I.M. confused

I took part in my first ever Instant Messaging conversation last night. So did Carolyn. We chatted with each other. It was a great example of the blind leading the blind. I think Carolyn was especially confused, because she loaded the I.M. client software some days ago, and a message suddenly popped up on the screen out of nowhere:

Richard: Hello, how are you?

Carolyn: What's going on?
is he now! [I think Carolyn was responding to the status update informing her that "Richard Carter is typing".]

Richard: That messaging thing I told you about is working. I've never used it before either, so I haven't a clue what's going on

…

Carolyn: I'm getting in a right pickle here.

…

It'll never catch on.

No bun intended

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt that I was in a university lecture theatre, where someone was giving a lecture on The History of Buns.

Even in the dream, I thought it was pretty weird.

How to make your very own Scary Stense greetings card

Some simple fun for all the family…

Scary Stense card
Here's one I made earlier.

You will need:

  • one 7"x5" print of this photograph (hi-res version here)
  • one piece of A4 card
  • two stick-on wobbly eyes (available in most good craft shops)
  • one Pritt Stick™ or similar paper glue
  • one tube of superglue or similar
  • one pair of tweezers

Method:

  • fold card neatly in half
  • glue photograph to centre of folded card (with fold at top) using Pritt Stick™
  • holding stick-on eye with tweezers, place a small blob of superglue on the back of the eye and carefully stick it over the left-eye on the photograph
  • repeat with right-eye
  • et voila!

Stense professed herself delighted with the card I sent her. Well, that wasn't the exact word she used, but I knew what she meant.

Disturbing search request

I've just been reading through the visitor statistics for Gruts, and was both surprised and alarmed to learn that this website currently holds the number one Google ranking for the phrase pick shit out my pants.

I hope they found whatever it was they were looking for.

Oops!

Me and my big mouth. I went to refuel my car on the way home this evening and didn't turn off my mobile phone. The bloody petrol station blew up!

I am so embarrassed.

Bollocks-squared

Oh how mildly irritating:

BBC: Elections get their own equation

Forget swingometers, opinion poll numbers and turnout figures, now there is new maths for elections: an equation on why people bother to vote…

Psychologist and motivation expert Cliff Arnall devised the formula as part of the Electoral Commission's attempts to encourage people to vote in the 4 May local elections in England…

Dr Arnall said: "There are many factors which affect why people do or do not vote, including demographics, attitudes and experiences.

Bingo! You have hit the nail on the head, Dr Arnall: what you have identified are some fairly obvious factors which might influence whether people vote—factors such as personal contact by party and perception of how safe the local seat is.

But what's all this about an equation? How on earth am I supposed to multiply (as your equation says I should) my perception that my vote will count by my sense of voting as a duty? What is the S.I. unit of sense of duty, and what instrument can I use to measure it?

Two factors that influence my general feeling of happiness are day of the week and amount of beer drunk. How the hell do I multiply Saturday by six pints? Answer me that.

See also: Soundbite Science

Over-egging the safety pudding

Every petrol station forecourt you pull into these days has signs telling you to turn off your mobile phone. Have you ever seen anyone turn off their mobile phone on a petrol station forecourt? Me neither. And exactly how many petrol stations have you heard of that blew up as a result of a still-turned-on mobile phone? Same here. So what's that all about, then?

And, come to think of it, how many people's lives have been saved, do you reckon, by paying attention to flight attendants when they demonstrate how to don a lifejacket? In fact, have you ever heard of anyone surviving a plane crash into the sea and actually getting to use their life jacket? I'm sure it must have happened at some point, but I've never heard of it.

It seems to me you'd be much better off with an airbag.

Or a parachute.

Ape shit

From an email to Stense yesterday:

Have you seen the new King Kong movie? Well don't: it's rubbish. Major disappointment, in fact, because I expected it to be really good. But it wasn't. Not even a dinosaur pile-up could help it out. And it was waaaaaay too long. Far be it from me to give you any career advice, but don't ever remake a classic movie will you? No matter how much money they offer you. And, if you do ever remake a classic movie, whatever you do, don't faff around, making it waaaaaay too long. We're talking a remake of King Kong here—how sophisticated does it need to be? Think about it: what do the punters want from a remake of King Kong? Do they want a whole pile of faffing around developing character in New York before the boat sets off for Skull Island? They do not. Do they want yet more faffing around with further character development and the start of a love interest on board the boat? Nope, they're not at all interested in any of that rubbish, thank you very much. No, what the punters want is to see Kong fight a few dinosaurs, peel off Ann Darrow's clothes, and fall off the Empire State Building. That's all. And Peter Jackson couldn't even get those simple requirements right: Ann Darrow stayed disappointingly clothed throughout the entire film. I mean to say, it's not as if Naomi Watts is above getting her kit off for the camera, is it? I've seen Mulholland Drive, for Pete's sake! (Although I still haven't a baldy clue what the hell it was about.) Forget packs of dinosaurs, it would have been far more apt if they had made Kong do battle with one enormous turkey. Not good, mate. Not good at all.