All things bright and beautiful

Times: In the doghouse, the pensioner told to remove 'offensive' sign

For 32 years it prompted little more than a wry smile. But now a pensioner who has a sign on her garden gate warning Jehovah's Witnesses that their presence could result in them being eaten by dogs has been ordered to take it down.

Hampshire police received a complaint that the notice outside Jean Grove's cottage, which reads "Our dogs are fed on Jehovah's Witnesses", was "distressing, offensive and inappropriate".

Apparently, it's not seen as offensive and inappropriate to turn up uninvited at someone's door and preach total bollocks at them. The last time it happened to us, Jen dealt with the Witnesses magnificently: she strung them along for several minutes, until they started talking about how lovely God had made the world, with all the animals and flowers and stuff:

"Why do you lot always go on about animals?" asked Jen. "What about all the people living in poverty in Africa? Why doesn't God help them? Have they done something wrong?"

The Jehovah's Witnesses said something along the lines of the Lord moves in mysterious ways, but added, yes, basically, the Africans must have done something wrong.

"The poor are always with us," said Jen.

"Jesus said that!" chirped one of the Witnesses.

"I know he did, and he was bloody wrong!" said Jen, closing the door.

We never saw them again.

Richard Carter

A fat, bearded chap with a Charles Darwin fixation.


  1. A friend employs another tactic. If the peephole reveals suspected Jehovah's/Mormons/Betterware salesmen, he strips to his underwear - he favours pink briefs - answers the door, tells them he's a Buddhist and invites them in. He tells me there have been grazes and bruises in the rush to get out his garden gate.

  2. Due to an accident as a teenager, I have a bumpy bridgeon my nose. I just tell them I'm Jewish & nobody ever questions it, dispite havingfair hair. I'd be stuck if they ever challenged me to prove it!

  3. The biggestobstacle to jehovah's witnesses recruitment is that they keep shagging their own children!

  4. My best friend's father had an admirable tactic.

    He wouldinvite them in and ply them with teas, coffees etc and indulge in mutual bollocks-talking for as long as possible. He saw this as a sign of neighbourliness, as the longer he held them up, the less time to bother his friends and neighbours from unwanted interruptions. He managed to "imprison" themfor 4 and a half hours once.

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