Surely the most Tennissy Williamses.
(I’m here all week, folks.)
Venus and Serena
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Category Archives: sport
Vertical lateral thinking
Augustus the Strong (1670–1733)
You can say what you like about Augustus the Strong, Elector of Saxony, but he was one hell of a tosser. At one tournament he presided over, 647 foxes, 533 hares, 34 badgers and 21 wildcats were killed for fun.
Animal tossing, most commonly fox tossing, was once a popular sport in certain parts of Europe—primarily amongst the aristocracy, obviously. Two toffs would take either end of a large sling and launch the wild creatures skywards, usually to deadly effect.
A fox tossing tournament of the early 18th century. (Note the quite high foxes.)
Unusually for a blood sport practised almost exclusively by the aristocracy, fox tossing went the way of blood sports popular amongst mere plebs, such as bear baiting, cock fighting, and goose pulling. Yes, goose pulling.
Well, call me controversial, but I think it might be time for an animal tossing revival. Only this week, we’ve heard how we need to cull 50% of the deer in the UK to protect the countryside. Personally, I’d re-introduce wolves to keep them in check, but I suspect I’m in the minority on that one. So why don’t we launch our spare deer into the air instead? Can you imagine how cool it would be to toss a deer—to see it actually somersaulting through the air? I’d pay good money to see that. Then there’s the invasive grey squirrels. Bastards! Up in the air with them too! And cats, obviously. Bloody, bloody cats!
Seriously, though, I’m struggling to see any drawbacks with this one: fewer deer, grey squirrels and cats ruining the countryside; still no wolves to worry about; and even the toffs are happy!
It’s a win-win-win!
Eeee, grande!!
The 2014 Tour de France will be passing through Hebden Bridge.
We’d better lay on some extra horse meat.
Paralympics
The girlfriend of the son of the woman who cuts our hair, as she watched the Paralympic equestrian dressage event earlier this week:
Is it the horses who are disabled, or the riders?
Putting the Olympics into perspective
So, Team GB finished the 2012 London Olympics with a magnificent haul of 29 gold medals.
Let’s put that figure into some sort of perspective. If you were to trade each one of Team GB‘s gold medals for an African elephant, you would have 29 African elephants: a sizeable herd in anyone’s book.
If you were to trade each one of the USA’s 46 gold medals for a hairy wood ant, however, you would only have 46 hairy wood ants: barely enough to form a viable colony. And if you were to trade each one of China’s 38 gold medals for a honey bee, their entire lifetimes’ honey output, assuming 36 of them were drones, would be insufficient to fill a packet of Lockets honey and lemon cough sweets.
A herd of African elephants versus a struggling colony of wood ants, or half a packet of Lockets. Just dwell on that comparison for a union-flag-waving moment.
(The least said about Australia’s paltry seven termites the better.)
Defeatist
The Olympic Games are not two days old, and already the Brits are showing a totally bloody typical defeatist attitude:
Granted, we’re having one or two problems with the Olympic venues, but that doesn’t mean they’re totally stuffed, does it, Lord Coe? Where’s your sense of proportion? Where’s your Blitz Spirit?
Imagine if Churchill had said we were stuffed two days after Dunkirk. Old Adolf would have been foxtrotting goose-stepping down the Mall and having us singing La Marseillaise within a week.
We are Team GB! Hear us roar!
Let’s go!
Festival of sport
Are the rest of you as fed up as I am with the Olympics yet? They seem to have been dragging on forever. To make matters worse, we were promised a festival of sport, and all we’ve had so far is wall-to-wall soccer and tennis.
I’m thinking of asking for my money back.