Gruts

BBC: Jobs blow at yarn factory

BBC: Arrest warrant for singer Jackson
Police in California have issued an arrest warrant for Michael Jackson, Santa Barbara police department said.

Apparently, they're looking for a moonwalking black man with white skin, a flat, pointed nose and chubby, razor-edged cheeks. He is believed to be accompanied by a chimpanzee.

…And, in a spookily unrelated story:

BBC: Surgeons oppose face transplants

BBC: Potato disease to cost £400,000 (14-Nov-03)
An outbreak of the world's most damaging potato disease in mid Wales is going to cost the farm involved £400,000… The whole crop will then be destroyed at a cost to farmer John Morgan and his family of £400,000. It will then be buried or sent to a landfill site.

Aren't spuds supposed to be buried?

"Hello, Carolyn."
"Oh, what is it now?!"

Bloody charming.

BBC: 'The whisky critics are wrong' (17-Nov-03)
When worldwide drinks company Diageo changed the composition of the famous Cardhu malt, a storm raged in the whisky world. The firm's rivals said the industry's reputation was being damaged because the 12-year-old single malt was now being made from a mixture of vatted malts from several distilleries while still being sold under its original name.

In the name of everything that is holy, Diageo, Cardhon't!

BBC: Climate 'killed' Alaskan horse (13-Nov-03)
[…] Researchers found the horses shrank in size before their extinction 12,500 years ago, which fits with the theory that they did not have enough to eat.

They must have been on the same diet as Sydney.

One I missed at the time:

CNN: Palace: Charles claims 'ludicrous' (07-Nov-03)
…Fawcett, 40, was the "indispensable" royal aide said to have regularly squeezed the Prince of Wales's toothpaste.

From the newspaper that brought you Cat Killer Virus Epidemic Alert and the all-time classic Dead Hen Found in Tripe Works Freezer comes:

Local dog in slimming finals
Sydney, a dog from Hebden Bridge is one of 13 hot contenders who (sic) pound-shedding prowess have merited them a place in the North East Hill's Pet slimmer of the Year regional final.

We were watching Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall (sic) on telly last night. He was gathering hazelnuts from what he described as a hazelnut tree. Call me old-fashioned, but didn't they used to be called hazels?

Jen then pointed out that, if Mr Fearnley-Whittingstall were being consistent, he would actually have been gathering hazelnut tree nuts—presumably from a hazelnut tree nut tree.

And so forth…

• Richard Carter by Hazel
• Photo of Down House, the home of Charles Darwin (with large hazel nut tree nut tree to the left)

BBC: Bush's Middle East shift
In a major foreign policy speech in Washington, US President George W Bush has challenged the countries of the Middle East to adopt democracy.

Or they could always try the US electoral system.