No more Mr Nice Guy

Genesis 6:

And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.

Say what? Whoa, hang on a second there, LORD! Slight over-reaction, don't You think? OK, so maybe us men have been a bit naughty, but what have the beasts, and the creeping things, and the fowls of the air ever done to you? You're omnipotent and omniscient, for Your sake! It seems to me You could easily resolve this situation with a little creative problem-solving and a couple of Your "Let there be"s. It took You almost a week to make all that stuff; it'd be a real shame to obliterate it, just because it doesn't quite live up to Your expectations. Talk about sledgehammers and nuts!

…And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.

And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.

Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch.

A boat? You want me to build a boat? You're taking the piss, right? In Your infinite wisdom, that's the most practical solution You can come up with: put everything worth saving on a boat, and drown the rest. With all due respect, are You totally fucking nuts?

…or something like that.

The above account of the end of version 1.0 of life on earth is told in an anthology of historical fiction known as The Bible. It's an international best-seller. In fact, it is the international best-seller, outselling even The da Vinci Code. And, just like The da Vinci Code, many people believe it to contain more than a grain of truth—even the really weird shit about making women out of ribs, and boats big enough to hold live specimens of every species on earth (except the fish, obviously).

I wouldn't mind if these Bible-literalist saddoes kept their silly ideas to themselves, I really wouldn't, but that's not their style, I'm afraid:

Mark 16:15: And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

They're only following orders, you see—although I hope even they would balk at preaching to creatures.

Unfortunately, in recent years, these nutters have grown more and more militant. They've started claiming that their (as opposed to any other) creation myth should be treated as just as valid as the scientific explanation of how we got here. In some parts of the world—parts that really should know better—it has even got to the stage where concerned parents have had to go to court to protect the teaching of real science in their children's classrooms.

Now I'm no god or anything silly like that, but it seems to me that, with idiots like these prancing around the planet, version 1.1 of life on earth is heading down the pan as well. So before the LORD goes into a tizzy and takes it into His head to destroy us all again, why don't we try to sort it out for ourselves this time?

It's time these ridiculous people learnt the error of their ways.

I have previously gone on record as saying that I won't get into debates with people who believe in the literal truth of the Book of Genesis—to do so would be to credit them as capable of rational argument—but that doesn't mean I can't fight the good fight with all my might. So, from now on, when it comes to creationists, religious fundamentalists and their ilk waging war against science, it's no to polite debate, it's no to respecting other people's viewpoints, and it's no more Mister Nice Guy! From now on, I'm going to use the most sophisticated weapon in my armoury:

From now on, I'm taking the piss!

Richard Carter

A fat, bearded chap with a Charles Darwin fixation.


  1. Notes from a Yachtmaster Examiner.

    Mr Noahs yachtmaster exam lasted rather longer than the expected two days, but the hundred and fifty days I spent on his yacht Ark gave me ample opportunity to watch the candidate and assess his seamanship. The lack of an initial safety brief and his insistence in bringing two kinds of every animal aboard were worrying enough, but his ignoring the shipping forecast gives me cause for concern.

    Surely the windows of heaven opening, soon would warn even most impetuous day-skipper to stay in port, but he would sail. Forty days and forty nights of rain provided plenty of opportunity for blind navigation practise, but the waters had prevailed and increased so greatly upon the earth that the tide tables were out by fifteen cubits.

    His pilotage was shocking, since on the seventeenth day of the seventh month Noah ran us firmly aground on Mount Ararat, the only dry land for miles around. He then refused to make a VHF call to the coastguard, preferring instead to send first a raven, then a dove. He furthermore insisted that a rainbow was a clear water mark.

    For these reasons I have declined to pass Mr Noah. I understand that he has since become the first tiller of the land and hope that in future that is the only tiller he touches.

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