…when the most compelling thing to be found on television is a live video-feed of a patch of mud at the bottom of a pond:
Clarkson paraphrases ‘I have been a monumental bell-end’ for the benefit of Radio 2 listeners:
Guardian: How to make the perfect mango lassi
I know exactly what you're thinking: where can I find a photograph of a young kid nonchalantly smoking a fag next to a large cockerel?
My friend, your search is at an end:
Jen and I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy on Blu-ray over the weekend. Half-way into The Fellowship of the Ring, I thought of a pretty crap joke, viz:
Q: What's the main cause of death for elves?
A: Blowing out the candles on their birthday cakes.
…Elves are immortal, you see. Thousands of candles. Over-exhaustion.
Please yourself. I told you it was a crap joke. But I didn't let that put me off trying to tell it to Jen…
Me: Do you know what the main cause of death is for elves?
Damn! That is so much better than my joke.
Later, as the Fellowship of the Ring were being attacked by thousands of goblins in the Mines of Moria, Jen wondered what in Middle Earth they all ate.
Orc luncheon meat, I suggested.
Still not as good as pixie-matosis, though. Dammit!
Just for the record, this is not me:
Trying to transplant and create a mini-London in the north is not the answer.
—Richard Carter, Yorkshire First Party
Long-term, long-memoried Gruts readers might recall that, four years ago, I devised a list of new music genres to challenge the likes of hip-op and dub-step. If they have been paying particularly close attention, the same readers might even recall that, since then, under my DJ name of the Grutsmeister, I have occasionally released new ambient pap tracks for their enjoyment and entertainment. These tracks are available on SoundCloud.
Last week, SoundCloud asked me to complete an online questionnaire about the music I'm publishing on their service. Here is a screen shot of one of the questions:
It looks as if ambient pap is about to go mainstream.