Moderation required

OK, now I'm totally confused:

BBC: Cup of tea may help boost memory
Drinking regular cups of tea could help improve your memory, research suggests. A team from Newcastle University found green and black tea inhibited the activity of key enzymes in the brain associated with memory. The researchers hope their findings, published in Phytotherapy Research, may lead to the development of a new treatment for Alzheimer's Disease.

What on Earth is going on? I thought tea was supposed to increase my chances of getting Altzheimer's Disease, not help me fight it. I distinctly remember them saying so a couple of years ago (about the same time they were harping on about mercury in my dental fillings, and fluoride in my tap water). Something to do with aluminium, if memory serves. Yes, that's right, it was aluminium from my kettle that was going to make me go senile. I remember thinking, why are they picking on tea, when I also use my kettle to make coffee? But apparently some tea already had aluminium in it, making it a far greater threat to my mind than other hot beverages.

But now tea is good for you, apparently. I reckon these scientists have been drinking a bit too much of the stuff (or maybe not enough, according to which scientist you choose to listen to).

It's like potatoes. Remember when potatoes were an absolute no-no? I certainly do. And the people who said so weren't just talking about chips; they meant potatoes in any form. Full of nasty carbohydrates that would make you go fat, you see… But now potatoes are good for us, and everyone is going on high-carb' diets to lose weight!

And let's not forget the alcohol. Alcohol is bad for us, right? But now they're telling us beer and red wine (and whisky, I hope) are actually quite good for us 'in moderation' (whatever the hell that means). Which, come to think of it, is exactly what my grandmother used to tell me: "Everything in moderation, Derek!" she used to say, as she poured herself another sweet sherry.

Mind you, Grandma also used to tell me that eating toast crusts would make my hair grow curly (even though I didn't particularly want to have curly hair). She also warned me that, if I carried on pulling that face, and the wind changed direction, it would stick like that. Which just goes to show that, when it comes to scientific matters, Grandmas are not always the most reliable pundits.

And what about masturbation? Admittedly, Grandma never broached that particular subject, but others used to say it would make you go blind and send your soul spiralling into the fiery furnace. But now so-called experts claim it protects you against cancer.

They'll be telling us cigarettes are bad for us next.


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