Time I duct

Jen: I was reading in the paper that the number of vasectomies in England has fallen by over 60% in the last ten years.
Me: Over 60%: that's a vas deferens.

Overheard in the pub yesterday

–Do you have any non-alcoholic ginger ale?
–Yes.
–I’ll have one of those with a shot of vodka in it.

Davey No-Mates

In-car conversation with Jen this morning:

J: I think his name must be Dave C.
R: Whose name?
J: The chap in that blue car. Its registration was D4 UEC.
R: That's not even close.
J: The 4 represents an A.
R: Yes…
J: …and the U represents a V.
R: No way! You can't have a U representing a V!
J: I didn't say it was any good. I was just trying to work out why he'd spent his money on a personalised numberplate, and what it was supposed to stand for.
R: Do you think his mates call him DAUE?
J: I don't reckon he'll have many mates.

Buying alcohol at Sainsbury's…

Checkout lady: Having a party?
Me: Erm… No.

Watching ‘The Bourne Identity’ with my dad...

Dad: Did she just say she was Mr Kane's pregnant sister?
Me: Personal assistant.

Apostrophe catastrophe

Conversation with Jen as we approached Elland last week:

R: Did you see that sign just then? ‘Butty's R Us’. That was Butty, apostrophe, S! Outrageous!
J: …Whereas, you have no problems at all with the rest of the sign?

Come again?

Fishmonger [turning to me from an animated conversation]: Do you happen to know when Easter is next year?
Me: Yes, it'll be the first Sunday on or after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.
Fishmonger: Thanks!

...I've since looked it up, just to make sure, and it's not quite that simple. I blame the Council of Nicaea, and the Synod of Whitby.

On reflection, perhaps I should just have said 27th March.