Joke
I'm sure this one must have been doing the rounds for weeks, but I only heard it yesterday:
Q: What's brown and half-eaten?
A: John Paul II's Easter egg.
Oh-ho!
Talking of popes (as I have been doing far too much of late):
BBC: Benedict prayed 'not to be Pope'
Pope Benedict XVI has revealed at an audience with pilgrims that he prayed to God during conclave to spare him the "destiny" of becoming Pope.
Does the phrase pants on fire spring to mind?
What a shame he didn't think to pray a little louder: I'm sure the other cardinals would have taken the hint.
"Two Sheds"
Overheard at the security desk at work:
"Sorry, what did you say your surname was again?"
"Newton."
"As in Isaac?"
"[Sigh] Yes, as in Isaac."
Smoke signals
Scotsman Holy smoke! Why heat was on the cardinals
…The truth behind the confusing smoke signals from the Vatican chimney has been revealed by one of the 115 cardinals who helped choose a successor to Pope John Paul II.
Adrianus Simonis, from Holland, said: "We needed two goes to get the white smoke going because the chimney just wouldn't draw. At one point the entire Sistine Chapel filled with smoke."
Simonis's comments revealed why there had been uncertainty and confusion, when the first puffs of smoke last week appeared to be black. Then, after several minutes, it turned grey and, finally, white.
It seems to me, what the vatican needs is a simple garden incinerator.
I've been doing some experimenting. Here are my findings:
- dry paper—white smoke
- dry garden waste—white smoke
- damp garden waste—copious white smoke
- soaking wet garden waste—no smoke
- smelly old rug—black smoke
- oily rag—black smoke
- christmas tree—whooooooosh!
- petrol—VOOOOOOOOM! No eyebrows
It isn't exactly rocket science.
Duck-billed platitudes
What in god's name is the phrase kind regards supposed to mean? I'd never heard it until a year ago, and now everyone seems to be signing off their emails with it.
I'm all for pleasantries and crap like that, but think about it for a moment: how can you send regards that are kind? It doesn't make sense. You can send warm regards, and you can send affectionate regards, but kind regards? I don't think so.
And even if it were possible to send your regards kindly, who the hell are you to point it out? Surely whether you're being kind or not is down to the recipient or a third-party to decide. Would you dream of signing off an email with the phrase welcome regards? Well then.
But the worst thing about the phrase kind regards is that it's so bloody trite. The sort of people who write kind regards are the sort of people who buy Phil Collins albums. If they can't be arsed to sign off with an original or, at the very least, appropriate valediction, well, quite frankly, sod them!
Come on, folks, you're emailing real people out there. Don't insult them with platitudes. If you need to keep it formal, plain old regards is good enough. If you're on good (or even bad) terms with the individual concerned, however, why not show an ounce of imagination and sign off with something a bit more personal or humorous? Here are some examples you might like to consider:
- Kind of regards,
- Haughty regards,
- Naughty regards,
- Punctilious regards,
- (Insert random adjective here) regards,
- Graders (anag.)
- Moustache! [must dash, geddit?]
- Let's do brunch!
- Let's make babies next time!
- Fingers-crossed re. your clinic results!
- I think I'm in love with your wife. There, I've said it!
- We'll always have Cleckheaton.
- Be there or wear flares.
- Don't worry, I'm sure it will clear up. They have some wonderful ointments these days.
- LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
- Must go—Natalie Imbruglia has just called round. I wish she'd leave me alone, she's turning into a real nuisance!
- I could go on like this all day, but I'll be damned if I'm going to.
- Let's just leave it at that, should we?
- Toops!
- Nooby-poots!
- Wooooooooooooop!!
- I take it the 'Princess Anne' situation is resolved.
- It's your round.
- On second thoughts, forget it.
- What's that smell?
- SEND PHOTOS, DAMMIT!
(I fully appreciate I'm asking for trouble here.)
In the interests of balance and impartiality…
BBC: Britain's Catholics at a crossroads
As cardinals gather in Rome to elect a new pope, the Catholic Church in Britain is riding a wave as lapsed members return to the fold…
Lapsed catholics—didn't they used to be known as protestants?
The Cardinal Numbers Game
BBC: Cardinals begin electing new pope
Roman Catholic cardinals have been locked into the Sistine Chapel, beginning their secret election conclave to vote for the new pope.
In the course of the next few days or weeks, a previously fallible human being will, as if by magic, suddenly become infallible. That's one hell of a trick if you think about it. It must be nice to be infallible.
In theory, any one of 115 men could become the next pope. At this early stage in the running, however, the clever money is on Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, Dean of the College of Cardinals, and erstwhile member of the Bavarian Hitler Youth.
The Roman Catholic Church apparently sees nothing incongruous in the prospect of a man who was once a member of the Hitlerjugend becoming pope. In Ratzinger's justifiable defence, membership of the Hitler Youth was compulsory in Bavaria at the time. I'm sure young Joseph made a point of following those Heil Hitlers with a few Hail Marys.
But an ex-Hitler Youth as pope? Could they really be that crazy?
Postscript: Oh, apparently they could.
Spring is here…
The grass is riz. Four weekends ago, I mowed the lawn for the first time this year, and noticed in passing that lapwings had resumed their manic flights above the moors. Three weekends ago, the equinox having passed, European clocks were turned forward, marking the official start of 'summertime'. Two weekends ago, I saw my first swallow of 2005. Last weekend, curlews returned to the field at the side of the house.
Blue tits moved into the nest box is our Scots pine yonks ago. The snowdrops in the garden are long-gone. The daffodils and early blossoms are on their way out. In the last month, I have made four trips to the local tip with garden waste. The year's first ill-faited slugs have emerged from their winter hideaways. Last weekend, after a long afternoon's graft in the garden, Jen and I sat on our sunny patio and drank a few well-earned Guinnesses.
Yes, spring is here all right.
Which goes some way to explaining how we managed to get two inches of sodding snow last night.
13,000 Not Out
(She loves this photo!)
HOLY CRAP!! Get this: Stense is thirteen-THOUSAND days old today!
To celebrate this momentous event, here is a photograph of the buxom babe, taken when she and I were considerably younger.
The photograph is 130 pixels wide by 100 pixels high. That's one pixel for every day of Stense's life.
That's a hell of a lot of pixels!
Score
Apparently, he gave it 3 out of 10.