Gruts

🦆

Paradigm shift

For reasons I won't go into, I was thinking about cavemen the other day—or, rather, cavewomen.

The thought occurred to me, wouldn't it be really cool if palaeontologists dug up a new cavewoman fossil somewhere, and, when they made a reconstruction of what she must have looked like, she turned out to be the spitting image of Raquel Welch? The discovery would rock the palaeoanthropological world to its very foundations.

It would also require us to revise our views on the historical accuracy of Hammer films.

Falsification forcing a major theoretical rethink: that's what good science is all about.

See also: Australopittecus

I'm not dead

As I announced in May, I've been working on a major update to my Friends of Charles Darwin website. It finally went live on Wednesday evening, and the response has been phenomenal to say the least.

Normal Gruts stupidity will resume shortly.

Cross those off the shopping list

Observer: So, just how unethical is your supper?

Pink lady apples: A hybrid of Golden Delicious and Lady Williams, the UK's fastest-growing apple variety is colonising our shelves. But it sets a sinister precedent—the first trademarked or patented apple. So although it has been created using material from the natural world's genetic 'commonwealth', the hybrid is now the property of a profit-driven company. Anyone wanting to plant Pink Lady has to pay for the privilege of growing it. Critics say this is 'bio-piracy', the privatisation of our planet's biodiversity.

'Six easy points', my arse!

I see Liverpool have made their usual flying start to the new season with a 1-1 draw against newly promoted Sheffield United.

I have a theory (which is easily checked, but I'm not about to in case it turns out to be wrong) that, if Liverpool could average the same number of points in the first quarter of each season as they do in the remaining three-quarters, they would win the championship pretty much every year. They always seem to play totally crap at the start of the season, then spend the rest of it playing catch-up.

They also seem to be a lot better at taking points off the good teams than off the crap ones.

What's particularly irksome about yesterday's result is that I was genuinely delighted when the Blades were promoted last season, and I hope they do well (i.e. avoid relegation) this one.

But not by taking points off Liverpool.

Bloody hell, Jen's kid brother (a fanatical Blades fan) is going to be unsufferable the next time we go out for a few pints!

Distortion

A completely fabricated news story, courtesy of the Beeb:

BBC: U-571 writer regrets 'distortion'

Screenwriter David Ayer has admitted his 2000 film U-571 distorted history and that he would not do it again.

No he hasn't.

I heard the full interview with Ayer on the radio this afternoon. At the end of the interview, he was challenged about the historical accuracy of his historically inaccurate film, U-571. He pointed out that it was a work of fiction, which required Americans to be the heroes for it to stand any chance at all at the box office. He gave due respect to the real-life (British) heroes who rescued a German Enigma cypher machine from a sinking U-boat in 1941. Then, when pressed, pathetically, for an abject apology, he, rather engagingly, joked (as quoted at the very end of the aforequoted item), "I won't do it again".

In other words, Ayer didn't, as implied above, say that, given the chance, he wouldn't do it again; he simply promised not to do it again in future. The joke being that he would never need to.

So the BBC has blown up a droll joke into a totally misleading non-news story.

Kind of ironic, bearing in mind the BBC was accusing Ayer of distorting the facts.

See also:

Gruts: Das Boot

Crouching Tiger, Lucky Spaniel

The other night, I dreamt I was taking my childhood dog for a walk on the moors above my house. I had just let her off the lead, when I spotted a tiger crouching in the long grass behind a dry stone wall. The tiger was clearly about to attack the unsuspecting spaniel.

Without any thought for my own safety, I ran up to the wall and began hurling stones from it at the tiger. The tiger snarled and growled for a while, but eventually ran off.

In my dreams, I'm one badass mother who don't take no shit from tigers.

Feeling a right tit

BBC: Baggage advice for UK passengers

… No liquids of any type are permitted through the airport security search point, other than the following items:

Prescription medicines in liquid form sufficient and essential for the flight (eg diabetic kit), as long as verified as authentic.

Baby milk and liquid baby food (the contents of each bottle or jar must be tasted by the accompanying passenger).

The definition of liquids includes:

Gels, pastes, lotions, liquid/solid mixtures.

The contents of pressurised containers, eg toothpaste, hair gel, drinks, soups, syrups, perfume, deodorant, shaving foam, aerosols etc.

I wonder if the authorities have started frisking for silicone implants yet.

Nice work if you can get it.

Guardian Weekend: Letters

I was inspired by Matthew Fort to forgo my shopping and instead root through cupboard and fridge for "hidden treasures" (Recipes, August 5). Imagine my dismay on finding myself clean out of chard, pecorino and duck eggs. Some swine must have also polished off the left-over rabbit stew together with the gooseberry and elderflower purée. Damn. Does Matthew Fort have any creative uses for sardines, Ryvita and frozen peas?

Nigel Longhurst
Speke, Liverpool