I have what I like to think is a healthy cynicism regarding any so-called sport which is performed to music, and where points are awarded for artistic merit or international relations: figure skating, certain gymnastic events, the Eurovision Song Contest, and so on. Top of the list, obviously, must be synchronised bloody swimming.
The other week, ticket-sellers cocked up and oversold 10,000 tickets for the forthcoming Olympic synchronised bloody swimming competition. Yes, ten-thousand: there are ten-thousand saddoes out there prepared to part with their hard-earned cash for the privilege of watching girls with bulldog clips on their noses perform semi-aquatic dance-erobics with Phil Bloody Collins blaring away in the background. No, come to think of it, there are far more saddoes than that, because that's just the oversold tickets. Jee-zuss!
It's phenomenally popular, for some incomprehensible reason, synchronised bloody swimming. Which makes me wonder whether the BBC might have missed a trick. They've managed to get the clueless public glued to their telly sets every Saturday evening to watch no-mark Z-list celebrities take ballroom-dancing lessons. Quality telly, that—and cheap as well. So how come they haven't latched on to the idea of celebrity synchronised bloody swimming? Hell, even I would watch that. Even an old cynic like me would be unable to pass up the opportunity to watch Ann Widdecombe, Jordan or Kerry Katona putting themselves at severe risk of drowning.
Actually, no, I don't think Jordan would be at any risk whatsoever of drowning. Better make it Emma Bunton instead.