New York Times: Evolution on the Meat-Sex Exchange (28-Aug-03)
…[Author of the dodgy book under review] Dr. Shlain should know that the feminist revolution reached into anthropology more than 30 years ago and no one now doubts that women were big-time players in evolution. To suggest that women should have their own genus name, Gyno sapiens, seems not only dated, but a bit silly

…And classically inconsistent: the Linnean (scientific) classification, Homo sapiens (literally wise/thinking man) takes its root from the Latin word for (hu)man, homo, whereas the root Gyno is from the ancient Greek word for woman. By rights, therefore, Shlain should have concocted his fake Linnean classification for thinking woman using the Latin word for woman, viz Femina sapiens (or maybe even Femina sapienta—my Latin isn’t what it used to be).

Alternatively, given it is often claimed that wisdom comes with age, he could have used the Latin word for old woman, but I suppose, if he suggested the name Anus sapiens, people would think he was being a smart-arse.

Conversation over coffee with my friend, a local farmer, this morning:

BBC: Photo shows elderly Elvis
An image of Elvis Presley as he might look today has been created by computer experts at a Scottish university.

Just one question:

Why?

Let’s face it, considering he died in 1977, whatever Elvis looks like now, it’s going to be pretty gross.

BBC: Quaker parrots invade Barcelona
A plague of Quaker parrots is causing alarm in the Spanish city Barcelona… The Quaker parrot is an aggressive bird and grows to an intimidating 30 centimetres (12 inches) plus in height.

Oooooooooh! Like I’m really scared… That’s an intimidating—how should I put it?—pigeon-sized 12 inches! I’m almost literally quaking in my shoes!

…Mind you, pigeons can be pretty scary.

Customer in pub: Can I have half a pint of cider and a glass of Coke please?

Landlord: No problem.

[Landlord pours cider and places glass in front of customer.]

Customer: Which one’s that?

BBC: Irish minister links incense to cancer
An Irish Government minister has warned that burning incense in churches could be harmful to the altar boys and girls who help Roman Catholic priests celebrate mass.

Apparently it’s OK to try to indoctrinate these children with ridiculous ritualistic mumbo-jumbo, but letting them breathe in fumes at the same time is seen as detrimental to their wellbeing.

Carolyn says she’s discovered that her right nostril is allergic to alcohol. Do you think I should tell her she’s not supposed to drink it that way?

BBC: Five second pint-puller launched (16-Aug-03)
Waiting a long time to be served at the bar could soon be a thing of the past thanks to a new device which can pour pints in just five seconds… The Publican newspaper said Coors Brewers had teamed up with dispensing specialists, IMI Cornelius, to trial the new system in outlets for their Carling brand.

Coors, I might have guessed. Those Americans really don’t have a clue about beer (apart from Madonna, of course).

BBC: Dictator Idi Amin dies

It would appear that, two days before he died, Mr Amin was feeling rather peckish:

BBC: Idi Amin seeks kidney donor (14-Aug-03)

Wired News: DOJ Pushes Stiffer Porn Law (13-Aug-03)

Evidently, the US Department of Justice thinks most porn is too flaccid.

I expect they’ll come across some stiff opposition.

BBC: UK lags behind on sun cream use (06-Aug-03)
…[A] report found that the average person in the UK bought 70ml of sun cream last year. This lagged behind other countries such as Switzerland, the USA, France, Finland, Norway, Greece and Israel.

Erm, in other words, we lag behind notoriously sunny and/or mountainous countries. Truly astonishing! Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us we spend more on alcohol per capita than Moslem countries.

Ananova: Woman pays £35,000 to kiss Sharon Stone (12-Aug-03)
A woman in the US has paid £35,000 at an auction to kiss Sharon Stone.

Incredible. If this ridiculously rich woman is prepared to pay all that money to snog with another woman, how much more do you think she’d pay to snog with a real-life, red-blooded, 100%, enigmatic and ruggedly handsome man? Heck, I’d even throw in a smouldering look free-of-charge!

Time to pucker up, methinks.

A female friend (who had better remain nameless) complained to me yesterday that nobody ever gives her the same smouldering looks that some chinless romantic type gives Bridget Jones in the film Bridget Jones’s Diary.

Always happy to brighten a friend’s day, I decided that, the next time I meet my friend, I will greet her with the most smouldering look I can muster. To this end, I spent much of yesterday evening practicing in the bathroom mirror.

What can I say? I hate to let down a friend and everything, but smouldering just isn’t my look at all: I come across as somewhere between annoyed and mildly perplexed. From now on I’m going to stick to what I’m best at: enigmatic and ruggedly handsome.

On the whole, I’d give today a 6 out of 10.

All things considered, hardly glorious.

BBC: Nations row over Mother Teresa
…When Mother Teresa was born in Skopje in 1910, neither Macedonia or Albania existed. The streets of the modern capital, Skopje, were part of the Ottoman Empire. But now that the world’s most famous nun is approaching sainthood an unseemly row has broken out over her identity.

I’d have thought Mother Teresa’s true identity was obvious:

Hebden Bridge Times: Thirty month ban for drink driver
A Hebden Bridge woman who twice hit a car while trying to turn a corner was banned from driving for 30 months… Ms Maggie Wood for [defendant] Flory said she “deeply regretted” the incident and had picknicked.

BBC: ‘More IVF’ on the NHS
Couples could be offered IVF treatment on the NHS, it has been reported. Infertile women under 40 will be offered up to six cycles of IVF at a potential cost of £15,000 a patient, according to the Daily Mail.

Bloody madness. There are genuinely ill people waiting for hip replacements, heart surgery, and cancer treatment; there are people paying for prescriptions for real ailments (major and minor); there are people who can’t find a local NHS dentist; and we’re going to spend £15,000 a shot (or, rather, half-dozen shots), trying to help perfectly healthy, infertile couples to conceive. Bonkers.

I’m sorry, but when it comes to this subject, my usual liberal views go straight out the window. The ability to bear children is not a human right, and being unable to do so is not an illness.

BBC: HRT ‘doubles breast cancer risk’
Taking certain types of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) can double the risk of developing breast cancer, says a study of more than a million women.

This is an irresponsible, scaremongering headline (whether they use inverted commas or not). Saying that a risk is doubled doesn’t say anything about how much risk there actually is. If I buy two lottery tickets instead of one tomorrow, I double my chances of winning the jackpot, but the odds against it are still around eight-million to one.

BBC: Penis is a competitive beast
[A] team from the State University of New York believe the thrust of the penis during sex may help to clear a woman’s reproductive system of a previous lover’s semen.

Eeeew! We’re entering into serious sicko territory here:

They tested their theory in experiments using latex phalluses, an artificial vagina and a mixture of starch and water.

These people are quite clearly bonkers (ahem). I wonder what they write in their CVs.

“Can I have two of those buffalo mozzarellas, please?”
“Have you got a number?”
“Have I got a what?”
“A number.”
“What sort of number?”
“A number from that roll over there, to show it’s your turn to be served.”
“I’m the only person here.”
“It’s just some of the other customers might get upset if I serve you and you haven’t got a number and they have.”
“There aren’t any other customers.”
“I know, but if some came along…”
“Well, they’d just have to wait because I was here first, wouldn’t they?”
“…Mozzarella, was it?”