I'm no Philistine, but I'm not exactly a culture-vulture either. I read plenty of books, but I don't get through many novels (life's too short). I enjoy a huge variety of music, but, as far as I'm concerned, rap should be spelt with a capital C. I don't claim to know much about art, but I know what's shite.

Floating high amongst the shite come two of the most highly subsidised art forms: ballet and opera. Never been there, never seen either, never bought the T-shirt—and probably never will. (OK, maybe I am a bit of a Philistine.)

But hold on! I've just had a totally awesome idea for a new art form. I thought of it, so I get to name it. I'm calling it bapera.

As the name implies, it's a cross between ballet and opera.

If you think about it, ballet and opera have a lot in common (both done to music, both shite), but there is also a huge gulf between them:

ballet: ultra-fit, ultra-lean homosexuals in leotards, keeping their mouths shut;
opera: ultra-fat, ultra-bearded heterosexuals in togas, bellowing their lungs out.

Bapera merges the two: ultra-fat, bearded tenors, prancing around the stage in leotards, bellowing on about swans!

Hell, I'd pay top whack to see that!

Remember, you heard it here first.

Postscript: Hey, I've just thought of another one—a cross between rap and opera. I'm calling it crapera.

Filed under: Nonsense

Richard Carter

A fat, bearded chap with a Charles Darwin fixation.


  1. School dinner policy by Jamie Oliver. Foreign policy by Geldof (we wish). Celebrocracy. You read it here first. Nominations for which celebrities you like to take over government departments please.

  2. As my dear old great grandpapa used to say "the most important thing about any painting is the frame, because it defines where art finishes & the real world begins"

  3. art is making something out of nothing and selling it. frank zappa

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