It's almost enough to make you vote Lib Dem

Jen has just brought the following to my attention from Wednesday's Guardian (her pedicurist reads it):

Guardian: The cult of Cable

Yet [Dr] Vince[nt Cable, Lib Dem 'Shadow Chancellor'] remains a Big Story around Westminster and - more surprising - a presence on Facebook and rival sites, where the kids seem to like him. When in December he noted "the prime minister's remarkable transformation in the last few weeks from Stalin to Mr Bean, creating chaos out of order rather than order out of chaos," they laughed. They may not have heard of Mr Brown, but they know all about Mr Bean. It was his best quip since November, when he warned that the government was propping up Northern Rock to the tune of 30 Millennium domes, "without even the prospect of a decent pop concert at the end of it".

By a strange coincidence, my dad also valued something in Millennium Domes this week. He pointed out that the entire transform/reloc-ation of the Liverpool City Centre will cost just one Millennium Dome. He then couldn't help pointing out that the actual Millennium Dome was built in London and, therefore, a total waste of money which was, of course, paid for by the entire country. He reckons the Olympic Games seem to be heading the same way.

Logical solution

BBC: Measles cases jump to record high

The number of measles cases in England and Wales jumped more than 30% last year to the highest level since records began in 1995.

The Health Protection Agency (HPA) recorded 971 cases during the year - up from 740 in 2006.

The agency issued a warning last summer urging parents to get their children immunised with the MMR jab.

(My emphasis added.)

There are plenty of childless couples out there desperate to adopt children and bring them up in a responsible, loving environment. Anyone who doesn't immunise their children against measles is irresponsible and unloving. The children of the latter should be given to the former.

Problem solved.

Taughtening

The American actress Andie MacDowell was just on telly advertising something called Revitalift from L'Oréal (no links, I don't want to encourage them). Apparently, it has some semi-miraculous skin-taughtening property.

I'm pretty sure we don't need the word taughtening. Surely tightening would suffice.

I wonder if it's genetic

Stense/Elvis
Stense snarling to the right.

Stense does a rather wicked Elvis snarl. I can do an Elvis snarl too, but it's nowhere near as wicked.

While I was trying to brush up on my technique in the bathroom mirror the other day, it suddenly dawned on me that I can only do an Elvis snarl on the right-hand side. Or should that be right-lip side? If I try to do an Elvis snarl on the left-lip side, it looks like I'm having a stroke.

I wonder if it's genetic which side you do an Elvis snarl on.

Interestingly, I am right-handed and Stense is left-handed, but we both snarl to the right. I haven't asked Stense if she can snarl to the left as well, but I did ask Fitz. It turns out Fitz used to practise his Elvis snarls in the mirror too, and he's the same as me: right-handed, and can only snarl to the right.

Admit it, you're testing your own Elvis snarl right now, aren't you? Fascinating, isn't it?

Jen, on the other lip, can snarl either way. Jen is also right-handed, but she doesn't have any earlobes. Whether you have earlobes or not is definitely genetic: I read it in a magazine. None of Jen's family has earlobes.

Jen, Fitz and I can all curl our tongues, which is also genetic: we can stick out our tongues and curl the sides in to make a tube. Stense, however, cannot curl her tongue to make a tube. She has recessive genes. Here is a photo of Stense wearing her recessive genes. Sorry, I mean jeans—different thing entirely (but still well worth a look).

Jen and Stense are both women. Fitz and I are both men. A person's sex is pretty much genetically determined. So is their right- or left-handedness.

A study reported in New Scientist this week indicates that musical ability is not genetically determined: it's all about hard graft and practice, apparently. I wonder if Elvis-snarls are down to hard graft and practice too. I doubt it, because Fitz says he has tried and tried to snarl to the left—and so have I—but Jen could do it straight away without any practice at all. I reckon it must be linked to her earlobes. The ones she hasn't got, I mean.

Fitz is an extremely talented musician—and so are Stense and her sister—but I couldn't play a musical instrument to save my life (no matter how hard I practised). Jen used to play the cornet, but I don't think she had any natural flair for it—not even with her ambidextrous lips. Elvis Presley was a good singer, but only a mediocre guitar-player. I think I saw him playing the bongos once, poorly.

Stense does have earlobes, though.

How about you?

Me-OW!!!

BBC: Air gun pet attacks 'on the rise'

The number of cats being shot by air guns has almost doubled in the past two years despite new laws to tackle the problem, says the RSPCA.

Not guilty, I'm afraid: I've pestered and pestered, but Jen simply refuses to let me have an air-rifle.

… Sue Stafford, acting chief officer of the RSPCA, said it was bad enough for owners when their pets were hit by a car, and worse when they were deliberately harmed. "It can be very difficult for them and especially the children in the family to come to terms with," she said.

Simple solution to that one: don't have a cat, or don't let it out of doors. Everyone's happy then.

See also:

Just when you thought they couldn't possibly extract any more piss

BBC: '£10 licence to smoke' proposed

Smokers could be forced to pay £10 for a permit to buy tobacco if a government health advisory body gets its way.

This one will never happen. I assume even the most ardent anti-smoking whiners will agree that this is just a tad over-the-top.

Mind you, they are a notoriously intolerant bunch.

I've warned you many times, fellow drinkers: we're next.

A game of two halves

BBC: Italy 19–23 England

England laboured to their first Six Nations victory of 2008 but did nothing to answer the critics with a far from impressive display in Rome.

It was like last week all over again: England played great in the first half, and abysmally in the second.

"I don't get it," said Jen after the match. "They come back on after tea-time and they're a different team."

Shit! Do you think that's it? Do you think our lads are actually taking a proper tea break? While the Welsh and Italians were making do with a slice of orange, were our boys stuffing their fat faces with cake and scones and maybe a slice of apple pie?

More plum duff? Don't mind if I do!

I'll bet that's it!

Jesus!