Future imperfect

BBC: Two-tier pensions plan suggested
Graduates might have to wait until they are 70 before drawing a state pension, the head of the government's Pension Commission has suggested.

Huh?

BBC: Over-60s 'too young' to retire
The number of over-60s continuing to work will double in the next two decades as people increasingly feel too young to retire, a report says. More than one in five workers will be working into their 60s by 2020—double the current figure—it was predicted.

What the hell is going on? Has nobody noticed it's the 21st Century?

This isn't how it's supposed to be. By now, they promised us, none of us would have to work any more: robot slaves would be doing everything for us—cleaning the house, and making nuclear-powered flying cars, and taking the dog for a walk—freeing up enough time for all us humans to become artists and aesthetes, or simply lounge around all day watching holovision. I distinctly remember being told about it at school. Hell, we even learnt about our perfect futures in French:

En l'an deux-mille, chaque famille possédera un petit hélicoptère pour voyager en ville.

Where did it all go wrong?

Hal 9000 computer
I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that: modern computers are total pants.

And what about computers? Aren't we supposed to have banished the keyboard by now? That's right, we were going to talk to our computers in English (or French, if we could still be bothered), and they would understand exactly what we were saying, and they would program themselves, and they would never crash or anything stupid like that.

And what happened to the Mars colony, then? Tell me that. I had a book about it. It looked bloody brilliant!

The way I see it, the engineers have let us down very badly. They made promises they didn't keep. They lied to us.

And so did the pensions ministers, the bastards.

…to crack a nut

For reasons I won't go into, I hit Jen on the back of the head with a sledgehammer this morning.

You're probably thinking I'm exaggerating, or speaking metaphorically, but I'm not; it was a real sledgehammer, I swung it with both hands, and I dealt Jen a glancing blow to the back of the head.

It fucking hurt, apparently.

Memory like a… erm

Text message conversation with Carolyn:

C: Did you know your memory's going?
R: I think I've forgotten my memory's going. What did I forget?
C: I knew you'd ask that and I can't remember! But it was something that you were recalling incorrectly, I thought.
R: I don't remember that!

Malpractice

BBC: Cataract op gorilla gives birth
A gorilla, who underwent a cataract operation after she was born blind, has given birth to a baby at Bristol Zoo.

Now there's an operation that went very wrong.

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Fox Piss II

I'm starting to repeat myself.

Two minutes ago, I opened a bottle of wine, poured a couple of glasses, sampled the bouquet, and remarked to Jen, fox piss.

No sooner were the words out of my mouth than I realised I'd smelt wine with a fox-piss nose before. The latest number is a rather light little SE Australian Shiraz going by the unfortunate name of Up a Gum Tree.

Prefer the Chateau Latour '45 myself.

Postscript: Just did a Google image search to try to find a suitable illustration for this item. Believe me, you do not want to go there. (No, seriously, I mean it. Eeewww!)

Liverpool win 3–3

Liverpool FC badgeLiverpool was buzzing today. Well, the bits of it that weren't hung over were buzzing. I wonder if this could have anything to do with it:

BBC: AC Milan 3–3 Liverpool (aet)
Liverpool beat AC Milan 3–2 in a penalty shoot-out to win the Champions League after sensationally coming from three goals down at half-time.

…and this time the greatest club team in European football history (oh, shut up Madrid and Milan (looo-sers!), and read it and weep Manchester!) quite rightly gets to keep the silverware.

Well done, lads! Magic mustard.

 

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Vulture capitalism

Scotsman: Wind Farm Businessman One of Labour's Biggest Donors

A venture capitalist with a major interest in the wind farm industry was one of the biggest donors to the Labour Party during the General Election campaign, it has emerged.

Nigel Doughty, whose investment company Doughty Hanson owns the Danish firm LM Glasfiber, a major wind turbine manufacturer, gave the party £250,000 after a dinner with Tony Blair held for potential donors earlier this year.

The wind farm industry is expected to expand swiftly over the next few years as ministers seek to encourage the development of renewable energy sources.

Can you imagine the fuss that would be kicked up if Nigel Doughty owned shares in BNFL? Strange there's no mention of this story on the BBC News website.

Oh, hang on a second, what's this?

Observer: 2,000 more wind turbines in countryside

A massive expansion of wind power involving thousands of new turbines will go ahead despite increasingly bitter wrangling over claims that they are despoiling Britain's countryside.

In his first speech since becoming energy minister, Malcolm Wicks, will offer unequivocal backing to the green lobby by insisting it is 'vital' the government rides out vocal opposition to windfarms and sticks with wind energy.

Didn't see that one in the Labour manifesto!

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It were always raining on Denley Moor

BBC: BBC defends new weather forecasts
The BBC has defended its new TV weather maps with realistic 3-D landscapes following complaints by viewers… Some viewers complained about the way Scotland was depicted on screen during the national forecast. The BBC spokesman denied any bias and said the bottom of the map appeared larger because it is a 3D forecast and the south is "slightly larger as it is closer to the viewer".

Ah, but that's the whole point: why did the BBC choose to display the map from a southern aspect? Why not show it from the north, where all the weather is? I know, don't tell me, it's because that's where the satellite sees the country from. How very fortunate!

On second thoughts, why not display the map from directly overhead, in glorious 2-D (just like on the old maps)? Seeing the country in so-called 3-D adds nothing, simply distorting perspective and making it even harder to work out where the hell Hebden Bridge is.

Actually, this story involves two hobby-horses of mine: subtle (and not-so-subtle) media bias against the north, and unnecessary 3-D graphics. Whenever I am shown a new whizz-bang piece of software by a potential supplier, they almost invariably proudly demonstrate its 3-D graph-generating capability. The conversation usually goes something like this:

Supplier: Look! It can even produce 3-D graphs!
Me: That's very clever. Does it do 2-D graphs as well?
Supplier: Erm… Why would you want to do 2-D graphs?
Me: Well, because in most cases they contain exactly the same information and are easier to read.
Supplier: Are they?
Me: Yes. So, does it do 2-D graphs then?
Supplier: Do you know, I haven't the faintest idea. Nobody's ever asked before. Can I get back to you on that one?

3-D graphs are a large part of what is wrong with this country. 3-D graphs and the weather.

As easy as pie: These two charts show exactly the same information. Now, you tell me, which is larger, segment A (blue) or segment B (orange)? Question two: which of the two charts was easier to read?

Postscript:

BBC (28-May-05): New BBC weather map gets facelift
The BBC has given its controversial new weather map a facelift after complaints it had a south of England bias.

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