Power vacuum

Power vacuumOn a more positive note, with Cameron abandoning ship, Labour self-imploding, the Lib-Dems (remember them?) being led by a god-botherer named Tim, the Scotch about to take the high road, Screaming Lord Sutch long dead, and the English electorate having taken total leave of its senses, could now be the perfect time for the Gruts Party to rise from the shadows to save a grateful nation?

Let's face it, we would have massive popular appeal (cat-owners excepted, obviously). I appreciate we don't actually have any policies at the moment, but we could take a leaf out of the Brexit campaign's book and make up random, undeliverable promises as we go along. Who knows, with any luck, we might even be able to rope in former Italian Prime Ministerial nominee Prof. Alice Roberts. She'd be handy in a political fist-fight.

Clearly, we'd need a catchy tagline, but we've got that well and truly covered. Or maybe we should come up with something more jingoistic:

PUTTING THE GRUTS BACK INTO BRITAIN: THE HOLE IS GREATER THAN WHAT'S LEFT OF ITS PARTS.
Union flag

Please feel free to leave your undeliverable manifesto pledges, voter-duping scare-stories, and campaign mottos in the comments.

We can do this.

Arseholes

Clueless, window-licking, credulous arseholes.
Repugnant, racist, Daily-Mail-reading arseholes.
Cretinous, xenophobic, bed-wetting arseholes.
Bigoted, jaundiced, flag-waving, arseholes.

Odious, small-minded, knuckle-dragging arseholes.
Despicable, unenlightened, vile, vile, arseholes.
Detestable, deluded, jingoistic arseholes.
Disgusting, intolerant, nationalistic arseholes.

Narrow-minded, hateful, hate-filled arseholes.
Lager-swilling, spittle-drooling, Land-of-Hope-and-Glorifying arseholes.
Slack-jawed, fractious, brown-shirted arseholes.
Empire-yearning, yester-yearing, Union-Jack-draped arseholes.

Pathetic, amoral, stupid, stupid, arseholes.
Senseless, chauvinistic, remember-Agincourting arseholes.
Twisted, fuck-witted, quarter-brained arseholes.
Cloddish, brutish, British arseholes.

Who are you going to blame now?

 

14% less rain under Brexit

Today is the June solstice, officially marking the first day of summer in the northern hemisphere. Predictably, here in the UK, it's raining.

Not to worry: the Brexit campaign assures us there will be 14% less rain if we leave the EU. Summers will be 17% longer. Furthermore, the force of gravity will be reduced by 3%, meaning any rain that does fall on England's green and pleasant land will fall more softly—just like it did during the Battle of Britain. Better summers for hard-working British families!

Brexit aren't against rain, you understand. Oh no. But enough is enough. Our water-management systems can't cope with all this foreign precipitation. Once we've left the EU, pesky foreign weather-fronts will be prevented from moving into British airspace. British reservoirs for British water!

Don't believe a word of the scaremongering R[em]AIN campaign and their so-called meteorological experts. We are Great Britain.

Union flag

Long may we rain!

Shovels of quality and strength

Carters logoWith 275 years of manufacturing experience, Richard Carter Ltd has become synonymous with shovels of quality and strength, whilst offering customers value for money. 'The Carter Shovel' is available in a veriety [sic] of styles and sizes, finished with handles which complement the tool, made from wood, metal, fibreglass or plastic.

Compare and contrast

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Glory Days

Boss cake

Mentalini

It has been brought to my attention that I used non-politically-correct language yesterday when, in describing Benito Mussolini's attempts at smiling, I said that he ‘ended up looking totally mental’. I apologise if my words caused offence.

In my defence, however, I would ask you to examine this photograph of Il Duce trying to smile:

Mentalinini

I rest my case.