I woke up yesterday morning and my eyes looked like a gecko's: all swollen and scaley. Nice. I usually have trouble with mild eczema on my eyelids in the summer, but they had never been this bad before.

The swelling had reduced this morning, but my eyes still looked pretty bad, so I went to see my new doctor. I don't know what came over me, but, for some reason, I decided to indicate how swollen my eyes had been yesterday by cupping my hands over my eyes and puffing out my cheeks.

"What, like this?" asked my doctor, cupping her hands over her eyes and puffing out her cheeks.

I have known this woman for exactly 30 seconds, and already she's taking the piss out of me. Story of my life.

Later, Carolyn sent me a text message, asking how my eyes were. I texted her back, saying the doctor had given me six months… "TO DO WHAT?" came Carolyn's reply.

Richard Carter

A fat, bearded chap with a Charles Darwin fixation.

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