Category Archives: sport

The price of penguins

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BBC: UK sent nuclear sub near Falklands, says Argentina
Argentina’s foreign minister has accused the UK of sending a nuclear-armed submarine to the South Atlantic, after making an official complaint to the UN over the Falklands dispute.

This one has manufactured Olympics boycott written all over it. Remember, you heard it here first.

Incidentally, have you noticed how every time the BBC reports on the Falkland Islands, it feels compelled to explain that they are known in Argentina as the Malvinas? What’s that got to do with the price of penguins? Whenever they mention Germany, they don’t feel the need to explain that the country is known in France as l’Allemagne.

Gabby Logan, deux points

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I have what I like to think is a healthy cynicism regarding any so-called sport which is performed to music, and where points are awarded for artistic merit or international relations: figure skating, certain gymnastic events, the Eurovision Song Contest, and so on. Top of the list, obviously, must be synchronised bloody swimming.

The other week, ticket-sellers cocked up and oversold 10,000 tickets for the forthcoming Olympic synchronised bloody swimming competition. Yes, ten-thousand: there are ten-thousand saddoes out there prepared to part with their hard-earned cash for the privilege of watching girls with bulldog clips on their noses perform semi-aquatic dance-erobics with Phil Bloody Collins blaring away in the background. No, come to think of it, there are far more saddoes than that, because that’s just the oversold tickets. Jee-zuss!

It’s phenomenally popular, for some incomprehensible reason, synchronised bloody swimming. Which makes me wonder whether the BBC might have missed a trick. They’ve managed to get the clueless public glued to their telly sets every Saturday evening to watch no-mark Z-list celebrities take ballroom-dancing lessons. Quality telly, that—and cheap as well. So how come they haven’t latched on to the idea of celebrity synchronised bloody swimming? Hell, even I would watch that. Even an old cynic like me would be unable to pass up the opportunity to watch Ann Widdecombe, Jordan or Kerry Katona putting themselves at severe risk of drowning.

Jordan

No risk whatsoever of drowning.

Actually, no, I don’t think Jordan would be at any risk whatsoever of drowning. Better make it Emma Bunton instead.

Carrying a torch

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Hebden Bridge Times: Second chance to shine at Olympics for Frank
A former weightlifter is set to put the Calder Valley on the Olympic map for a second time.
Frank Rothwell, who lives in Hebden Bridge, has been given a conditional offer to carry the Olympic Torch as it winds its way through Britain next year.
Frank, a former champion weightlifter who represented Ireland at the Munich Olympics in 1972, said he didn’t know in which part of the country he would be carrying the famous flame, but hoped it would be in Halifax on Sunday, June 24.

The gentleman in question is Jen‘s Uncle Frankie. Which gives me the perfect excuse for showing you my all-time favourite sporting photograph. Here is Frank training for the Olympics in his kitchen in the early 1970s:

Training for the Olympics

Get within kicking distance and throw the ball to Jonny

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World Cup final, playing the defending champions on their home turf, last minute of extra time: we all knew my mate Clive‘s game plan. So simple, even a soccer player could understand it. Simple, yet totally reliable:

(Off his wrong foot, as well.)

Jonny Wilkinson has decided to retire from test rugby. A great ambassador for the game, and for his country. Even the Aussie’s won’t hear a word said against him, apparently.

Oh, go on, then, just one more time:

Big end tart

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BBC Sport: Stoke 1-1 Dynamo Kiev
Kenwyne Jones’ towering late header ensured Stoke progressed to the knockout phase of the Europa League.

I’m not sure that I like the idea of Dynamo Kiev. I tried Chicken Kiev once, and it was OK, but dynamo… Really?

I wonder if all Russian soccer clubs name their teams after exotic engine-component recipes. I have to say, Sump Pavlova sounds rather nice, but I’m not at all sure about Carburettor Rarebit.

Those Russians are crazy. I mean, which other country on earth would name an entire town Ardon? I kid you not.

 Postscript: Oh, apparently Switzerland would. And France (twice). And Spain. Who says the Europeans can never agree on anything?

Meanwhile, in sports news…

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Hebden Bridge Times:

Class told despite improved performance

JACKS scored the first goal but Jammies ran away with 21 – 8 in the latest matches in the Todmorden Netball League.

But it was still a much improved performance from Jacks, although Jammies went into the second half leading 7-3.

Jacks are unreconisable from the team struggling for form over the last few weeks with fluid enthusiastic play.

Jammies class told in the end but Jacks made them work for every goal.

Terriers pipped Giants 15 – 12. Giants had some good defensive play but Terriers kept their cool and edged it in the last few minutes.

Both teams defended and shot well with the game going from end to end.

Bad passing let Lions down as Borough Bears beat them 19 – 12.

Bears were back to their starting seven and their passing was a lot tighter around the semi circle.

Lions came back in the second half but Bears were too strong. Pink Panthers went down 20 – 10 to Rangers in a fast paced match.

Windies had no game.

No, me neither.

Swing low

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I heard it on the radio first: John Terry has been stripped of the England captaincy by Capello!

Yes, that’s right: someone I had never heard of had been removed as ‘England captain’ by someone else I had never heard of for bending one into the ex-girlfriend of a team-mate.

For those of you as baffled as I was, John Terry, it turns out, is—or, rather, was—the England Men’s Soccer team captain. In other words, an overpaid, coiffured softie who can kick a ball. Apparently, captain is official BBC short-hand for men’s soccer captain.

Meanwhile, in real sports news, the 2010 Six Nations Championship opens today.

(That would be men’s rugby union, for the totally clueless.)

Postscript: Noooooooo!!! BBC: Prince Harry to become RFU vice-patron. If the nasty little ginger shit wants vice, he should follow the footie!

Shearerballs

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Geordie soccer pundit Alan Shearer commenting after the Liverpool-Wigan match on Match of the Day last night:

I have to say, it was a very, very good game of football, with some top players on show from both sides—and I include Wigan in that.