Taglines

According to web usability guru Jakob Nielsen, all websites should have a short, meaningful tagline to describe what the site is all about.

Fair enough.

But what if your website is a bunch of random nonsense? The answer would seem to be to have a bunch of nonsense taglines generated at random—which is exactly what happens with this website's taglines (those little pieces of text beneath the word Gruts at the top of this and other pages).

To save you having to refresh the pages hundreds of times to see all the taglines, I have very thoughtfully listed them below. Most of them were invented by Fitz and me during various drinking sessions. I think some of them (mostly the ones invented by me) are rather amusing and clever. Because most of them are formed by mixing or malapropising famous sayings, we dubbed them turns of phrase (to coin a term of phrase).

Anyway, enough explanation; here's the full list:

A bit of a curious egg
A bit of a damp squid
A cock and ball story
A flush in the pan
A fly in the works
A hotly contested potato
A minefield of information
A monstrous Garfunkel on the face of the Internet
A pile of crock
A shite for sore eyes—Sean Connery
A spanner in the ointment
A triumph of smile over content
All the news that's shit to print
And when I get that feeling, I want Secular Healing
Another cuttle of fish
Another feather to my bow
Another grindstone around my neck
Another milestone around my neck
Anything for a quiet wife
As Jehovah is my witness
As bright as a knife
As clean as a bell
As clean as a nut
As clear as a whistle
As clear as pie
As dead as a door-knob
As deaf as a door-nail
As dull as Bridgewater
As easy as mud
As mad as a bag of spanners
As mean as custard
As rare as hot cakes
As regular as custard
As sharp as a button
As smooth as clockwork
As sweet as a whistle
Assuming the faecal position
Back to the millstone
Battening down the hatchets
Because you're worth it
Between a rock and the deep blue sea
Between the devil and a hard place
Biting a gift-horse in the mouth
Breaching the gap
Bringing you crap like this since 1995
Built like a shit hitting the fan
Burning my bridges at both ends
Buttoning down the hatches
Casting assertions
Casting nasturtiums
Chastity begins at home
Cheap at half the price
Clutching at barrels
Cogito ego sum
Crossing the lexicon
Cutting the envelope
Cutting to the crap
Dead as a dormouse
Dishing out the beans
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Ecumenical with the truth
Euston, we have a problem
Faint heart butters no parsnips
Feeding the mouth that bites you
Fit as a butcher's fiddle
Flaking at the seams
Flogging a dead gift horse in the mouth
Fruity as a bat cake
Getting the short end of the stick
Giving up the goat
Going at it hammer and tongues
Going down with all hands blazing
Going for the jocular
Going off on a tandem
Going through a midwife crisis
Hanging on by the skin of my nose
Happy as a sandwich
He who pays the ferryman calls the tune
Hearing it from the gift horse's mouth
Hey, Mr Tangerine Man
Hiding my trumpet under a bushel
Hitting the snail on the head
Hitting you like the proverbial brick shit-house
Holding on by the skin of my pants
Honi soit qui malcontent
Hot as a pancake
Hung like Mussolini
Hunky with a capital 'C'
I could be sitting on a minefield here
I wandered lonely as a crowd
I've got a bone to grind with you
I've got an axe to pick with you
Ignoring the 800lb gorilla in the room
In the land of the blind, Elvis is king
Inexplicably linked
It ain't over till the fat bastard sings
It buggers belief
It squeaks volumes
It'll all end in cheers
It's a Trojan heel
It's a bit of a white albatross
It's carved in bronze
It's cast in stone
It's downhill sailing all the way
It's like LSD on acid
It's like Shrove Tuesday and Pancake Day rolled into one
It's like shooting craps in a barrel
It's like water off a duck's arse
It's my Achilles' horse
It's no skin off my teeth
It's not exactly brain science
It's not exactly rocket surgery
It's state of the Ark
It's the tip of the icecube
Its ghost is cooked
I've got an axe to pick with you!
I've got a bone to grind with you!
Jesus died to save arseholes
Keep your ear to the grindstone
Keep your foot on the wheel
Keep your nose to the ground
Keeping a stiff pecker up
Keeping my finger on the ball
La crème de la menthe
Last chance at the OK Corral
Leap years ahead of the opposition
Let sleeping logs die
Let your fingers do the talking
Like a bear on a hot tin roof
Like a cat with a sore arse
Like shit off a duck's back
Like two peas in a pot
Like water off a shovel
Lock, stock and sinker
Looking for a decent motto since 1995
Make hay while the iron's hot
Make like a leaf
Making a meal out of a molehill
Meanderthal Man
Milking a dead horse
Mind over natter
Moving along in fits and bounds
Nailing it on the head
Needs must where angels fear to tread
Needs must where the Devil Gate Drive
No holes barred
No two doubts about it
None of us is human
Not a dry seat in the house
Opening a hornets' nest
Opening up a whole can of beans
Or I'm a dutchman's uncle
Phasers on pun
Philately will get you nowhere
Pick of the weak
Pre-postmodernism at its most unprepossessing
Purveyors of arseholistic medicine
Putting you through the run of the mill
Reaping the whirlpool
Rearranging the deckchairs while Rome burns
Ripping the Velvet
Running a shite tip
San Andreas: it's not my fault
Schtum's the word
Scraping a draw from the bottom of the barrel
Scraping at straws
Scratching the tip of the iceberg
Selling like hens' teeth
Selling like mint cake
Shooting the horse after the stable door's bolted
Show me the monkey!
Skating on troubled waters
Smelling like hotcakes
Speaking purely pathetically
Spilling the dirt
Spreading like wild flowers
Standing on the shoulders of gnats
Stark barking nuts
Stirring up a can of worms
Strike while the sun shines
Suffering the swings and roundabouts of outrageous fortune
Take the money and pun
Taking to it like a horse to water
Tales of Derring-Don't
Teaching an old dog to suck eggs
Teaching grandma new tricks
Thank Kevin for little girls
The Origin of the Specious
The answer, my friend, is a candle in the wind
The chickens are coming home to roast
The dice are stacked against us
The full McCoy
The quality of mercy is not strange
The real Monty
The sound of two hands clapping
The whole is greater than some of its parts
The world is my lobster
The world is my teacup
There is no Plan A
Throwing a spanner in the wood-pile
Throwing my football out of the cot
Too clever by e/(cos(π)-sin(π/2))
Turning a blind cheek
Turning round the tankard
Turning the other eye
Unambiguous, in both senses of the word
Under the microscope's spotlight
Up at the edges; down in the middle
Up the Swanee without a paddle
Upping the auntie
Waiting till the cows come home to roost
Wake up and smell the toffee
We don't need no stinking badgers
When the shit hits the pan
Widdling away to expose the truth
Winding you up the wall
You can lead a fish to water…