Gruts

Customer in pub: Can I have half a pint of cider and a glass of Coke please?

Landlord: No problem.

[Landlord pours cider and places glass in front of customer.]

Customer: Which one's that?

BBC: Irish minister links incense to cancer
An Irish Government minister has warned that burning incense in churches could be harmful to the altar boys and girls who help Roman Catholic priests celebrate mass.

Apparently it's OK to try to indoctrinate these children with ridiculous ritualistic mumbo-jumbo, but letting them breathe in fumes at the same time is seen as detrimental to their wellbeing.

Carolyn says she's discovered that her right nostril is allergic to alcohol. Do you think I should tell her she's not supposed to drink it that way?

BBC: Five second pint-puller launched (16-Aug-03)
Waiting a long time to be served at the bar could soon be a thing of the past thanks to a new device which can pour pints in just five seconds… The Publican newspaper said Coors Brewers had teamed up with dispensing specialists, IMI Cornelius, to trial the new system in outlets for their Carling brand.

Coors, I might have guessed. Those Americans really don't have a clue about beer (apart from Madonna, of course).

Wired News: DOJ Pushes Stiffer Porn Law (13-Aug-03)

Evidently, the US Department of Justice thinks most porn is too flaccid.

I expect they'll come across some stiff opposition.

BBC: UK lags behind on sun cream use (06-Aug-03)
…[A] report found that the average person in the UK bought 70ml of sun cream last year. This lagged behind other countries such as Switzerland, the USA, France, Finland, Norway, Greece and Israel.

Erm, in other words, we lag behind notoriously sunny and/or mountainous countries. Truly astonishing! Next thing you know, they'll be telling us we spend more on alcohol per capita than Moslem countries.

Ananova: Woman pays £35,000 to kiss Sharon Stone (12-Aug-03)
A woman in the US has paid £35,000 at an auction to kiss Sharon Stone.

Incredible. If this ridiculously rich woman is prepared to pay all that money to snog with another woman, how much more do you think she'd pay to snog with a real-life, red-blooded, 100%, enigmatic and ruggedly handsome man? Heck, I'd even throw in a smouldering look free-of-charge!

Time to pucker up, methinks.

A female friend (who had better remain nameless) complained to me yesterday that nobody ever gives her the same smouldering looks that some chinless romantic type gives Bridget Jones in the film Bridget Jones's Diary.

Always happy to brighten a friend's day, I decided that, the next time I meet my friend, I will greet her with the most smouldering look I can muster. To this end, I spent much of yesterday evening practicing in the bathroom mirror.

What can I say? I hate to let down a friend and everything, but smouldering just isn't my look at all: I come across as somewhere between annoyed and mildly perplexed. From now on I'm going to stick to what I'm best at: enigmatic and ruggedly handsome.

On the whole, I'd give today a 6 out of 10.

All things considered, hardly glorious.