I know what you're thinking: who does the new-look Saddam remind you of? Well, here's a clue…
See also: Another one bites the dust
Separated at birth
Deadlocked
Apparently, it's the French who want to describe the situation as an impasse; the British prefer the word deadlocked, whereas the Germans insist on calling it die Pattsituation.
Postscript: The BBC has now renamed the above news item European summit ends in failure, which rather spoils my already weak joke.
Analyse this, you specious, Freudian quack-merchants…
Last night, I dreamt that ITN's Sir Trevor McDonald was presenting a news item about a remarkable new light aeroplane that had wings made from a duvet. The piece began with the aircraft perched on top of a large pile of boulders, from which it carefully descended in the style of a four-wheel drive car (its duvet flapping behind it). It then taxied off along the Australian desert with Sir Trevor at the controls. As the aircraft took off, banking sharply to the right, I couldn't help noticing that the wings were actually made from a quilt, not a duvet. Suddenly, the image cut to the plane's interior, and I saw that it was now being piloted by the late Douglas Adams. "It handles like a Cessna," he observed, as we headed off, following a long, straight road (complete with hump-back bridge), across the Irish Aran Islands.
…And then I woke up.
That's the second time I've dreamt about Australia this year. I can't tell you about the first time. I told Stense (who featured rather heavily in it), and she responded accordingly.
'BBC'
BBC: Frenzy builds for German 'cannibal' trial (02-Dec-03)
I do wish the BBC would stop over-using quotation marks to denote 'the implied questionable'. Check out their news site any time, day or night, and I think it's a fairly safe bet that you'll see at least one headline with quotation marks used in this way.
Regarding the headline quoted above, the German man in question admits killing another man and eating bits of him. There really is no need for the quotation marks: he's a cannibal.
You must be joking
Observer: The A-Z of laughter
Ahead of this week's British Comedy Awards, the Observer has decided to find out who really makes us laugh. With the help of a panel of expert judges, we present the 50 funniest people in Britain. From stand-up comedians to the backroom producers, from satirists to the kings of slapstick, this is a celebration of the very best of British humour.
Any such list that includes Rowan Atkinson and Jo Brand at the expense of Billy Connolly is clearly taking the piss.
Slow news week
Welcome to the Free World
Sunday Times: Blunkett: 'We don't want terror camp Britons'
David Blunkett, the [UK] home secretary, is blocking moves to repatriate the British terrorist suspects held at Guantanamo Bay… Families of the Guantanamo suspects had hoped the men might be home for Christmas. But the prospects of an early deal have been clouded by Blunkett's warnings that any proceedings in British civilian courts would probably end with acquittals through lack of admissible evidence. [Emphasis added.]
Who says justice is blind?
Anyone else noticed that 'David Blunkett' is an anagram of 'Dank devil-butt'? Kind of makes you think.
Talent
BBC: Ireland wins Miss World contest
Ireland has won the Miss World beauty pageant, held this year for the first time in China.
First Eurovision, then Riverdance and Westlife, now this. Dammit, those Irish are such a talented bunch!
Load of old cock
New Scientist: Fossilised crustacean boasts oldest penis
A newly discovered 425 million-year-old fossil boasts a lurid claim to fame - it has the oldest penis on record. The five millimetre long crustacean, discovered by UK and US researchers, has been named Colymbosathon ecplecticos - derived from the Greek for "astounding swimmer with a large penis".
A five millimetre long crustacean… Large penis?
Overheard in the poultry section at Tesco
Child: "Mummy, why do people have to kill chickens?"
Mummy: "Because you can't eat them if they're alive."
Correct answer.