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From the newspaper that brought you Cat Killer Virus Epidemic Alert and the all-time classic Dead Hen Found in Tripe Works Freezer comes:
Local dog in slimming finals
Sydney, a dog from Hebden Bridge is one of 13 hot contenders who (sic) pound-shedding prowess have merited them a place in the North East Hill's Pet slimmer of the Year regional final.
We were watching Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall (sic) on telly last night. He was gathering hazelnuts from what he described as a hazelnut tree. Call me old-fashioned, but didn't they used to be called hazels?
Jen then pointed out that, if Mr Fearnley-Whittingstall were being consistent, he would actually have been gathering hazelnut tree nuts—presumably from a hazelnut tree nut tree.
And so forth…
BBC: Bush's Middle East shift
In a major foreign policy speech in Washington, US President George W Bush has challenged the countries of the Middle East to adopt democracy.
Or they could always try the US electoral system.
Jerry Springer was interviewed on BBC Radio 4's arts programme, Front Row, this evening. He recounted how he had spent the first five years of his life in London, his Jewish parents' having fled to England from Hitler's Germany.
Fancy escaping the Nazis, living through the Blitz, then calling your son 'Jerry'.
BBC: Prince Charles denies 'ludicrous' claims
The Prince of Wales has denied allegations he was involved in an unspecified incident witnessed by a servant.
Yes indeed. And I should like to take this opportunity to deny that any unspecified incident ever took place between yours truly and antipodean pop chanteuse, Natalie Imbruglia, in a Jacuzzi in the Cayman Islands in April 2002.
That would be truly ludicrous.
Unfortunately.
BBC: Male sex hormone easily triggered (05-Nov-03)
Scientists have proved that even the most seemingly innocent chat with a woman can be enough to send male sex hormones soaring.
And they need experiments to tell us this? (Nice sneaky experiment, though.)
BBC: Plan 'will boost wind power' (05-Nov-03)
New [UK government] guidance to local councils will make it much more difficult for applications to build wind farms to be rejected.
Bastards. I know, why don't we cover all the hillsides in solar panels too? That way, we can get twice as much Mickey Mouse energy generation for the same amount of environmental vandalism.
Talking of wind power…
New Scientist: Fish farting may not just be hot air (05-Nov-03)
Biologists have linked a mysterious, underwater farting sound to bubbles coming out of a herring's anus.
Nope, they're wrong: the noises are coming from environmental planning spokespersons at the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister. But I can see why one might confuse the two.
BBC: Iraqi handover to be speeded up
The chief US administrator in Iraq has said he wants to accelerate the handover of authority to Iraqis.
I bet he bloody does.
Another 2003 prediction comes true:
Apparel Magazine: The Magic of Spring (01-Oct-03)
Contrasting the casual, uptown cool of the new shirts, a decidedly downtown-and-across-the-tracks kind of style also presented a directional force for spring. From grease monkeys and truck drivers to hog-riding hipsters and modern-day cowboys, designers paid homage to the simple life with short sleeve plaid shirts, 1x1 rib tanks, distressed denim and rugged, fraying edges.
A retrospective article, describing this year's clothing fashions. It would appear that fraying cloth ran and ran in 2003.
How does she do it?
Almost half? That's outragious! That's over 75%!