I've decided it's time to invent my own alternative therapy. It seems to me that, if people can get away with rubbish like homeopathy, reflexology, aromatherapy, crystal healing, acupuncture, Fraudulent psychoanalysis, and faith healing, why shouldn't I?
I'm going to call my alternative therapy Rixology, in honour of myself.
Rixology works by refocussing entropy. It harmonises imbalance brought about by chaotic flux and channels it back into the energy centres of the patient's aura. In layman's terms, it's a bit like recharging a battery, only it's far, far more complicated than that. In fact, it's nothing at all like recharging a battery.
Basically, Rixology counteracts the entropic effects of the Second Law of Thermodynamics by intercepting dissipating energy, reconcentrating it, and reflecting it back into the affected energy centre. This is achieved using a technique known as whisking. Whisking involves moving your hands rapidly back and forth over the affected area of the body while you emit medium- to high-pitched whistles in time with your hand movements. The pitch of the whistle is tuned to the natural frequency of the affected energy centre.
Rixology is, therefore, non-invasive, non-toxic, and every bit as effective as other alternative therapies (provided you don't admit it's total bollocks to your patients).
I reckon I'm on to a real winner.