… Well, good pictures at least.

[via Dangerous Minds]

BBC: London 2012: Isles of Wonder is Olympic ceremony theme
London 2012′s Olympic opening ceremony is to be called Isles of Wonder, organisers have revealed.

Irish Mick and I were on our way home from school. For some reason, we were on the top floor of a bus. There must have been something wrong with the trains. Anyway, it had been raining heavily, and the windows were all steamed up, so I explained to Irish Mick (who wasn’t even Irish Mick back then) how I could prove mathematically that two equals one. I wrote my proof in the condensation on the window. It went like this:

Let a = b
∴ a² = ab
∴ a² – b² = ab – b²
Factorise…
(a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b)
∴ (a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b)
∴ a + b = b
But remember, a = b, so…
b + b = b
∴ 2b = b
∴ 2 = 1
Q.E.D

Irish Mick looked on bemused, then went back to reading The Lord of the Rings. After about ten minutes, however, this cute girl on the seat behind us leant forward and said, “Excuse me, I’ve been staring at that proof for ten minutes, and I can’t work out what’s wrong with it. Can you explain, please?”

So I did.

I never saw her again.

Lesson: Never explain anything: it totally destroys the air of mystery.

… and, while I’m at it, Johnny Otis (1921–2012):

(He invented the elevator, don’t you know?)

BBC: Kodak files for bankruptcy protection
Eastman Kodak, the company that invented the hand-held camera, has filed for bankruptcy protection.

Sad day. How are the mighty fallen, and all that. I know Kodak is a major multinational company, but I have a very soft spot for it. Never forget that it was Kodak who brought photography to the masses: You press the button, we do the rest—the company’s motto said it all.

I have an awful lot of treasured memories saved for posterity, thanks to Kodak. I’m sure you do to. Their Kodachrome slide film, which was discontinued in 2009, was promoted as much for its archival quality as for its image quality. It wasn’t hype: when I look through my old slides, decades after I took them, the Kodachrome shots, which form the vast majority, are as good as the day I got them back through the post (yes, kids, we used to have to send our photos away to be ‘developed’); many of my slides taken on rival brands’ film are now faded, or have distorted colours. Kodak knew what they were doing, when it came to film.

But, apart from registering a few important patents, Kodak totally blew it when it came to digital: they didn’t see the rampaging elephant approaching over the hill until it was too late. I hate it when business people use Darwinian analogies, but, in this case, it seems unavoidable: Kodak failed to adapt to a changing ecosystem, and died.

For nostalgia’s sake, I hope the Kodak brand somehow lives on—albeit in greatly diminished form.

BBC: New yacht for Queen’s jubilee, suggests Michael Gove
Education Secretary Michael Gove has suggested the Queen should be given a new royal yacht to mark her Diamond Jubilee.

Well, that’s extremely generous of him. But those spoil-sports at the BBC have ruined the surprise. Looks like it’s just going to have to be a pair of slippers after all.

The other week, ticket-sellers cocked up and oversold 10,000 tickets for the forthcoming Olympic synchronised bloody swimming competition. Yes, ten-thousand: there are ten-thousand saddoes out there prepared to part with their hard-earned cash for the privilege of watching girls with bulldog clips on their noses perform semi-aquatic dance-erobics with Phil Bloody Collins blaring away in the background. No, come to think of it, there are far more saddoes than that, because that’s just the oversold tickets. Jee-zuss!

It’s phenomenally popular, for some incomprehensible reason, synchronised bloody swimming. Which makes me wonder whether the BBC might have missed a trick. They’ve managed to get the clueless public glued to their telly sets every Saturday evening to watch no-mark Z-list celebrities take ballroom-dancing lessons. Quality telly, that—and cheap as well. So how come they haven’t latched on to the idea of celebrity synchronised bloody swimming? Hell, even I would watch that. Even an old cynic like me would be unable to pass up the opportunity to watch Ann Widdecombe, Jordan or Kerry Katona putting themselves at severe risk of drowning.

No risk whatsoever of drowning.

Actually, no, I don’t think Jordan would be at any risk whatsoever of drowning. Better make it Emma Bunton instead.

Dear Richard

Please excuse us for contacting you out of the blue. Zim Grady is a massively unknown three piece middle-aged hobby-ist band from Oxford, England.

We hope you’re ok with us using one of your images (this one) on some art to accompany an EP that we’ve made available for free download at zimgrady.bandcamp.com/album/moonshine-ep.

The lead track on the EP, Moonshine and Harness, has a line in the second verse about clutching a bottle of Angry Chimp Moonshine. If you go to the link above, you’ll see that we’ve used your picture of a bronze chimp head from the Natural History Museum as the basis for a fictional moonshine brand logo. Should you have a listen we hope you’ll like the track (obviously!), and appreciate the re-use of your pic.

We’ve credited you under the CC license you chose for the image and linked to your Flickr homepage at the page on our website above. Please let us know if you’d like us to amend the credit in any way.

All the best,
John (the bassist from Zim Grady)

Guardian: Eurozone in new crisis as ratings agency downgrades nine countries
Standard & Poor’s strips France of its AAA credit rating, rekindling fears in the markets over future of single currency.

It serves them right. What do they expect, if they choose to be rated by an agency named Standard & Poor’s? The clue’s in the name.

I’m thinking of setting up a credit-rating agency named Extraordinary & Brilliant. That should bring the punters flocking in.

I don’t understand all the fuss about these credit-ratings. Remember, it was these same agencies that previously gave the Eurozone countries a clean bill of health. So what the hell do they know?

Nuclear power needed to fight climate change says Al-Khalili »

Sensible man: a proper scientist, not some clueless tree-hugger.

What? You don’t have a clue who I’m talking about? He’s the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, for Pete’s sake! Oh, right, you mean Lana Del Ray. She’s an up-and-coming pop chanteuse who made a song last year called Video Games, which was a big hit. It was pretty OK, if you like that sort of thing. Here’s the video. No need to watch it if you’re not that way inclined.

Like I say, it’s a pretty OK song. But what worries me about Video Games is the opening verse:

Swinging in the backyard
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name

Have you ever tried to whistle someone’s name? It can’t be done. Not unless the ‘person’ in question is a budgerigar, a Star Wars™ droid™, or a clanger. Go on, have a go: try to whistle the name Lana Del Ray. I guarantee it won’t sound anything like the name Lana Del Ray; it will sound much more like the opening four notes of Scott Joplin’s The Entertainer.

Tell you what, I’ll make it easier: try just to whistle the name Lana. Go on, I can wait…

It came out sounding like the first two notes of Colonel Bogey, didn’t it? It could have represented any two-syllable word, couldn’t it? Richard, for example, or onion.

Like I said, you simply can’t whistle someone’s name. Whistles come in notes; names come in vowels and consonants. They don’t map.

Why don’t people think about what they’re saying when they write these lyrics? Is it any bloody wonder the Prime Mister speaks in meaningless platitudes when this is the sort of nonsense he likes to listen to?

Guardian Business Blog: Eurozone crisis: Merkel and Sarkozy hold rescue talks
Leaders of France and Germany meet in Berlin today to discuss new fiscal rules for the eurozone.

Merkozy, they’re calling the current Germano-French relationship. Merkel and Sarkozy—do you see what they did there?

I like to think, in an alternative reality, Mrs T. is still running the country, and has formed a pact with the French President. They would no doubt refer to the relationship as the T-kozy.

(Mrs T. and Sarkozy—do you see what I did there? T-kozy, do you get it?)

That should certainly make better Europeans of us Brits!

Like I say, in an alternative reality.

A short way into the film, Jen pointed out that the U.S.S. Enterprise bears an uncanny resemblance to a pizza cutter. Brilliant! What a great marketing opportunity! Here is where we finally make our fortune!

Turns out, someone has beaten us to it:

Story of my life.

Observer: John Brockman: the man who runs the world’s smartest website

Second smartest, I think you’ll find.

(Click the play button and then the arrows next to the word Vimeo to view in full-screen mode.)

[Thanks to DanoSongs.com for the royalty-free soundtrack.]

Tesco has, like, so stolen their branding.

I am delighted to report that Mr Key has taken up my suggestion for an inspirational essay On The Moustache Of Archduke Stephen, Palatine Of Hungary.

• This will be the year Britain sees the world and the world sees Britain
• It must be the year we go for it
• get our country up to strength
• the global drama of the Olympics and the glory of the diamond jubilee
• look outward, look onwards and to look our best
• I get that.
• I know how difficult it will be to get through this. But I also know that we will.
• We’ve got clear and strong plans
• debt storms now battering the eurozone
• We have gained security
• we must be bold, confident and decisive about building the future.
• I know much needs to change.
• we’ve set out big plans
• I’m determined to get out there and seize them.
• I am determined to do the bold things
• I will be bold about working to cure the problems of our society.
• I profoundly believe that we can turn these things around.
• That’s what I mean by the big society.
• The British people have got what it takes
• the government has got the ideas and policies we need.
• the best Olympics ever
• we honour our Queen as the finest and most famous example of British dedication, British duty, British steadiness, British tradition
• let’s use these things as a mirror of ourselves too, a mirror of the nation.
• Resilient. Realistic. Intelligent. Curious. Enterprising. Inventive. Unswerving.
• It’s the spirit that has made our universities among the best in the world, our scientists Nobel prizewinners, our athletes gold medal winners, our culture, our music and our television famous everywhere, and our armed forces respected for their dedication and professionalism
• we will find success by being honest with ourselves
• if we lift our eyes to the other side we have it in our power to come through this stronger, better balanced, focused on what this fantastic country does best.

Stirring words, I’m sure we all agree.

Time to get a grip.

Let’s go!

2012. Might this be the year when I finally revert to pronouncing the year number in the pre-2000 way: twenty-twelve, rather than two-thousand-and-twelve? The time seems about right, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to kick what is now a decade-old habit.

We saw the new year in at our place with Bill. Now that we have all of our music digitised, we were able to sit on our sofas, each with a remote control, queuing up a rather eclectic music mix which played on until the not-so-small hours. Alcohol was most definitely involved.

Bill arrived here on Friday evening, which meant I missed out on Jen‘s family’s annual Christmas bash. That’s one I owe him. We decided to watch a movie. “How about a Bourne film?” I suggested. But we ended up opting for The Godfather Part II instead.

The following morning, Bill told Jen that I had suggested we watch a porn film. So I guess I don’t owe him one after all.

Anyway, Happy New Year to one and all. I think it’s going to be a good one.