Gruts

Last year we had a go at growing our own potatoes. We planted them lovingly, cherished and nurtured them, kept their soil free of weeds, watered them when it didn't rain, carefully heaped up the soil around them as they grew (just like grandad said you should), and what happened? 63 kidney-bean-sized spuds. A disaster. The reason: slugs.

So, this year, we decided not to bother: we gave the vegetable patch a wide berth, we let the nettles, chickweed, mint and thistles take over, and we renamed it our wildlife garden. And what happened? A crop of potato-sized potatoes weighing about five times as much as last year's crop. The reason: with so many nettles, chickweed, mint and thistles to get through, the slugs couldn't find the bloody potatoes that had grown from the tubers we failed to gather last season.

I believe that's what the gardening experts refer to as complementary planting. That's complementary as in free.

Guardian: Pope snubbed as Iranian rights lawyer wins Nobel peace prize (11-Oct-03)
An Iranian human rights lawyer who fell foul of her country's conservative clerics has won the Nobel peace prize, in what some see as a rebuff to the Pope, who was heavily tipped to win the prize… In Rome, the decision was seen as a humiliating rebuff for Pope John Paul II.

Something tells me the holy father won't be getting the Nobel prize for science either:

BBC: Vatican in HIV condom row (09-Oct-03)
The Catholic Church has been accused of telling people in countries with high rates of HIV that condoms do not protect against the deadly virus… In an interview, one of the Vatican's most senior cardinals Alfonso Lopez Trujillo suggested HIV could even pass through condoms… The cardinal, who is president of the Vatican's Pontifical Council for the Family, suggests that governments should urge people not to use condoms.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't we supposed to be at war with religious fanatics who are directly responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent people? What a dangerous man. Peace prize my arse.

BBC: Go ahead for pensioner tax plan
Kent County Council put forward the proposal which suggested other taxpayers pay slightly more so the rise for pensioners could be held at about 2.5%… other counties have been closely watching the outcome of the Kent proposal and could follow suit as a result of the government's decision.

Here we go. I know, while they're at it, why don't they lower the tax on married couples too, and lower it even more if they've got children (they are our future, after all), and lower it on unmarried women, and unmarried men without beards, and thin people, and cat owners, and vegetarians, and lager drinkers, and wastrels, and vagabonds, and people with body-piercings, and people with criminal records, and people who go to church, and people who live in Scotland or Wales or the south of England, and people who use the council's services the most (think of it as a loyalty bonus), and people who want more CCTV and traffic calming measures, and people who think they should pay less tax than other people, and people whose names don't begin with the letter R…

Tell you what, let's keep it nice and simple: why don't I just pay for everything? Hang on, I'll go and get my cheque book.

BBC: Carnivores' need for wild walk (02-Oct-03)
The bigger the distance a carnivore covers in the wild, the more likely it is to suffer stress symptoms…

The bigger the distance? Bigger. Not the greater the distance; not the farther the distance; the bigger the distance. Call me old-fashioned, but isn't the BBC supposed to be the last bastion of English used proper?

Wired News: Chemical Arms Demolition Delayed (02-Oct-03)
Already more than $23 billion over budget and 13 years behind schedule, America's program for destroying its stockpile of chemical weapons will now be delayed until 2012, at least.

Apparently, the Americans are experiencing some difficulty finding said chemical weapons. Nothing new there, then.

Who says satire is dead?

BBC: Be more punctual, Ecuadorians are urged (01-Oct-03)
Fire sirens will sound and church bells ring out at midday around Ecuador to mark the launch of the government's campaign to eradicate sloppy timekeeping.

So we can expect the sirens to go off at about 12:30, can we?

BBC: Germany begins to turns against wind (29-Sep-03)
…The wind sector has even come under attack from an unexpected source. Environmentalists have attacked plans for Germany's first offshore wind park, due to be constructed in the North Sea in 2005. They say the windmills are noisy, ugly and a danger to bird life.

Sounds to me as if someone wants to have their Battenberg and eat it. But good on them: at least they're starting to acknowledge that there might actually be some drawbacks with these formerly impeccable wind power-stations.

…Yes, that's right: power-stations; not wind farms; not wind parks; wind power-stations. Damn clever naming them after lovely green things like farms and parks. And have you ever noticed how these power-stations don't generate energy by slowing down the wind (thereby altering the climate)? No, they harvest the wind. How irreproachable! And don't windmills sound so much nicer than horrible, industrial-sounding wind turbines? But I suppose you'd expect the proponents of wind power to know all about spin.

Postscript: I stand corrected. Apparently, wind powerstations don't slow the wind down; they speed it up! But my basic argument still stands: wind powerstations remove energy from the wind, so they affect the climate.

Another great headline I can't believe I missed from earlier this month:

BBC: Self-parking car hits the shops (01-Sep-03)

Three items from this morning's political news (courtesy of the BBC):

Tories fear 'birth dearth'
People should have more children to counter an ageing population in Europe, a Tory MP is expected to argue.

Lib Dems to focus on tax
…The Lib Dems have promised to abolish council tax as soon as possible after coming to power and to replace it with a local income tax of up to 3%.

University admissions shake-up
The university applications system faces an overhaul, as a [Labour] government task force looks for a fairer way of selecting students. This could include taking into account social disadvantages and the type of school a student attended.

I'm in a real quandry here: with so many objectionable ideas being generated by each of the UK's major political parties, come the next election, how on earth am I going to decide which party I don't want to vote for the least?

"That'll be £1.50, please."
"There you are."
"Would you like a banana?"
"What are you trying to say, like?"
"They're free!"
"You'll be telling me they grown on trees next."