1. Well, I'm sure you are pretty damned pleased that HRH has called by to make sure you are o.k. What the bloody hell is he going to do about it?! (Apart from giving his cufflinks an extra twiddle.)

    On a serious note Richard, I hope you are not personally affected by the floods.

  2. Thanks for your concern, but we live several hundred feet above Hebden Bridge, on the side of a very steep slope. If we ever flood, expect Noah to make a second-coming.

    But Hebden Bridge was a pretty sad site after the flood the other week: the bastard got (amongst other things) the record shop, two bookshops, and a couple of pubs. Where the hell am I going to spend my money now?

  3. The record shop?
    Did they lose many copies of 'Before The Flood'?
    Or was it just the ones by 'Wet Wet Wet?

    I sense a chain starting here....(I hope it's got an anchor on the end)


    A major flood ravaged Yorkshire in the early hours of Sunday.
    Worst hit area:- Hebden Bridge.

    Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering ‘ecky thump’ & ‘hey oop’. The flood caused approximately £30 worth of damage to the local record shop. Many ABBA fans were treated for shock.
    Several priceless collections of souvenirs from Ibiza & the Spanish Costas
    were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars
    were disturbed. Many locals were woken long before their giros arrived.

    The Yorkshire Evening Post reported that hundreds of residents were confused & Bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
    interesting had happened in the area.

    One resident – Sharon Tracy Smith. A 15 year old mother of five said ‘it was such a shock. My little Lambrini Mercedes came running into my bedroom, crying. My youngest two, Megan- Storm & Kylie-Morgan, slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning’.

    Despite the floods, looting, muggings & car crime carried on as normal.
    The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight into the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the mud & have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke & bone china from Poundland.


    This appeal is to raise money for food & clothing parcels for those unfortunate
    enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after.
    Items needed include:- Fila or Burberry baseball caps; Kappa tracksuit tops (his & hers);
    Green wellies; Flat caps; Rockport boots & other items usually sold in
    Primark. Food parcels are also needed urgently, containing:- microwave meals;
    tins of baked beans; ice cream & cans of Special Brew.

    22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.
    £4 buys chips, crisps & blue fizzy drink for a family of 9.
    £7.50 will pay for a packet of Superkings & a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

    Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair
    on the population of neighbouring areas.


    Police are launching an investigation into the floods which swept through Hebden Bridge over the weekend.

    This follows an anonymous phone call from a concerned citizen wishing to identify himself merely as 'Nimby'.

    Acting on information supplied, seven wind turbines & 19 cats were taken in for questioning. Later, pea-green boat was found abandoned in a neighbouring village. All suspects have since been released on bail.

    Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of a Mr. Owl & a feline accomplice.

    This morning police confirmed that they had received a subsequent call from their informant, stating that he had received a hair ball in the post.

    Now read on dot dot dot

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *