A happy and bloody freezing new year to you all!

Our garden thermometer bottomed at -5°C last night. Freezing fog has covered all of the trees in hoar frost, and Hebden Bridge looks like bloody Narnia this morning. I've just fed the birds (fat balls and seed: bread isn't much good when it's this cold), and offered some very anxious brass monkeys a blanket. Time to put the kettle on and settle down with a good book.

Unless your kettle is powered by wind-generated electricity, that is. Not much of that today, huh? Nor yesterday. Not a breath of wind. The scores of silly turbines defiling the local hillsides are doing sod all in this weather.

It was the same when I climbed Moel Famau on Christmas Eve. Dozens of wind turbines doing sweet fuck all in the Beaufort Scale zero non-wind.

And that's when it dawned on me. Do you know who's really behind the reckless, ill-advised push for wind powerstations? Vegetarians, that's who.

Just think: twenty years from now, we've neglected to replace our wonderfuel nuclear powerstations, coal and gas are a no-no, and all we've got to cook our Christmas turkeys in is our wind-powered electric ovens. Then we get a Christmas like the one just gone, and all us meat eaters are eating raw turkey and dropping dead of salmonella.

Vegetarians, I tell you.

Richard Carter

A fat, bearded chap with a Charles Darwin fixation.


  1. I totally agree. They're a bloody nightmare these vegetarians, especially when out in a restaurant in normal company or worse still, cooking for them indoors when you are a normal person. They accidentally pass the smallest morsel of meat between their lips and you'd think they were going to puke in their plate.

    What's more their farts smell really, really bad, much worse than a normal person's fart.

    I know all this to be true. My best friend is a vegetarian but apart from that he's alright. His wife is one too and she gets really funny when I offer her a nice sausage. She doesn't know what she's missing I tell you.

    Happy New Year to Mr. Gruts, friends and loyal readers.

  2. A number of my friends are vegetarians too. Obviously, I won't embarrass them by naming them, but I feel I should point out that, if anything, people on all-meat Atkins diets have even worse-smelling farts than those of my vegetarian pals. Go figure, as the Americans say.

  3. Talking of not making points, I received the following in my email from today. I have reversed the two paragraphs for dramatic purposes.
    The pledge, created by Richard Carter, read: 'I will refuse to vote in the next UK general election if members of parliament make themselves exempt from the Freedom of Information Act but only if 10,000 other UK registered voters will do the same.'
    Unfortunately, the pledge to which you signed up did not meet its target in the required time. It required 10000 other UK registered voters, but achieved only 6.
    The thing is, I can't remember if they caved in after all, or did they really do it? Either way, as a pro nuclear veggie, I feel very proud to be part of such an impressive groundswell of opinion.
  4. I received the same e-mail.

    Mr C' - your grip on nation grows ever stronger. If 2009 is not the year you are made Emperor of the entire world then I shall not be very surprised. Or something.

    Happy New Year to all.

  5. It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent. It is the one most responsive to change.

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