You know what really winds me up? When a friend pops round to your place to ask for a favour, and, while you're agreeing to do it, unbeknownst to you, their dog is pissing on your briefcase.
…And then they came looking for me
BBC: Binge drinking costing billions
Britain's binge drinking culture is costing the country £20 billion a year, according to a government report.
Oh, crap, here we go: they've persecuted the poor old smokers into hiding, so now they're going to turn their guns on the drinkers. Hey, I've got a great New-Labour-type solution to the problem: rather than harmonise our taxes with Europe (like we're supposed to, if you remember, so we can adopt the euro), why don't we put a ridiculously high tax on alcohol? Oh, hang on…
How long before the first passive drinking stories, do you reckon? And then, no doubt, they'll try to ban the consumption of alcohol in pubs.
Bye-agra!
BBC: UK bans spam messages
The UK has made spam a criminal offence to try to stop the flood of unsolicited messages.
Well, that's that one sorted, then. Phew!
Lying
BBC: Sleep position gives personality clue
Scientists believe the position in which a person goes to sleep provides an important clue about the kind of person they are.
Personally, I tend to go to sleep in bed. Apparently, this means I'm a natural sceptic, who doesn't believe in bullshit theories.
Professor Idzikowski also found that one arm or leg sticking out of the duvet is Britain's most common position, followed by both feet poking out the end.
If you sleep in the former position, you have the sort of personality that makes you buy duvets that are too hot; if you sleep in the latter position, you have the sort of personality that makes you buy duvets that are too short.
Big bang
Not quite as interesting as the headline suggests: it's the stars that are exploding.
Cash 'n' Curry
To celebrate the life and music of the late, great genius that was Johnny Cash, this evening we stuffed ourselves stupid on dry chicken curry and chick pea curry.
Not much of a tribute you might think, but, rest assured, tomorrow morning should lend a whole new meaning to the phrase Ring of Fire.
Meat the ancestors
New Scientist: Meat eating is an old human habit
Humans evolved beyond their vegetarian roots and became meat-eaters at the dawn of the genus Homo, around 2.5 million years ago, according to a study of our ancestors' teeth.
Have you got that, veggies? Evolved beyond their vegetarian roots. So don't give me any of that crap about meat-eating being unnatural. Besides, if the good lord didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them so bloody tasty?
Holy merde!
BBC: England destroy France
England gave their World Cup preparations the perfect finish with a five-try victory over France at Twickenham on Saturday night.
Louis Pasteur, Juliette Binoche, Jaques Chirac, Gérard Depardieu, Catherine Deneuve, Asterix, Obelix, Napoléon Bonaparte, Josephine Beauharnais peut vous ecoutez-moi? Nous made votre garçons look comme une bunch des filles.
Pach-I.D.-erms
BBC: Borneo's elephants gain recognition (04-Sep-03)
My god, Caruthers… Do you know, I think they might be elephants!
Yoko, oh no!
BBC: Yoko to recreate naked art show (05-Sep-03)
Yoko Ono is to re-stage her conceptual art project which saw her invite people to cut off her clothes until she was left naked.
Yoko, NOOOOOOOOOOO! It wasn't a pretty sight the first time round—and that was 40 years ago. You're 70 years old, for Christ's sake! Couldn't you take up bingo or something instead?