No slur intended on either of the gentlemen concerned, but, is it just me, or do UK Foreign Minister, Jack Straw's spectacles bear an uncanny resemblance to those once worn by SS Reichsführer and Nazi war criminal, Heinrich Himmler?
Buying coal
Conversation with the local coal merchant:
"What sort of coal have you got?"
"We've some new stuff from Selby. They say it's all right, but the last lot they sent was really poor."
"Perhaps it was past its Selby date."
"…That was bad."
Barcelona (with the emphasis on the Bars)
Just back from five days in Barcelona. Great city, but it's a pity about all the graffiti.
It's nice to see that bars in Barcelona know their audience. Note the sudden change into English on the following receipt:
L'ARCTABERNA VASCA
MEIR-TETRO S.L. N.I.F:B-61.791.216RAMBLAS, 77 (BARCELONA)
11/03/2003 20:47 ****** *02*T001 CAJERO-2 MESA 59
2 CERV.JARRA 1/2L 4.36 8.72
SUBTOTAL 8.72BASE IMPONIBLE 8.72I.V.A. 0.61EFFECTIVO 9.33ENTREGADO 10.00 >>CAMBIO 0.67 <<
TIP NOT INCLUDED
(By the way, you won't tell any of my friends that I was drinking lager, will you?)
The Carter Manoeuvre
Today, BBC News published an interview with Henry Heimlich of lifesaving manoeuvre fame.
The interview got me thinking. It must be really cool to have an actual manoeuvre named after you. So I've gone ahead and invented a manoeuvre of my own, henceforth to be known as The Carter Manoeuvre.
The Carter Manoeuvre is used to recover from those embarrassing situations where you are walking along, quite happily minding your own business, and are suddenly startled by something that really shouldn't startle you quite so much. I am particularly adept at this manoeuvre following loud barks from dogs which are safely secured by ropes or confined behind fences. The manoeuvre is initiated in mid-air following your instinctive, adrenaline-induced leap away from the source of alarm. As your parabolic trajectory brings you back towards the ground, slam your leading foot down as hard as you can, then quickly slow your pace and resume walking nonchalantly in your original direction of travel, remarking, "Got it!"
Weather forecasting
Jen has this crackpot theory that it always snows in this neck of the woods on her friend's birthday. The theory might well be ludicrous, but it is at least capable of being falsified (i.e. it is possible to devise a test that could disprove the theory). According to the philosopher Karl Popper (1902-1994), this means that Jen's snow theory counts as a scientific theory. Indeed, it could be argued that it is more scientific than a typical Meteorological Office prediction of a 20% chance of snow (how could you ever test that one?). So Jen's weather forecast is in some ways far more scientific than that of the UK's official weather forecasting organisation, with all its Cray super-computers and satellite images - even though it is clearly complete and utter bollocks.
Today is Jen's friend's birthday.
It's snowing.
I need to get my ears tested
Conversation at work:
"I remember when I was on my sex-change course…"
"What did you just say?"
"I remember when I was on my exchange course…"
Undies
According to a passing visitor, gruts is Kiwi slang for underpants. Cool.
Precision surgery
Conversation with Carolyn while removing a splinter from her finger with a tiny pair of tweezers:
C: "Richard, why is your hand shaking like that?"
R: "Parkinson's."
Just for the record
Irish Mick just emailed me to point out that my last one to him had kisses at the end. Look, I was tired, and for some reason I signed off with the valediction I usually reserve for Stense. Sorry to have got your hopes up there, Mick.
Famous people lucky never to have met Rev. Spooner:
- Ursula Andres
- Nick Price (golfer)
- Jill Dando
- Friar Tuck
See also: Roonerspism