I just came up with a crap joke:
Q: Why do so many Americans wear T-shirts?
A: Because they have a constitutional right to bare arms.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Derek Bell
Guardian obituary: Derek Bell
Derek Bell, who has died aged 66 following minor surgery, was the harpist—and the only Ulsterman—with the Irish music group, the Chieftains. He was equally renowned as a classical performer.
A poetic tribute:
Derek Bell won't go to hell:
He played the harp far too well.
oops!
BBC: Father's surprise: call-girl daughter
An Israeli couple are preparing to divorce after the man summoned a prostitute to his hotel room only to discover she was his daughter.
…I won't tell mum if you don't.
Sound
BBC: Liverpool named top musical city
Liverpool has been named as Britain's top musical city in a new survey… The city controversially beat its North West rival Manchester - home to a plethora of influential bands - into second place.
Controversially!?! No contest, surely (even though, it has to be said, we are forever in Manchester's debt for The Fall).
Non Compost Mentis
Thought you might like to see my new compost containers. They were several weeks in the making, but I'm rather suited with them. All they need now is creosoting and something to use for a lid.
I have decided that I'm going to become a bit of a compost bore.
Postscript: I didn't creosote them in the end; I painted them an environmentally sound green. Apparently creosote isn't very nice for the creatures you want to encourage into your compost. Thanks for the tip, Litsl.
A blight for sore eyes
No, it's not a bucket full of maggots; it's my entire potato crop for 2002. That's 63 spuds in total, with the average size of a kidney bean.
Why such a poor crop? Slugs, my friend, slugs.
Of course, you realise, this means war.
Postscript [04-Oct-02]: They were delicious, by the way. (The potatoes, that is, not the slugs.)
Water babies
BBC: Water birth drowning risk
Babies born under water could be at risk of drowning and breathing difficulties, say researchers.
And people get paid for this?
Sports buff
Her Majesty was in the region yesterday to open the Commonwealth Games: individuals from 72 geographical entities (most of them places you've never heard of), competing for recognition as the greatest athlete in the erstwhile British Empire (excluding certain nations who are too stuffy to join the commonwealth - yes, I have you in mind, Ireland!). Hooray!
The thing I hate most about the Commonwealth (and Olympic) Games is the gymnastics. I mean, all that prancing about, waving ribbons, and spinning through hoops. That's not sport!
Distrust any so-called sport that:
- is only done by women,
- is done to music, or
- has points awarded for "artistic merit".
You know the sort of thing I'm talking about: synchronised swimming, netball, ice dancing, most gymnastics... all of them absolute shite.
Having said that, did you know that the word gymnasium comes from the ancient Greek, gunnazein, meaning naked exercise? Now that I'd be prepared to pay to see!
Royal Salute
So, anyway, I'm walking through Liverpool at lunchtime today, when I suddenly come across hundreds of people holding flags, clearly waiting for something... Shit! I'd forgotten the queen was in town. So I head off down James Street to escape the sycophantic mob.
Then I see it: the police car and the Bentley without number plates. I stare in disbelief as Her Majesty and Greek Phil drive past, waving at me (I am the only person on that particular stretch of pavement, so it can only be me they're waving at).
I'm a staunch anti-royalist; I have two seconds to make my mark. What to do? Raise a clenched fist and shout "Power to the people"? Turn my back in disgust? Show them the finger?
Yes, you've guessed it, I waved back (with what I hope was an ironic look on my face).
…Well, she's an old lady, and it's her golden jubilee year. She thought I was a loyal subject. What else could I do?