BBC: John Gwilliam: Wales Grand Slam-winning captain dies at 93
Former Wales Grand Slam-winning captain John Gwilliam - who was part of the last Welsh team to beat New Zealand - has died at the age of 93…
Away from rugby, he served as a tank commander during the Second World War and was headmaster of the independent Birkenhead School from 1963 to 1988…
Gwilliam was described as a physically imposing, religious and austere, and he is remembered at Birkenhead School as a strict disciplinarian.

My old headmaster. Physically imposing, religious, austere, and a strict disciplinarian pretty much nails it.

As a young atheist, I used to disagree with him in Divinity (RE) lessons. He got his own back by making me into a 'monitor'. The difference between a monitor and a prefect was that monitors weren't required to read the lesson in school chapel. In my case, I'm pretty sure he didn't want to take the risk.

Get within kicking distance and throw the ball to Jonny

World Cup final, playing the defending champions on their home turf, last minute of extra time: we all knew my mate Clive's game plan. So simple, even a soccer player could understand it. Simple, yet totally reliable:

(Off his wrong foot, as well.)

Jonny Wilkinson has decided to retire from test rugby. A great ambassador for the game, and for his country. Even the Aussie's won't hear a word said against him, apparently.

Oh, go on, then, just one more time:

Swing low

I heard it on the radio first: John Terry has been stripped of the England captaincy by Capello!

Yes, that's right: someone I had never heard of had been removed as 'England captain' by someone else I had never heard of for bending one into the ex-girlfriend of a team-mate.

For those of you as baffled as I was, John Terry, it turns out, is—or, rather, was—the England Men's Soccer team captain. In other words, an overpaid, coiffured softie who can kick a ball. Apparently, captain is official BBC short-hand for men's soccer captain.

Meanwhile, in real sports news, the 2010 Six Nations Championship opens today.

(That would be men's rugby union, for the totally clueless.)

Postscript: Noooooooo!!! BBC: Prince Harry to become RFU vice-patron. If the nasty little ginger shit wants vice, he should follow the footie!

My mate Clive

I know it must seem patently obvious, but, in case you were in any doubt, I'd better say this up-front: I really don't plan any of this crap beforehand, you know…

A week last Sunday, I urged you all to listen to what World-Cup-winning former England rugby coach, Sir Clive Woodward, had to say.

This afternoon I quite unexpectedly found myself doing just that—in the flesh, so to speak.

Don't believe me, huh?

Me and Sir Clive Woodward

Me and Sir Clive 'Call Me Clive' Woodward this afternoon. (I'm the one on the left.)

Admit it: you're mildly impressed.

See also:

A game of two halves

BBC: Italy 19–23 England

England laboured to their first Six Nations victory of 2008 but did nothing to answer the critics with a far from impressive display in Rome.

It was like last week all over again: England played great in the first half, and abysmally in the second.

"I don't get it," said Jen after the match. "They come back on after tea-time and they're a different team."

Shit! Do you think that's it? Do you think our lads are actually taking a proper tea break? While the Welsh and Italians were making do with a slice of orange, were our boys stuffing their fat faces with cake and scones and maybe a slice of apple pie?

More plum duff? Don't mind if I do!

I'll bet that's it!


Pathetic, overpaid, mincing prima donnas

BBC: England 2–3 Croatia

England failed to qualify for Euro 2008 after losing a sensational game against Croatia at Wembley.

Why do we waste valuable airtime on these pathetic no marks? Time to embrace a vastly superior sport as our national game.

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(Well done, Croatia, by the way. You showed up our pathetic, overpaid, mincing prima donnas for what they are: a bunch of pathetic, overpaid, mincing prima donnas.)