Category Archives: videos

Can’t be done

Posted on by
1

Poor young Lana Del Rey! Everything was going so well, and then David Cameron had to come along and blurt out that he is a fan. Definitely not cool.

What? You don’t have a clue who I’m talking about? He’s the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, for Pete’s sake! Oh, right, you mean Lana Del Ray. She’s an up-and-coming pop chanteuse who made a song last year called Video Games, which was a big hit. It was pretty OK, if you like that sort of thing. Here’s the video. No need to watch it if you’re not that way inclined.

Like I say, it’s a pretty OK song. But what worries me about Video Games is the opening verse:

Swinging in the backyard
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name

Have you ever tried to whistle someone’s name? It can’t be done. Not unless the ‘person’ in question is a budgerigar, a Star Wars™ droid™, or a clanger. Go on, have a go: try to whistle the name Lana Del Ray. I guarantee it won’t sound anything like the name Lana Del Ray; it will sound much more like the opening four notes of Scott Joplin’s The Entertainer.

Tell you what, I’ll make it easier: try just to whistle the name Lana. Go on, I can wait…

It came out sounding like the first two notes of Colonel Bogey, didn’t it? It could have represented any two-syllable word, couldn’t it? Richard, for example, or onion.

Like I said, you simply can’t whistle someone’s name. Whistles come in notes; names come in vowels and consonants. They don’t map.

Why don’t people think about what they’re saying when they write these lyrics? Is it any bloody wonder the Prime Mister speaks in meaningless platitudes when this is the sort of nonsense he likes to listen to?

2011 in a nutshell

Posted on by
Reply

I spent a couple of hours this afternoon experimenting with some of the more esoteric features of my photo-management software. In the process, and quite unplanned, I ended up creating a rather happy video slideshow of some of my favourite photos from last year.

(Click the play button and then the arrows next to the word Vimeo to view in full-screen mode.)

[Thanks to DanoSongs.com for the royalty-free soundtrack.]

2,000 not out

Posted on by
4

This is the 2,000th post on Gruts. To celebrate, here is a video of my dad’s talented cocker spaniel, Molly, doing her Howlin’ Wolf impersonation.

(If you listen very carefully, Molly says ‘Thank you’ at the end.)

Taken, not given

Posted on by
2

ITV have pulled the following light-hearted song by comedian Tim Minchin from Jonathan Ross’s Christmas show on the grounds that it ‘didn’t quite work editorially’.

For which, read that they are a bunch of spineless cowards, terrified that they might cause the slightest offence to some clueless god-botherer somewhere.

Remember, offence is taken, not given. Personally, I take great offence at censorship of popular entertainment shows on the grounds that certain other people might find the content offensive.

Fairly harmless, isn’t it?

What else are ITV protecting us from?

Chan Singh his luck

Posted on by
9

Cold-caller (with a very strong Indian accent): Can I speak with the home-owner please?
Richard Carter: Hello, speaking.
CC: Hello, my name is Jackie. I am calling to tell you…
RC: What? Is your name really Jackie?
CC: Erm… Yes.
RC: Wow! I would never have had you down for a Jackie! What’s your surname, Jackie, as a matter of interest?
CC: Erm… My name is Jackie… Chan.
RC: What, as in the movie star? The chap who does all that kung fu?
CC: Erm…
RC: He’s great! Did you ever see that film where he fights with those ladders?
CC: …?
RC: … Is your name really Jackie Chan? That’s amazing! Isn’t he Chinese?
CC: Erm… My name is Jackie Chan Singh. Erm… My parents are big fans of his.
RC: Wow! That’s totally unbelievable! How can I help you, Jackie?
CC: I am calling to tell you that your property qualifies for a government grant.
RC: Ooh, that’s good! A government grant for what?
CC: A government grant for an upgrade.
RC: FANTASTIC!! Could I use it to build a tower? I’ve always wanted a tower!
CC: … I’m sorry, sir, I am having difficulty hearing what you are saying.
RC: Could… I… use… it… to… build… a… TO-WER?
CC: Did you say tower, sir?
RC: Yes. Like they have on castles. I’ve always wanted one. Could I use the government grant to build a tower on the side of my house?
CC: Erm…
RC: And possibly a moat?

At this point, the phone line went dead. A power cut wherever Jackie was calling from, I’ll bet. Or something like that. I tried dialling 1471, but his number had been withheld. I suspect he’ll call back when the power comes back on.

In the meantime, here is Jackie Chan—the Chinese one—fighting with the aforementioned ladders: