Hey, little Jen, when, when when…

About this time of year, our nextdoor neighbour's hens go into a mid-winter sulk, and our regular supply of ultra-low food miles, organic, freerange eggs dries up.

As luck would have it, last Saturday, Jen's mum had half a dozen spare eggs from her nextdoor neighbour's pullets, which she let us have.

"Does this mean we've been given a pullet surprise?" I asked Jen.

Jen looked at me blankly.

"Pullet surprise!" I repeated. "Geddit? I thought it was a pretty clever, spontaneous joke."

"So did I the last time you made it," said Jen.

Correlation does not prove causation

New Scientist: Anti-smoking drug linked to violent behaviour

The anti-smoking drug Chantix is to be investigated by the US Food and Drug Administration after reports linked it to suicidal and violent behaviour.

Of course, an alternative explanation might be that depriving a naturally suicidal or violent person of the calming effect of nicotine might lead to suicidal or violent behaviour.

Fags do have certain benefits to society, as well as their drawbacks.

Getting beyond a joke

BBC: Concern over HIV homeopathy role

Doctors and health charities have expressed concern about a conference which will examine the role of homeopathy in treating HIV.

The event includes discussion of what have been described as "healing remedies" for HIV and AIDS.

One of the speakers believes that the treatment, involving flower essences, can be used to halt the AIDS epidemic.

In case any of these homeopaths were wondering, the 'V' in HIV stands for virus. Viruses are parasitic segments of genetic code which replicate by incorporating themselves into their host's own genetic material and piggybacking on the host's genetic replication process. It is debatable whether viruses should be viewed as living organisms at all, but they often participate in evolutionary arms races with their hosts as the hosts evolve counter-measures against the viruses and the viruses evolve corresponding counter-counter measures.

Antibiotics, the most powerful form of medicine known to man, have no effect on viruses. In order to fight viruses such as HIV, we need to develop special anti-viral drugs. In the case of HIV treatment, patients require a cocktail of other drugs to treat the undesirable side-effects of the anti-viral drugs—and other drugs to overcome the side-effects of some of those drugs. It's far from an ideal situation, but it's the best we have at present—and it has vastly extended the life-expectancy of those people with HIV who are lucky enough to live in countries which can afford such treatments.

Adding a few homeopathic sugar-pills to the cocktail of real medicines given to people with HIV will not (and, indeed, cannot) do any harm. But be in no doubt whatsoever that near-infinite dilutions of flower essences have no role to play in our genetic war against the human immunodeficiency virus.

Anyone who advocates homeopathy as an alternative treatment to HIV, however, deserves to be set on fire. Then put out very slowly.

With a spade.

The Billy Bragg Temporal Paradox

It's like something out of StarTrek™:

Billy Bragg: New England

I was twenty-one years when I wrote this song
I'm twenty-two now, but I won't be for long…

Read those lyrics again. Go on, I'll wait for you…

Did you spot the temporal paradox? Billy Bragg says that he was 21 years old when he wrote the song, but that he's 22 now. But, when he wrote the song, 'now' was back then, when he was still 21—so how could he have been 22? And, if he was still 21 when he wrote the song, why did he refer to it in the past tense?

It's as if the 22-year-old future Red Wedge crooner totally fucked up the timeline by getting sucked into some wormhole in space and sent back one year so that there were two of him, aged 21 and 22 respectively, at the same time.

That has got to be breaking the Temporal Prime Directive.

Either that, or Billy Bragg is a bloody liar.


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What in god's name is a 'working breakfast'?

I heard someone use the expression the other day: "Let's do a working breakfast!" they said, without a hint of irony. I'll bet it's some nasty American fad.

Breakfasts aren't for working. Breakfasts are for grunting, farting and putting food and tea into your face while you try to work out what the hell day it is.

No, let's not do a working breakfast.

Actually, on second thoughts, yes, let's! We can 'do' it at my place. I do breakfast at 5:30am. See you there.

Pathetic, overpaid, mincing prima donnas

BBC: England 2–3 Croatia

England failed to qualify for Euro 2008 after losing a sensational game against Croatia at Wembley.

Why do we waste valuable airtime on these pathetic no marks? Time to embrace a vastly superior sport as our national game.


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(Well done, Croatia, by the way. You showed up our pathetic, overpaid, mincing prima donnas for what they are: a bunch of pathetic, overpaid, mincing prima donnas.)