Ten things I can't do any more

  1. hold a pencil between my top lip and my nose (the beard put an end to that—facial hair is far more slippery than skin)
  2. hop spectacularly fast (ever since I broke my right ankle)
  3. run 100m in under twelve seconds (ever since I discovered real ale)
  4. remember the name of that girl everyone in the Durham University physics department fancied (including the women)
  5. play a mean game of darts
  6. perform complex integrations
  7. ride a bicycle without using my hands
  8. recite the entire story of Ferdinand the Bull by heart
  9. beat a computer at chess
  10. read very small print in poor lighting conditions

Richard Carter

A fat, bearded chap with a Charles Darwin fixation.


  1. I can offer help with nos. 2 & 3:-

    2. Hop on the other foot (see, you didn't think of that did you?)

    3. Give up beer - it's bad for you. It can turn you into a woman. After a given quantity you start to talk bollocks and can't drive.

  2. I came up with a few of my own:-

    1. I can no longer safely fart the rhythm track to The Blimp

    2. or cut my toe nails without blacking out

    3. or break the 30mph speed limit on my bicycle (even with the windbehind me)

    4. or stand up without sounding like somebody standing on a box of cream crackers

    5. or swim a length of the pool under water

    6. or shock people when I tell them I am a grandfather

    7. or drink a pint of real ale without throwing up.

    Come to think of it, I never could (horrid muck)

    8. or comb my hair without clogging the comb

    9. orlook coolbehind a pair of mirror lense glasses

    10. or type rubbish like this without continually taking off my glasses & rubbing my eyes

  3. ...but I can still recite Orange Claw Hammer without getting it wrong (which is more than Don ever could!)

  4. How DO we stop these accented As from appearing in our comments?

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