My dad's favourite gardening fork broke recently, so he asked me if I could try to get him a new handle from the local hardware shop. Yes, that's right, this morning I finally got to walk into a hardware shop and ask for "fork handles". The woman behind the counter smiled knowingly. "Would that be… Continue reading Comedy classic
Author: Richard Carter
A fat, bearded chap with a Charles Darwin fixation.
Finding my audience
I'm losing my touch. I was at a meeting this morning where there were three people named Richard sitting next to each other. "I suppose this is what you call an embarrassment of Richards," I remarked amusingly… Not a sausage; not even a snigger. Then, to make matters worse, I meet Carolyn for coffee, and… Continue reading Finding my audience
Untitled
Eureka Alert: Men overestimate the number of sexual partners they have had in their lives [12-Mar-03] …It remains, however, unclear as to how male overestimation could result in such a wide disparity in the reported number of lifetime sexual partners. In my day, it was called bullshitting. Postscript: What the hell am I talking about?… Continue reading Untitled
The Owl of Doom
Every morning for the last five days, I've been woken by an owl hooting somewhere in the garden. As I've never heard an owl hooting anywhere in the garden before, I'm taking this to be some sort of sign. So, in honour of recent world events, I've decided to give my owl a name: either… Continue reading The Owl of Doom
Wind instrument
There's absolutely no delicate way of putting this: I farted while getting dressed this morning, and the noise that emerged was a perfect rendition of the first note of (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones. Yes, that's right: my arse has perfect pitch; no bum notes from my backside, no siree. Thinking… Continue reading Wind instrument
Another Prediction Comes True: "RAF clothing yarn"
Another 2003 prediction comes true: Daily Record: Our Boys are Boiling, Starving and Begging from the Americans [10-Mar-03] Scots squaddies are suffering in the Gulf heat because they still haven't got lightweight desert kit… One RAF aircraftman told his dad: "We beg everything from the Yanks. It is embarrassing but needs must. I am one… Continue reading Another Prediction Comes True: "RAF clothing yarn"
From an email to Stense
Had a rare old time in Barcelona, thank you for asking. Lots of nasty, fizzy, cold beer and warm, sunny weather. Kept forgetting I was in Spain, being convinced, for some reason or other, that I was in Italy. On the first evening, I got so pissed that I insisted on buying an old Spanish/Italian… Continue reading From an email to Stense
Buying coal
Conversation with the local coal merchant: "What sort of coal have you got?" "We've some new stuff from Selby. They say it's all right, but the last lot they sent was really poor." "Perhaps it was past its Selby date." "…That was bad."
Straw poll
No slur intended on either of the gentlemen concerned, but, is it just me, or do UK Foreign Minister, Jack Straw's spectacles bear an uncanny resemblance to those once worn by SS Reichsführer and Nazi war criminal, Heinrich Himmler?
Jesus, Mary and Mungo!
Have you seen the latest BBC 5-day weather forecast for my neck of the woods? Yeah, right. Who are they tryng to kid? It's quite clear they're not from round these parts.