Harry Potter and the Greedy Conglomerates

BBC: Potter publisher halts Asda order

The publisher of the final Harry Potter book has cancelled an order to supply 500,000 copies to Asda supermarkets across the UK.

This is all about greed. Greed on the part of the publisher for wanting to over-charge for cheaply made, mass-produced books (because they can). Greed on the part of Asda for wanting to lower prices to out-sell the competition (and, in the process, put small bookshops out of business by cherry-picking the top-selling titles).

There really is no excuse for buying books from supermarkets.

British summertime cancelled

Weather forecast

That’s it: British summertime is officially CANCELLED.

It’s been raining for over a month, with absolutely no sign of any let-up.

If you could all turn back your clocks at 01:00 tomorrow morning, that would be great.

Try to look on the bright side: at least you’ll get an extra hour in bed.

Oh, and the hose-pipe ban is lifted. Not that you’ll be needing to use your hose-pipes at the moment.

I blame El Niño.

See also: Flaming June

Sniffing test

One thing I love about Carolyn is that, although she lives in the same universe as you and me, she sometimes passes into an alternative reality, where strange and wonderful things happen.

Here is her own account of her latest escapade, related to me via instant message last night:

I went for a sniffing test today. You have to sit in a cubicle on a high stool in front of a computer and there is a hatch on the other side of the desk through which they put various samples, one test at a time. At one stage, 8 jars were passed to me but the jar number the computer was asking me to test was not amongst them. So I buzzed for help and opened the hatch and tried to peer through but couldn’t see anyone. At that point, the visitors pass I’d been given fell off so I popped off my stool under the desk to retrieve it.

The next thing I knew was the girl in charge rushing in through my door shouting ‘are you alright’ – she’d looked through the hatch, seen the room was empty and assumed I’d collapsed. It had me giggling for 10 mins – but it didn’t help my sniffing accuracy unfortunately!

Why hasn’t this woman got her own website?

See also:

Lucky day

What with yesterday being Friday 13th, I suppose the car crash must have been pretty inevitable.

Well, when I call it a crash, I suppose it was nothing more than a prang really. OK, not a prang; it was more of a slight knock.

I was sitting in a queue of traffic in the pourring rain when the driver of the car behind me evidently forgot to stop, and I felt a gentle bump pass through Murphy. Like I said, it was pourring with rain, so I decided there was little point getting out into it to examine the non-existent damage. Instead, I pretended not to have noticed the knock and edged forward with the slow-moving queue of traffic.

What happened next was pretty amusing. The driver of the car that had knocked into mine suddenly started letting car after car pull out of a side-road in front of them. Anyone might think they were trying to put as much distance as possible between their car and mine before I changed my mind. I guess they must have thought Friday 13th was their lucky day after all.

I don’t think the people behind them in the queue were too impressed, though.

Ideal Homes

Jen was reading a copy of Ideal Homes magazine the other day, when she remarked, “Do you know, this couple have gone on and on about their new staircase, and how much it cost, and how wonderful it is, and how they had to move the front of their house forward one metre so they could fit it in—and there’s not even a fucking photo of it!”

Jackhammers

Jackhammers,  
Also known as
Pneumatic
Drills.   
Both totally inappropriate names.
If anything,     
They should be called
Pneumatic chisels.

This blank verse malarkey is dead easy. All you have to do is write stuff down with line-breaks in silly places and with your text alignment all to pot. I don’t get what all the fuss is about, I really don’t.

See also: Songs & Poems

Of peg-legs and false teeth

My Great-Grandparents on the Isle of Man

My great-grandparents a long time ago.

The elderly couple on the right are my mum’s maternal grandparents (and Uncle Fred‘s in-laws), Frederick Michael Rotheram and Ellen Sarah Rotheram (née Heyward)—known to her friends as Nelly.

A quick Google search of information given on the sign behind them reveals that they were on the Isle of Man when this photograph was taken. Judging by their apparent ages and the style of the vehicle on the hillside in the background, I would guess that the photograph was taken some time in the 1930s.

I didn’t know that there were any surviving photographs of my great-grandparents until my mum’s cousin loaned her an envelope full of old family photos earlier this year. I have just spent the afternoon making copies of them with my digital camera.

My Great-Grandparents

There they were again!

Frederick and Nelly met while they were both servants of Lord Leverhulme (of Lever Brothers Soap fame). Frederick was a gardener and Nelly was a maid. Frederick’s mother, Bridget Kelly, was from a well-to-do Irish family, but had emigrated to Britain and fallen on harder times, having run away with a household servant (who was presumably Frederick’s dad).

I don’t know much about Nelly Rotheram, other than she died of throat cancer, aged 60.

In 1958, at the age of 82, Frederick accidentally stuck a garden fork through his foot. He didn’t like to make a fuss, so he didn’t seek medical help until gangrene had spread throughout the entire leg. His leg was amputated on 6th March of that year—my mum’s 21st birthday. Despite his age, Frederick survived the operation: they gave him an artificial leg, and he lived for another 11 years, staying with my Uncle Fred and Auntie Lucy.

The amputation wasn’t the last of Frederick’s medical emergencies. One day, he discovered that his false teeth were missing. By a process of elimination, he and Auntie Lucy deduced that he must have swallowed them while eating his steak dinner in front of the fire—he hadn’t left his armchair since then. In a blind panic, Auntie Lucy rushed him to hospital. The hospital said there was nothing wrong with him. The next day, Auntie Lucy found the melted remains of her father’s false teeth in the embers of the fire. Frederick had encountered a piece of gristle while finishing off his steak and had spat it into the fire, along with his false teeth.

About ten years ago, I pretty much freaked out my mum. I told her about a vague recollection I had of sitting on a besuited old man’s knee at Uncle Fred and Auntie Lucy’s house, and being fascinated by his leg—there was something funny about it. Which is when mum told me about my great-grandad and his peg-leg. Mum had thought I was far too young to remember him. She was right. It pretty much freaks me out too.

My great-grandfather died at the age of 93 in late 1967 or early 1968, shortly before my third birthday. He is special to me because he is the oldest person that I can remember having met (in terms of date of birth, that is; in terms of birthdays achieved, at 101 and counting, Uncle Fred makes his father-in-law look like a young, peg-legged whippersnapper). According to the maths, my great-grandfather must have been born around 1875. Not only does that make him the oldest person I can (or will) ever remember, it also makes him the only person I will ever meet whose lifetime overlapped—albeit briefly—with my hero, Charles Darwin.

I am extremely glad to have any sort of recollection of him.

Extra version

I see the new Bruce Willis film is called Die Hard 4.0, in keeping with its technological theme. I wonder if, when it goes to DVD, it will become Die Hard 4.1. And will the director’s cut be Die Hard 4.2? etc.

I suspect it could become mildly irritating after a while.

Bon Voyage

…si vous pardonnerez mon Français.

Hitchin and Soo and assorted fruits of their loins set off today on an eight-week, round-the-world jaunt. The word gits springs to mind.

They are hoping to record their adventures on their brand-new Coneydale weblog, and on their even brander and even newer Coneydale Flickr photos pages.

Yes, gits is definitely the word all right.

(By the way, their crisp story made stuff come out of my nose.)

Hypocritic oafs

BBC: Terror suspects all linked to NHS

Eight people arrested in connection with failed car bombings in Glasgow and London all have links with the National Health Service, the BBC has learned.

Seven are believed to be doctors or medical students, while one formerly worked as a laboratory technician.

Surely letting off bombs must run contrary the Hippocratic Oath

If they’re found guilty, I’m going to write to the General Medical Council demanding that they be struck off forthwith!

Dearth of deaths

I’ve just realised that it has been almost two months since I added anyone to my list of toasts for 2007. Have I had my head buried in the sand, or has nobody worth toasting died recently?

Phil Collins

A major celebrity recently.

I just checked out the deaths for June 2007 on Wikipedia, and the only one I’d heard of was Bernard Manning—which rather proves my point.

I’m not actually wishing anyone any ill-will, you understand, but it seems to me that a major celebrity death is long overdue.

Remember, you heard it here first.