As is explained elsewhere, a rare copy of Fanny Cradock's rip-roaring roller coaster of a novel, The Lormes of Castle Rising came into my possession. I held a limerick competition amongst the Gruts readership to give it away.
After much deliberation by the official judge (OK, she chose one at random, because she didn't think any of the entries were worthy of winning on merit), a winner was chosen. Justin's winning entry went as follows:
Fanny treated her husband like dirt.
His feelings she'd constantly hurt.
So he took his old rifle,
And filled it with trifle,
And blew her head off with dessert.
Congratulations, Justin, that was rubbish. Your top prize, an almost pristine copy of Fanny Cradock's rip-roaring roller coaster of a novel, The Lormes of Castle Rising, is in the post.
There were eight other entries (two of them by the Justin—talk about hedging one's bets!), which were equally rubbish, but I record them here for posterity:
The Castle Rising Lormes
Came over with the Norm's
Or so this book,
Here, take a look
By Fanny Cradock informs.
—by Chris Pitcher, FCD
Mrs Cradock's a hero of Granny's
And each Shrove Tuesday her pan is
buttered on hot
And the tips that she got
mean her pancakes look just like Fanny's.
—by Chris Pitcher, FCD
Having decided somewhat ad hoc
To limerick about Fanny Cradock
I've been incredibly unwise
To have mistaken her for Hi-de-Hi's
Female lead, Ruth Madoc
—by Leo Donnelly
Today if I just had one wish
As to what I would have on my dish
A nice piece of haddock
From the kitchen of Craddock
As in Fanny… still smelling of fish!
—by Tony Hollick
[Disqualified in accordance with competition rule 11 - see below.]
Cradock, a cook bold and canny,
Denied being gay or a tranny.
When asked why she still is,
No longer called Phyllis,
Said, "I'd rather get my mouth round Fanny."
John C lead a strange, bullied life,
Yes, bullied by Fanny his wife.
When asked how he stuck her,
Said, "'cause she lets me fuck her,
Whilst tickling my arse with a chive."
As her gyno inspected the fanny
Of a certain, bespectacled granny,
"Oh, come, don't be sad, Doc,"
Quoth Mrs. Cradock,
"Only you'll know that I am a tranny!"
—by Jeaux Bleaux (yeah, right!)
There once was a Cradock named 'Fanny'
Kept haddock wedged tight in her cranny
The swish of their tails
And their bristling scales
Brought delight that was rare and uncanny.
[Disqualified on account of arriving several weeks after the competition had closed, you loser.]
Overall score: 3/10, must try harder.
For the record, the competition rules were as follows:
- No purchase necessary. To enter the competition, simply submit your limerick via the form below.
- You can submit as many entries as you like.
- The judge's decision is final. No correspondence will be entered into regarding the results of the competition.
- Should the prize become unavailable for whatever reason (through theft, fire, flood, etc.), I reserve the right to replace it with a prize of similar value (50 pence).
- You need to submit your email address with your entry. This will not be divulged to anyone or anything else, and will only be used in connection with this competition. I hate spamming sons of filth as much as everyone else.
- Competition entries must be your own original work.
- Limericks which do not have anything to do with Fanny Cradock will be disqualified, but the judge will allow a lot of artistic leeway.
- You will retain copyright of your limerick(s), but, in submitting an entry, you grant me permission to publish the limerick, along with your name, on the Gruts website—even if it doesn't win.
- Any limericks which do not adhere to the standard limerick rhyme scheme (AABBA—got that, Mick?) will be disqualified…
- although highly contrived rhymes are allowed (and, indeed, encouraged).
- entries spelling Cradock with two d's will be immediately disqualified.
- unimaginative rhymes involving the word haddock will not necessarily be penalised.
- American readers please note, your slang word fanny has a different meaning to the British slang word fanny. Confusing the two can lead to all sorts of Carry-On-Filmesque hilarity.
- the deadline for submissions will be some arbitrary date after 30th June, 2005.