Talking of homeopathic bullshit (which, if you remember, I recently was):

iAfrica.com: Russian men seek sex salvation
…Impaza is one of a new generation of medicines using homeopathic doses of antibodies to control the behaviour of certain molecules in the body. It takes effect earlier in the erection process than Viagra, stimulating the production of a gas—nitrogen oxide—in the cells of the penis.

But the really frightening thing about this article is the opening paragraph: “Why is the lion the king of the animals? Because of his tufty tool. And what makes a man really a man? You know perfectly well.”

Just for the record, I do not now have, and never wish to possess, a tufty tool.

Text message from Carolyn:

Do u remember that beetroot, pickle and ice-cream diet that u made me go on – the one that gave u heart failure?

The really weird and frightening thing about this text message is that I honestly don’t have the foggiest idea what the hell Carolyn is going on about. Nothing new there then.

BBC: Pope presses EU on constitution
Pope John Paul II has urged the European Union to include a recognition of Europe’s Christian heritage in its first constitution, which is due to be signed next year.

Let’s see, Europe’s Christian heritage: the cruisades, the Spanish Inquisition, papal infallibility, book burnings, witch trials, millennium cults, the belief in miracles, the rhythm method, papal bulls, priests and nuns, Northern Ireland, Bosnia, the Thirty Years War, Inca gold, the Society of Jesus, the Vatican Secret Service, missionaries, kill them all—God will know his own, genuflection, transubstantiation, Puritanism, the poor are always with us, church fêtes…

Don’t quite see it myself.

BBC: Burgled pensioners ‘die early’
Pensioners who are burgled are far more likely to die earlier than others of a similar age, a Home Office study suggests. The Home Office research, seen by BBC News, shows [my emphasis] burglary has a greater impact on the elderly than previously believed.

Shame on you, BBC: you should know that a correlation doesn’t prove a causation. Yes, it’s possible that being burgled might lead to an earlier death, but isn’t a more plausible explanation that people who live in deprived areas are (a) more likely to die earlier, and (b) more likely to be burgled? The Home Office is creating an agenda, and the BBC isn’t being nearly sceptical enough.

BBC: Space impact ‘saved Christianity’ [23-Jun-03]
Did a meteor over central Italy in AD 312 change the course of Roman and Christian history? A team of geologists believes it has found the incoming space rock’s impact crater, and dating suggests its formation coincided with the celestial vision said to have converted a future Roman emperor to Christianity.

So, first they wiped out the dinosaurs, then they saved christianity… These meteors are a bloody menace. Someone should start a petition.

Please, for once in your sad, inadequate, gullible lives, listen, you stupid, naïve dupes—homeopathy doesn’t work; homeopathy can’t work because it’s pseudo-scientific bullshit. These charlatans are fobbing you off with snake oil and taking your money. It won’t make your kids any better. You are being irresponsible with their welfare, and if the government really cared as much as it claims to about children, the social services would break into your homes, take away your children, and give them to somebody at least vaguely in touch with reality.

I’m sorry if your children are ill, I really am, but stop pissing about and take them to a doctor.

BBC: Gay bishop ‘catastrophic move’
Evangelical and conservative Anglicans have described the appointment of a gay bishop as “catastrophic” for the Church of England.

Who’d have thought it? Evangelical and conservative Anglicans bashing the bishop together.

Apparently, the bishop was once a bit of a loose canon.

Text message from Carolyn:

Just noticed one of my bras hanging in an apple tree – slightly worrying!

To which there could be only one reply:

Are you sure it isn’t a hammock?

…OK, I admit it, my puerile sense of humour soon got the better of me, and I quickly fired off a second reply:

It will make a perfect home for a pair of great tits.

Who says satire is dead?

BBC: Blair defends ‘essential’ shake-up
Tony Blair has defended himself against Tory charges that he “ripped up the constitution in a matter of hours” in last week’s controversial cabinet reshuffle.

That would be the UK’s famously unwritten constitution that he’s ripped up.

True story: Carolyn and her three children got trapped inside a WWII German U-boat last weekend (U-534, to be precise). To those of you who know Carolyn, this will come as no great surprise. Getting trapped inside a U-boat is a very Carolynish thing to do.

BBC: Rembrandt victim of ‘botched ear piercing’ [12-Jun-03]
The artist Rembrandt may have been one of the earliest victims of a bungled attempt at ear piercing, according to a British surgeon.

I bet Vincent van Gogh used the same excuse.

Exactly two months ago, I discovered that I could freewheel my car from my house all the way into town—a distance of just under a mile.

Mile, schmile… This evening, on my way home from work, I discovered that I could freewheel my car all the way down the B6138 through Cragg Vale—that’s a magnificent 5.4 miles!

I tried the same stunt yesterday, but failed when I caught up with a learner driver who was all over the bloody road. I nearly didn’t make it today either: half-way down, some hat-wearing slowcoach in a beige Nissan Sunny pulled out in front of me and trundled agonisingly sensibly down the hill, hitting the brakes at the merest hint of a bend (of which there are many). I seriously considered trying to overtake him, but instead eased back on one of the steeper sections and let him pull away from me—which must have been something of a unique experience for him.

Menaces like that shouldn’t be allowed on our roads.

Postscript: The record is now 5.7 miles—I found a bit more road at either end. Next time I’m slaloming.

BBC: Berry sues over $2m mansion
Actress Halle Berry is suing the couple who sold her a $2m (£1.25m) mansion saying she was not told the site needed huge repairs.

Two million dollars for a house, and she couldn’t afford a surveyor’s report. It’s such a shame: they look like a really nice couple—as, indeed, do the people Ms Berry is suing.

BBC: Horse defeats men in £24,000 race [07-Jun-03]
Two legs have again lost out to four in one of Wales’ most peculiar race events. Hundreds of spectators turned out to see 378 runners try and beat their equine opponents in the annual Man v Horse Marathon in mid Wales… No man has ever beaten the leading horse in the 24 years the event has been held, and this year the £24,000 prize – which has accumulated over the years – again went unclaimed.

Bloody fix! Try a rope-climbing race next year, and see who wins then, you smarmy, buck-toothed, manure generators (and your horses).

Cheryl Ladd

I was sitting in a restaurant in Derbyshire with a colleague last night. I had already repositioned all the radiators and was searching for a network connection under the tablecloth, when the actress Cheryl Ladd, of 1970/80s Charlie’s Angels fame, entered the restaurant with a small entourage and sat at the table next to us.

“That’s Cheryl Ladd,” I hissed to my colleage. “…of Charlie’s Angels fame,” I added, just in case he was wondering.

My colleague couldn’t hear what I was hissing and asked me to speak up.

“That’s Cheryl Ladd out of Charlie’s Angels,” I hissed, slightly louder. “She was my heart-throb when I was younger. I used to have posters of her on my wall. I’ve even got an album of hers. It’s called Cheryl Ladd.”

My colleague didn’t seem too impressed—even when Cheryl rose to make a short speech to the press pack that had followed her into the restaurant. She was promoting the new Charlie’s Angels 2 movie.

Then I woke up.

Earlier that night, I’d had another dream in which Jen and I were on holiday in Antarctica. We’d found a nice little pub in a picturesque, snowy village that sold London Pride on gas (eugh!), and a very decent real ale. Unfortunately, the latter soon ran out, so I volunteered to catch a helicopter to Autralia to bring back some more beer.

BBC News: Liverpool named Capital of Culture [04-Jun-03]
Liverpool has been named European Capital of Culture 2008 … The leader of Liverpool City Council, Councillor Mike Storey, said: “This is like Liverpool winning the Champions League, Everton winning the double and the Beatles reforming all on the same day – and Steve Spielberg coming to the city to make a Hollywood blockbuster about it.”

He forgot to mention Manchester United being relegated from the third division. Might as well go the whole hog.

I woke up yesterday morning and my eyes looked like a gecko’s: all swollen and scaley. Nice. I usually have trouble with mild eczema on my eyelids in the summer, but they had never been this bad before.

The swelling had reduced this morning, but my eyes still looked pretty bad, so I went to see my new doctor. I don’t know what came over me, but, for some reason, I decided to indicate how swollen my eyes had been yesterday by cupping my hands over my eyes and puffing out my cheeks.

“What, like this?” asked my doctor, cupping her hands over her eyes and puffing out her cheeks.

I have known this woman for exactly 30 seconds, and already she’s taking the piss out of me. Story of my life.

Our friends‘ teenage son is in a rock band with the absolutely brilliant name of Worried About Dave. They played a battle-of-the-bands-type gig recently, so an artistically inclined friend of theirs made them a banner to hang behind the stage. Unfortunately, his capital Rs looked more like Bs, so the band was introduced as WOBBIED ABOUT DAVE.

Very Spinal.