A Beard For All Seasons

Give us this day our daily beard
   —J H Christ

He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man.
   —William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing

As a genuine, 100%, red-blooded male, I naturally sport a magnificent beard. In my hero Charles Darwin's day, beards were very much the in thing. Sadly, beards seem to be in something of a decline these days, with ever-increasing numbers of men going through the daily self-mutilation ritual that is shaving.

To make matters worse, us beardies suffer persecution which would be unacceptable if it were applied to any other minority group.

The most prevalent example of such institutionalised pogonophobia is in the workplace: Maggie Thatcher and Hitler wouldn't allow beardies in their cabinets, and Disney, McDonald's and Bill Gates won't employ us either.

What is it with these people? Do they think us beardies are untrustworthy, or unhygienic, or something? A quick glance at the following table should be enough to convince anyone that beardies should be running society; not persecuted by it:

The Great Unshaven     Beardless Wonders
Charles Darwin Dame Margaret Hilda Thatcher
William Shakespeare Jeffrey Archer
Karl Marx Adolf Hitler
Uncle Remus Walt Disney
Santa Claus Ronald McDonald
Jesus Christ Satan
God Bill Gates

Yes, I know what you're going to say: What about Rasputin; the Yorkshire Ripper; Osama bin Laden? Believe me, my friends, beneath every one of those apparently magnificent beards was a stark naked chin screaming to get out.

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