Gruts

Come on, chaps (no pun intended), what better excuse do you need?

New Scientist: Frequent ejaculation may protect against cancer
Frequent sexual intercourse and masturbation protects men against a common form of cancer, suggests the largest study of the issue to date yet.

To date yet, eh?

But hang on a minute:

New Scientist: Diet of worms can cure bowel disease
Regular doses of worms really do rid people of inflammatory bowel disease. The first trials of the treatment have been a success, and a drinkable concoction containing thousands of pig whipworm eggs could soon be launched in Europe.

I was shopping in Sainsbury's today. I was looking for some diced pork to use in a rather excellent spaghetti recipe that I recently came across. I thought I'd spotted just what I was after near the bacon, only to discover that it was a British product going by the unlikely name of Lardon (which sounded like an aroused pig to me). Next to it was a similar product which was being marketed as Bacon Bits. Call me a snob, but neither of these products had quite the same ring to them as the Italian product I eventually bought: Cubetti di Pancetta.

What is it with us Brits and marketing? Why do we always under-sell our products? Take wine: many years ago, we discovered a way of adding bubbles to it, so we dubbed it sparkling wine. Then along came the French, who stole the idea, and the next thing you know, everyone's drinking champagne.

It's time we sexed things up a bit.

BBC: Animal welfare takes on religion
The [UK] government has rejected a call to ban the method used to kill animals for halal and kosher meat that is required by Muslims and Jews. While animal welfare activists claim the process is cruel, Jews and Muslims say the rules dictated by their ancient religious texts cannot be changed.

Good job there aren't any major religions that are into human sacrifice, eh? Or fox hunting. Now, if only we could get them smoking in pubs…

BBC: Bayer deals blow to GM crops
GM crop growing has been shelved for the "foreseeable future", according to the UK government. German company Bayer CropScience was the only firm eligible to grow herbicide-tolerant maize in the UK. But it has blamed government conditions for making the crop "economically non-viable" because they would stall production of the maize for too long.

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but what's going to happen if this company tries to grow a commercial GM crop in the UK? That's right, it will be destroyed by militant environmentalists. So how could the company (aided and abetted by the UK government) prevent the crop from being destroyed? That's right, by saying it had given up on the idea of growing one.

Remember, you heard it here first!

Conversation with Carolyn in Starbucks™:

C: "Are you going anywhere nice for your birthday?"
R: "Tesco's."
C: [30 seconds of uncontrolled laughter.]
R: "What's so funny about Tesco's?"
C: "I thought you said Sex Girls!"

I dreamt I was polishing my shoes last night. After I'd finished, I inserted some shoe-trees and put the shoes neatly away in the cupboard.

I remember when I used to have good dreams—the sort of dreams I couldn't tell you about.

I just thought of a really crap joke:

Q: What do you call a lazy mountain guide?
A: Shirka Tensing.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

BBC:

On the contrary: I think you'll find Michael Howard has something of the nightmare about him.

Conversation with my friend the farmer yesterday:

(Me) "I think I'll light a fire tonight."
"We had a cracking fire last night. It was really roaring."
"They're good when they're like that."
"It was so hot, I burnt the cat."
"What, you're not going to try to get me with that old joke!"
"What old joke?"
"How do you make a cat bark?"
"I don't know, how do you make a cat bark?"
"Throw it on the fire and… WOOF!"
"Ha-ha! That's a good one! No—I really burnt the cat."
"Serves it right. Did it get too close to the fire and a spark hit it?"
"No, it was dead, so I put it on the fire. It went up a treat."
"You're a sentimental, old fool at times!"
"I thought you'd be pleased."