Pluto's Republic

Talking of Miss Universe, it's just occurred to me, WHAT THE HELL ARE DOG SHOWS ALL ABOUT THEN?

Don't get me wrong, dogs are fantastic—man's best friend, and all that (and so much better than bloody cats)—but what sort of person enters their pet in a dog show?

OK, I can just about see the point of entering them in obedience competitions or sheepdog trails—testing the dog's skills against those of their peers—but what sort of nutter enters Fido in a bloody beauty contest?

But forget about the owners; what sort of weirdo actually judges dog beauty contests? What sort of DERANGED LUNATIC marches up and down a line of TOTALLY IDENTICAL dogs, feels each of them up a bit, then decides that one particular basset hound most closely resembles some mythical Platonic Form of basset-houndedness? These guys are in serious need of help.

Then, at the end of the show, to top it all, they line up a bunch of TOTALLY DIFFERENT BREEDS of dog and somehow decide that this bloke's bloody poodle is better-looking than this old dear's chow and this kid's dalmatian. HOW THE HELL DO THEY DO THAT THEN?

It's like if I asked you, "Which do you prefer: cream cakes, Radiohead, entropy, or the colour blue?" IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY BLOODY SENSE! YOU'RE NOT COMPARING LIKE WITH LIKE!

But forget about the dog show judges; what sort of TOTAL LOSER sits in the bloody audience at dog shows? What sort of person actually pays money to go and watch some weirdo feel up a bunch of dogs and then say poodles are better than spaniels?

Totally bloody bonkers!

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By Richard Carter

A fat, bearded chap with a Charles Darwin fixation.

3 comments

  1. dog's are fantastic

    If you're going to be pedantic about question marks and "As such," you ought to eschew using apostrophes to form plural nouns.

  2. How the hell did I manage that? I'm a total pedant when it comes to apostrophes too. I'm correcting that immediately, thanks.

    How embarrassing!

  3. As far as I can see, the only reason for dog shows is to give frustrated old spinsters a chance to lift a dog's tail & stare at its bollocks without getting arrested. Also...remember, the crux of the (dog) biscuit is the apostrophe. frank zappa wrote about this extensively. (listen to diry love, the poodle lecture, evelyn a modified dog etc) a bit of conceptual continuity there! the poodle bites...hotcha!!!

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