Just not cricket: Wayne ‘Shrek’ Rooney gives Carvalho one in the nuts. That has got to smart.

I’m sorry, call me unpatriotic and old-fashioned, but, if you stamp on a chap’s nuts, you don’t deserve to win a local five-a-side pub soccer match, let alone the sodding World Cup. That’s not the English way of doing things.

Wayne Rooney, if you’re reading this (read a lot, do you, Wayne?), you are a disgrace to your team-mates, and to your country. Unfortunately, as is not usually the case with Man U players, your country also happens to be my country. I hope you’re bloody ashamed of yourself.

What am I talking about? Of course you’re not.

How long before Colleen dumps him, do you reckon?