat bloke with a ‘tache. No mention of miserable, pasty-facedness. No mention of obnoxiously twangy American accents. No mention of poo that smells of lentils. No, become a veggie and become a sexy babe like Alicia Silverstone; eat meat and become a fat bloke with a ‘tache; that’s what they’re saying.

Well, let me present you with an alternative dichotomy. Compare and contrast:

Some carrots

A vegetarian dinner this evening.

My dinner

My dinner this evening

Not so smug now, eh, Alicia?

Pugin

Posted on by
4

According to a recent article in the London Review of Books, Pugin, the architect who designed the UK Houses of Parliament, had the forenames Augustus Welby Northmore.

Christ, what sort of sick bastard would do that to a child? I’ll bet he was teased something rotten at school.

It must must have been one hell of a difficult childbirth.

I receive Attention

Posted on by
2

If you don’t understand the next paragraph, don’t let it worry you—neither do I. Seriously. In it, I try to make use of some arcane jargon which, to be honest, I don’t really understand. But the worrying thing is that I think it is slowly starting to make sense to me. It won’t make sense to you, though. Not unless you listen to the same podcasts as I do. So, if I were you, I’d skip the next paragraph altogether and pick up the story one paragraph later. It will make a lot more sense that way, and won’t detract from the story.

Two of my Gestures brought some unexpected Attention home to roost this week. Suddenly, I understand what Steve Gillmor (vanity feed still working, Steve?) has been going on about all this time. I think.

On Saturday, I received a leaflet through the post advertising a writing course in North Wales. One of the tutors on the course is author Redmond O’Hanlon, whose book Trawler I had written about on Gruts. The person who sent me the leaflet had evidently trawled (no pun intended) the web for people with websites (i.e. writers) with an interest in Redmond O’Hanlon. They had then picked up my contact details from my Charles Darwin website and sent me the leaflet. I am not at all interested in the writing course, but I was impressed to have been singled out for special attention in this way, and didn’t (as I normally would) resent being sent this unsolicited advertisement, as it was at least relevant to my interests.

Then, yesterday, I received a free book through the post: The Evolutionists: American Thinkers Confront Charles Darwin, 1860—1920 by J David Hoeveler. It had been sent by the publisher. The person who sent it had worked out that I am in the habit of reviewing books about Charles Darwin etc. and decided to send me a copy. Over the years, I have been sent about 10 Darwin-related books by publishers. In many cases they were books I would have bought anyway. In this particular case, I probably wouldn’t, but it is now on my reading list and will receive a review at some point. The book was addressed to the Review Editor at The Friends of Charles Darwin. Nice touch, that. I quite fancy myself as a Review Editor.

The message of this story: why not get yourself a website and start writing about stuff that interests you? You might end up getting some Attention.

Explaining the Gruts Paradigm

Posted on by
4

People often say to me, “Richard, your website is a confusing mishmash of thoughts and opinions. Is there no overarching set of ideas that links it together somehow, making method out of your apparent madness?”

“What?” I usually reply. “Do you mean, is there a Gruts Paradigm?”

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re on about,” they invariably respond.

Tell you what: why don’t I get His Bobness to explain?

[Unfortunately, this video of Bob Dylan has now been consigned to the entropy.]

One in 100,000

Posted on by
2

Times: Pope’s robe cut up for 100,000 ‘holy relics’

Fragments of a cassock worn by Pope John Paul II are being offered for sale to the faithful, causing concern in the Vatican over the resurgence in the veneration of relics.

Devotees of John Paul can apply via e-mail, fax or post for fragments of a white cassock to augment their prayers. A cassock worn by John Paul has reportedly been cut into 100,000 pieces to satisfy demand.

The scheme is run by the Vicariate of Rome, which is promoting sainthood for John Paul…

The Vicariate said that it has been overwhelmed by requests for the relics, with priority now being given to those who were praying for the sick or were themselves seriously ill.

I well remember watching stage magician Uri Geller on telly in the 1970s using his so-called psychic powers to mend timepieces over the airwaves. He would tell everyone watching to dig out any broken watches or clocks they had stored away, give them a wind (no battery-powered watches in those days), and concentrate with him as he tried to beam out his psychic energy, or something like that. Then he would practically beg you to phone in if your timepiece (which you had just wound and shaken around in your hands) miraculously started working again.

Even as a kid, I realised that, with several million people watching the programme (only three TV channels and no internet in those days), some timepieces were absolutely bound to start working again—if only for a short time.

The Vicariate of Rome is using exactly the same trickery to obtain vital evidence of a John Paul II miracle: distribute 100,000 holy relics to the desperate and credulous, encourage them to pray to the old sod, and let the Vicariate know if anyone miraculously gets better.

With 100,000 trials and only one success needed to demonstrate a miracle, I’d say the sainthood was in the bag.

Impressive sausage

Posted on by
4

Carolyn yesterday:

Look at the size of your sausage, Richard! It’s absolutely enormous!

No, I know what you’re thinking, but Carolyn was, in fact, talking about a real sausage which I had ordered as part of a pub lunch in Chester.

The Albion, Chester

The Albion pub, Chester.

Had we not already partaken of our frankly magnificent lunches, I would surely have dragged Carolyn into a pub we spotted a short while later. It was named The Albion and the chalk sign outside read:

THE ENGLISH PUB AT ITS VERY BEST

NOMINATED IN TOP SIX BEST CITY PUBS IN BRITAIN – NATIONAL PUB GUIDE

RECOMMENDED IN ALL MAJOR PUB GUIDES AND PUBLICATIONS OVER MANY YEARS -

A GROWN UPS PUB FOR GROWN UP PEOPLE – NO CHILDREN – FAMILY HOSTILE

Sounded like my kind of pub. I wonder where they stand on the cultural vandalism that is the smoking ban.

See also: More photos from our day out in Chester here, including one of Carolyn in her kinky boots. That one should up the ratings.

Was that it?

Posted on by
2

At 09:51 GMT this morning, the Earth’s elliptical trajectory around the Sun reached a point where, from an earth-bound observer’s point of view, the Sun would have appeared directly overhead at the equator.

You can forget about when British Summertime officially ends. As far as I’m concerned, the autumnal equinox defines it. Summer is over.

Crap, wasn’t it?

I could have been a hacker you know

Posted on by
Reply

For reasons I won’t bore you with (yet), Jen and I have been researching parquet flooring this week.

Whenever we searched Google for parquet flooring suppliers in various towns in West Yorkshire, the same company kept appearing as the number one hit. Knowing a little bit about how websites are put together, I worked out that this company had written a piece of code that gives the impression that it is a specialist supplier in just about any town you care to mention…

Including Lesser Willyhampton in Knobshire.

With friends like that

Posted on by
3

Thank goodness for permanent news archives from reputable news organisations. Otherwise, history might well have forgotten the following:

BBC (30-May-2007): Pope meets parents of Madeleine

The parents of Madeleine McCann have met Pope Benedict in Rome and had a photograph of the abducted four-year-old blessed by him.

Apparently, the Vatican has removed all references to the McCann’s audience with the pope from its website. I can’t imagine why.

With friends like that, who needs enemas?

Hardened criminals

Posted on by
5

BBC: Five guilty of fake Viagra scam

Five people have been found guilty of conspiracy to supply millions of pounds worth of counterfeit Viagra.

Let’s hope they’re given a stiff sentence, eh, readers.

(Stiff sentence, geddit?)

Actually, all hype aside, I have to say, Viagra™ has totally transformed my life. Before they invented the stuff, I never received any spam.

F.D.

Posted on by
3

This is so embarrassing:

BBC: Monarch faith role ‘should stay’

Prince Charles should not become defender of all faiths rather than just Christianity when he becomes King, the Archbishop of Canterbury has insisted.

Yes, that’s right, embarrassing.

We Brits have a head of state whose job it is to defend religious faith—specifically the one, true Anglican Protestant faith (not the whole of Christianity, as the Archbishop conveniently forgets).

Look on a coin: ELIZABETH II D.G. REG. F.D. (or, to give it its full Latin, ELIZABETH II DEI GRATIA REGINA FIDEI DEFENSOR)—Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God Queen and Defender of the Faith. A daily reminder that our monarch is required by our famously unwritten constitution to defend one particular brand of religious mumbo-jumbo. Defender of the Faith: a title first conferred on a delighted Henry VIII by Pope Leo X (a Roman Catholic) after Henry wrote a book utterly condemning the new-fangled Protestantism. Go figure.

I mean, if it wasn’t embarrassing enough in the first place for a country governed by the so-called Mother of Parliaments to have a hereditary monarch as a head of state, we should hang our heads in shame that the land that gave the world Newton, Hooke, Darwin, Faraday, Lyell, Kelvin, and a host of other enlightened geniuses—not to mention the sodding Industrial Revolution—still has a boss who is supposed to defend to the death one ridiculous religious sect against all others.

To think that we shake our heads in (hopefully literal) disbelief at what’s going on in the Middle East and Sudan. Talk about motes and planks.

Utterly, utterly embarrassing.

Cream cakes / colour blue

Posted on by
6

How totally ridiculous:

BBC: James Bond tops ‘culture chart’

James Bond’s Casino Royale has topped the UK’s first “culture chart”, bringing together sales of DVDs, books, CDs and computer games in one rundown.

How the hell can you rank books against DVDs, or CDs against video games? It makes about as much sense as saying you prefer cream cakes to the colour blue.

Earlier cream cake / colour blue comparisons:

Balls by name…

Posted on by
2

My, this is scary:

BBC: Faith schools set for expansion

The government has pledged its support for the principle of faith schools – with the prospect of many more Muslim schools within the state sector.

Schools Secretary Ed Balls and faith group leaders have formed a partnership – endorsing faith schools as a force to improve social cohesion in England.

Social cohesion? Is that what they’re calling sectarianism these days?

Why not write to your MP and tell them how you feel about this? You might like to cc. the aptly named Ed Balls while you’re at it. (Not that writing to your MP ever made a shite of difference, you understand.)

Personally speaking, I am fucking livid.

Bad example, chaps

Posted on by
2

BBC: Starch ‘fuel of human evolution’

Man’s ability to digest starchy foods like the potato may explain our success on the planet, genetic work suggests.

According to current evolutionary theory, man evolved in Africa, whereas the potato evolved in South America. The two were not destined to meet until long after human beings had evolved their ability to digest starch.

Pedantic, I know, but the next thing you know, the tabloids will be claiming that we evolved from chips, not chimps.

(And yes, I know we didn’t evolve from chimps, but the tabloids probably don’t.)