1st January, 1991.
Her Majesty the Queen,
c/o Buckingham Palace,
Now here's a thing: I was somewhat disturbed to see several notable names missing from the New Year's Honours List announced yesterday. I am told by a good friend who's a big nob in the legal profession that most of the names on the list are concocted by the Prime Minister, providing an excellent opportunity to give "honours to the boys". I can only surmise that, with the recent sad demise of Mrs. Thatcher, certain worthies' names must have slipped through the honours net during the Prime Ministerial hand-over period.
With the greatest respect, ma'am, I would ask you to consider the inclusion of the following people for the indicated honours on your next Birthday Honours List:
i) Miss Emma Freud - presenter of Channel 4's popular "The Media Show". Miss Freud is of good stock and would, it seems to me, make an ideal dame.
ii) Lord Hailsham - one of the shrewdest minds of our time. I would suggest a life peerage.
iii) Mr. Salmon Rushdie - controversial author and defender of free speech. An award (e.g. an OBE) would certainly cheer him up no end. On second thoughts, perhaps this one had better wait until things have simmered down a bit.
iv) Mr. Bernard Davey - the BBC's most accurate weatherman - an OBE.
v) Mr. Bernie Clifton - the popular comedian (the one who rides the ostrich) - a knighthood.
vi) Mr. Jimmy Tarbuck - the music hall entertainer - an OBE.
While I'm at it, may I be so bold as to question the reasoning behind awarding Dame Barbara Cartland ("The Queen of Romance") her damehood? It seems to me that you've played straight into her hands - she's clearly been after a damehood for years: she admitted as much on The Six o'Clock News last night. Is it too late for you to take it back? If the only qualification required for a damehood is to own a frumpy, pink frock and use too much make-up, you might as well award one to Mrs.Mary Whitehouse as well!
Finally, may I take this opportunity to wish you all the best for the coming year.
cc. Mr J Major, PM