You should see Fitz's latest YouTube video:
For other hilarious YouTube, leg-related musical frivolity, see Ivor Cutler's Pickle Your Knees.
[P]rior to the nineteen-twenties, history was not even aware of the non-existence of ley lines as they had yet to be identified and named as such
Yes, Fitz (the tosser) is back with his freshly relaunched blog, Fitzroy's Red Lion Corner…. His early posts include the one cited above about ley lines (which contains some startling revelations about the unremarkable alignments of Beaverbrooks stores in South East England), and some links to some truly remarkable videos of his own making.
In the unlikely event that you have nothing better to do, why not go over there and taunt him?
While I was trying to brush up on my technique in the bathroom mirror the other day, it suddenly dawned on me that I can only do an Elvis snarl on the right-hand side. Or should that be right-lip side? If I try to do an Elvis snarl on the left-lip side, it looks like I'm having a stroke.
I wonder if it's genetic which side you do an Elvis snarl on.
Interestingly, I am right-handed and Stense is left-handed, but we both snarl to the right. I haven't asked Stense if she can snarl to the left as well, but I did ask Fitz. It turns out Fitz used to practise his Elvis snarls in the mirror too, and he's the same as me: right-handed, and can only snarl to the right.
Admit it, you're testing your own Elvis snarl right now, aren't you? Fascinating, isn't it?
Jen, on the other lip, can snarl either way. Jen is also right-handed, but she doesn't have any earlobes. Whether you have earlobes or not is definitely genetic: I read it in a magazine. None of Jen's family has earlobes.
Jen, Fitz and I can all curl our tongues, which is also genetic: we can stick out our tongues and curl the sides in to make a tube. Stense, however, cannot curl her tongue to make a tube. She has recessive genes. Here is a photo of Stense wearing her recessive genes. Sorry, I mean jeans—different thing entirely (but still well worth a look).
Jen and Stense are both women. Fitz and I are both men. A person's sex is pretty much genetically determined. So is their right- or left-handedness.
A study reported in New Scientist this week indicates that musical ability is not genetically determined: it's all about hard graft and practice, apparently. I wonder if Elvis-snarls are down to hard graft and practice too. I doubt it, because Fitz says he has tried and tried to snarl to the left—and so have I—but Jen could do it straight away without any practice at all. I reckon it must be linked to her earlobes. The ones she hasn't got, I mean.
Fitz is an extremely talented musician—and so are Stense and her sister—but I couldn't play a musical instrument to save my life (no matter how hard I practised). Jen used to play the cornet, but I don't think she had any natural flair for it—not even with her ambidextrous lips. Elvis Presley was a good singer, but only a mediocre guitar-player. I think I saw him playing the bongos once, poorly.
Stense does have earlobes, though.
How about you?
We hadn't seen each other since the unnecessary and draconian smoking ban. Sadly, Fitz had to spend most of the evening standing outside the pub in the rain smoking roll-ups. This despite the fact that every single one of the pub's other customers that evening (i.e. yours truly) had no objection whatsoever to his illegal, evil emissions.
Finally, the penny dropped:
Fitz: I think it must be my round.
Me: In that case, I'll just have a pint.
Fitz: Are you sure I can't persuade you to have a half?
Compare and contrast:
Guardian Weekend: LettersI was inspired by Matthew Fort to forgo my shopping and instead root through cupboard and fridge for "hidden treasures" (Recipes, August 5). Imagine my dismay on finding myself clean out of chard, pecorino and duck eggs. Some swine must have also polished off the left-over rabbit stew together with the gooseberry and elderflower purée. Damn. Does Matthew Fort have any creative uses for sardines, Ryvita and frozen peas?Nigel Longhurst