Give us this day our daily beard.—J H Christ, The Lord’s Prayer
He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man.—William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing
As a genuine, 100%, red-blooded male, I naturally sport a magnificent beard. In my hero Charles Darwin's day, beards were very much the in thing. Sadly, beards seem to be in something of a decline these days, with ever-increasing numbers of men going through the daily self-mutilation ritual that is shaving.
To make matters worse, us beardies suffer persecution which would be unacceptable if it were applied to any other minority group.
The most prevalent example of such institutionalised pogonophobia is in the workplace: Maggie Thatcher and Hitler wouldn't allow beardies in their cabinets, and Disney, McDonald's and Bill Gates won't employ us either.
What is it with these people? Do they think us beardies are untrustworthy, or unhygienic, or something? A quick glance at the following table should be enough to convince anyone that beardies should be running society; not persecuted by it:
|The Great Unshaven||Beardless Wonders|
|Charles Darwin||Dame Margaret Hilda Thatcher|
|William Shakespeare||Jeffrey Archer|
|Karl Marx||Adolf Hitler|
|Uncle Remus||Walt Disney|
|Santa Claus||Ronald McDonald|
Yes, I know what you're going to say: What about Rasputin; the Yorkshire Ripper; Osama bin Laden? Believe me, my friends, beneath every one of those apparently magnificent beards was a stark naked chin screaming to get out.