Geordie soccer pundit Alan Shearer commenting after the Liverpool-Wigan match on Match of the Day last night:

I have to say, it was a very, very good game of football, with some top players on show from both sides—and I include Wigan in that.

Pathetic, overpaid, mincing prima donnas

BBC: England 2–3 Croatia

England failed to qualify for Euro 2008 after losing a sensational game against Croatia at Wembley.

Why do we waste valuable airtime on these pathetic no marks? Time to embrace a vastly superior sport as our national game.

See also:

(Well done, Croatia, by the way. You showed up our pathetic, overpaid, mincing prima donnas for what they are: a bunch of pathetic, overpaid, mincing prima donnas.)

'The Beautiful Game', my peach-like arse!

Right in the nuts

Just not cricket: Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney gives Carvalho one in the nuts. That has got to smart.

I'm sorry, call me unpatriotic and old-fashioned, but, if you stamp on a chap's nuts, you don't deserve to win a local five-a-side pub soccer match, let alone the sodding World Cup. That's not the English way of doing things.

Wayne Rooney, if you're reading this (read a lot, do you, Wayne?), you are a disgrace to your team-mates, and to your country. Unfortunately, as is not usually the case with Man U players, your country also happens to be my country. I hope you're bloody ashamed of yourself.

What am I talking about? Of course you're not.

The long-ball game

I was collared by a soccer fan in the kitchen at work this afternoon. He asked me if I'd seen the England v Trinidad and Tobago match last night. I said I'd caught the last 20 minutes. We agreed that our lads played like a bunch of girls. We then proceeded to have an entire conversation about football.

I must have acquitted myself rather well, as my colleague clearly didn't twig that I hadn't the faintest idea what I was talking about. Hell, I even managed to slip in a reference to the Republic of Ireland's adoption of the long-ball game in a previous tournament. I heard Jackie Charlton mention it on Desert Island Discs.

I'm not entirely sure what the long-ball game is (I suspect the clue's in the name), but I reckon it's time our bunch of girls adopted it. If it's good enough for Big Jack, then it's good enough for England.

See also: My photos from Tobago on Flickr